I've had PTSD and depression, ever since I can remember, due to childhood trauma.
However, until a few years ago (starting in my 40s) depression never really featured very heavily. I had a bunch of intuitive/ spontaneous tactics of how to push depression aside, that I learned during childhood and used and adapted as I grew older. Survival and fear were very much in the foreground and it always felt like I couldn't "afford" to wallow in the depression, so I'd just push it aside and keep running/ keep going/ keep doing.
Becoming retraumatised when I was 40 has meant that allllllll the stuff that I'd previously managed to push aside/ push down/ keep a lid on from childhood trauma has now messily spilled into the open and I have to deal with it all, all at once and it sucks.
One of the main things that's now in the foreground is the major depression that I managed to "avoid" all those decades before.
So now it's here and there's literally nothing I can do to get the old avoidance patterns to work anymore.
Looking at this depression, the origins of it, the dynamic of it, the structure of it, the pattern of it... makes me realise that during a traumatic childhood, I never learned to care for myself properly.
Fundamentally, every single day that I wake up and am alive, I do not do what I WANT or what I LIKE. I do what my brain thinks is NECESSARY for survival/ what's EXPECTED of me (cos in the logic of childhood trauma that's also necessary for survival). That's how I learned to live as a kid.
Now, sure... life isn't one big party where you can do what you "want" and "like" all the time... I get that.
But in a non-traumatised, non-depressed life, I think people at least KNOW what they want and like and TRY to get that stuff, even if they realise there's a lot of compromises to be made and stuff to do like going to work, doing the dishes, paying the bills, etc etc.
But due to childhood trauma, I entirely skip that bit about knowing what I want and like and trying to get it. My brain just blankly, numbly accepts that that's "not possible" and jumps straight to the responsibilities/ chores/ tasks bit, that will secure survival.
It shocks me that at 46, I'm lacking that absolute basic, fundamental ability that every healthy 3 year old has of knowing what they want and like and trying to get it.
I'm so shocked and appalled that my childhood managed to delete that normal healthy instinct from my brain.
I'm so daunted as to how to go about turning something to fundamental around.
However, until a few years ago (starting in my 40s) depression never really featured very heavily. I had a bunch of intuitive/ spontaneous tactics of how to push depression aside, that I learned during childhood and used and adapted as I grew older. Survival and fear were very much in the foreground and it always felt like I couldn't "afford" to wallow in the depression, so I'd just push it aside and keep running/ keep going/ keep doing.
Becoming retraumatised when I was 40 has meant that allllllll the stuff that I'd previously managed to push aside/ push down/ keep a lid on from childhood trauma has now messily spilled into the open and I have to deal with it all, all at once and it sucks.
One of the main things that's now in the foreground is the major depression that I managed to "avoid" all those decades before.
So now it's here and there's literally nothing I can do to get the old avoidance patterns to work anymore.
Looking at this depression, the origins of it, the dynamic of it, the structure of it, the pattern of it... makes me realise that during a traumatic childhood, I never learned to care for myself properly.
Fundamentally, every single day that I wake up and am alive, I do not do what I WANT or what I LIKE. I do what my brain thinks is NECESSARY for survival/ what's EXPECTED of me (cos in the logic of childhood trauma that's also necessary for survival). That's how I learned to live as a kid.
Now, sure... life isn't one big party where you can do what you "want" and "like" all the time... I get that.
But in a non-traumatised, non-depressed life, I think people at least KNOW what they want and like and TRY to get that stuff, even if they realise there's a lot of compromises to be made and stuff to do like going to work, doing the dishes, paying the bills, etc etc.
But due to childhood trauma, I entirely skip that bit about knowing what I want and like and trying to get it. My brain just blankly, numbly accepts that that's "not possible" and jumps straight to the responsibilities/ chores/ tasks bit, that will secure survival.
It shocks me that at 46, I'm lacking that absolute basic, fundamental ability that every healthy 3 year old has of knowing what they want and like and trying to get it.
I'm so shocked and appalled that my childhood managed to delete that normal healthy instinct from my brain.
I'm so daunted as to how to go about turning something to fundamental around.
