What would you do?

[Teasel]

I don't know if this could be a thread where you ask what would you do in a particular situation to see how others deal with different things?

Well anyway, looking for opinions on this - I'm Autistic and social stuff is not my forte. I've been messaging with a fellow Autistic / adhd woman of my age who I met in mh support groups, and have arranged to meet up with her in these types of groups a few times now too and we went to a couple of the Christmas things by these groups too. Whenever we are together we talk a lot, for me it's been fantastic, It's rare for me to really click with someone like that.

Since the last Christmas meal we went to though she's not messaging as much, or as long. There was a mix up where the group leader said I hadn't paid my bill, (I had) and there were a dozrn or more extremely long texts from him about this. Rather strange texts, going on and on about how he only wants people in the group who have good intentiins, how he's going to lie to the other people he says didn't pay, telling me all about them and their history of untrustworthiness, lots and lots of oddness coming from him. It really tapped into somethung of mine whereby if sonething goes wrong I feel guilty, and sure that people will blame me. I recognise it as just being a well worn path in my brain, but it's not easy for me to resist being pulled into that track, if that makes sense.

I had mentioned this to the woman, very briefly, saying nothing st all about the group leaders long texts, just that he said all the bill wasn't paid and my name hadn't been crossed off the list. She suggested screenshotting my bank app, but my bank app doesn't allow that.

Anyway I finally realised I could use my tablet to take a photo of my phone showing the payment was made. And I sent it him, also asking could we stop talking about it as it had been upsetting for me.

He replied that he had realised everyone had paid, that the restaurant had jot crossed people's names off the bill correctly, but that he only wanted people in the group who were well disposed towards the grouo, so I would only be allowed back ifI agreed yo pay my share of the missing bill. (My share would equal about £3) i agreed to that, but he kept messahing again to say this, so I agreed to pay about 3 times in all.

When I messaged the woman I like, she had not been told she could only return to the group if she paid.

She's not really messaged in the way we were messaging since.

Obviously she doesn't have to message anyone if she doesn't want to. I totally accept that.

I'm wondering what is the right way for me to behave in the situation? I kind of want to ask her ate we good? Not sure if I should not though.

Anyway thanks if anyone got to the end of that.

 

[Larrikin]

I don't know if this could be a thread where you ask what would you do in a particular situation to see how others deal with different things?

Well anyway, looking for opinions on this - I'm Autistic and social stuff is not my forte. I've been messaging with a fellow Autistic / adhd woman of my age who I met in mh support groups, and have arranged to meet up with her in these types of groups a few times now too and we went to a couple of the Christmas things by these groups too. Whenever we are together we talk a lot, for me it's been fantastic, It's rare for me to really click with someone like that.

Since the last Christmas meal we went to though she's not messaging as much, or as long. There was a mix up where the group leader said I hadn't paid my bill, (I had) and there were a dozrn or more extremely long texts from him about this. Rather strange texts, going on and on about how he only wants people in the group who have good intentiins, how he's going to lie to the other people he says didn't pay, telling me all about them and their history of untrustworthiness, lots and lots of oddness coming from him. It really tapped into somethung of mine whereby if sonething goes wrong I feel guilty, and sure that people will blame me. I recognise it as just being a well worn path in my brain, but it's not easy for me to resist being pulled into that track, if that makes sense.

I had mentioned this to the woman, very briefly, saying nothing st all about the group leaders long texts, just that he said all the bill wasn't paid and my name hadn't been crossed off the list. She suggested screenshotting my bank app, but my bank app doesn't allow that.

Anyway I finally realised I could use my tablet to take a photo of my phone showing the payment was made. And I sent it him, also asking could we stop talking about it as it had been upsetting for me.

He replied that he had realised everyone had paid, that the restaurant had jot crossed people's names off the bill correctly, but that he only wanted people in the group who were well disposed towards the grouo, so I would only be allowed back ifI agreed yo pay my share of the missing bill. (My share would equal about £3) i agreed to that, but he kept messahing again to say this, so I agreed to pay about 3 times in all.

When I messaged the woman I like, she had not been told she could only return to the group if she paid.

She's not really messaged in the way we were messaging since.

Obviously she doesn't have to message anyone if she doesn't want to. I totally accept that.

I'm wondering what is the right way for me to behave in the situation? I kind of want to ask her ate we good? Not sure if I should not though.

Anyway thanks if anyone got to the end of that.

The right is to be honest about how you feel and stating your concerns... You are not responsible for anything more than your own behaviour.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks, I mean what to do as far as contacting the woman I like?

 

[OliveJewel]

want to ask her ate we good? Not sure if I should not though.

I think it’s okay to ask her if the relationship is still good. I wonder if she’s feeling confused and guilty about the whole bill thing. I think that man’s behavior could be something you can both agree was out of line and confusing. Maybe that needs to be aired out?

 

[Larrikin]

Thanks, I mean what to do as far as contacting the woman I like?

Contact her, state that you've experienced a change and ask her why? You just need to clear and honest about how you feel before being concerned about her response.

A relationship with potential for longevity needs to start in a place where you can feel brave enough to risk someone... Risk being stoic and you may well be surprised.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks.

Just to add, I'm not talking about a relationship, rather a possible potential friendship. Far too early to say we are friends yet.

Previous experience of asking people if everything is alright has almost entirely gone badly so I'm not keen to re hit my head against that particular wall.

Seems like someone with social skills better than mine might be able to casually discuss this without making it into a big thing. I'm just a bit frightened.

 

[whiteraven]

I think it's totally ok to ask her if everything is ok.

This feels a lot, though, like every experience I've had with new friends. I finally quit chasing after them because...honestly? If they cared to be in touch, they would be.

That's been a recent thing with me, though, after years of reaching out. Reaching out had mixed results. Mostly it changed nothing, but with people who were true friends, it helped. I guess it ended up, for me anyway, depending on how much energy I wanted to spend on them.

 

[Teasel]

I'm sorry to hear it. I'm glad you have true friends. The prospect of this being it for the rest of my life is completely terrifying. I don't have any real friends or family and isolation frightens me ever such a lot.

 

[Friday]

For me, if there has been a metric shit ton of drama, recently + a change in how people are behaving?

Rather than asking if I/we/they are okay… which is totally valid, but also loops that drama back into active focus… I usually just continue on as if everything is normal.

Because either
Yes - The drama has affected them, or us (2 different things) or
No - The drama has nothing to do with what’s going on and it’s other things (like holiday stress, illness, start of a new school quarter, money issues, lovers quarrels, kid heartbreak, and/or any other possible life challenge that has nothing to do with me).

If I’m going to ask someone anything? It’s about them, and how they are doing… rather than how we are doing.

There will be different degree of honesty, depending on where they are at, and their general personality… which ALSO tells me where we are at.

The only time I really touch base with people “Hey, are we good?” is when there is a “forced” relationship (work, live together, etc.) and people cannot take the space they may need/want, or feel free to air issues without prior approval, since their job/living situation/etc. is on the line. Not necessarily losing it, but making it a difficult place to be.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @Friday very helpful.

 

[barefoot]

While I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with asking if things are ok between you, I’m also leaning slightly more to @Friday’s take.

By asking her if you two are good, it sort of implies (perhaps?) that you don’t think you are…so it maybe introduces some anxiety that way, or perhaps makes this ‘a thing’ in your communication/dynamic when perhaps it really isn’t for her.

Perhaps she’s been caught up in Christmas stuff, or she’s not been feeling very communicative or ‘peoply’ in general for whatever reason, or she’s low on energy or maybe she’s got this fluey thing that loads of people have got at the moment…or any number of reasons…

Fledgling relationships/friendships can be fragile and leave us feeling unsure, anxious and vulnerable. It feels like the ‘are we good?’ question might be driven by a desire to alleviate some anxiety around this. But I wonder if it might actually create some more anxiety - perhaps for both of you?

I wonder if checking in on her, asking how she is/what she’s been up to lately, keeping things quite light conversationally…and you focusing on self-soothing and self-compassion and not feeding your self critical narrative about not being capable of having friends etc if you don’t get exactly the responses you’re hoping for from her… I wonder if those things might keep things a bit more on a level potentially?

Sounds weird about the guy from the group messaging you so much about the payment mix up. Sounds like that was quite intense and unnecessary. Glad that’s now resolved.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks both, that really is helpful for me.

For the past couple decades, doing this - asking what someone else thinks cause I'm sure I'm not getting what's going on or knowing how to act - has been something I wanted desperately but mostly the only person I had to ask was my ex which just made things worse.

Tis very soothing to have healthy sounding suggestions instead of someone ramping up my distress.