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Sufferer Whats brought me here! childhood trauma.

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Marvel545

MyPTSD Pro
I lost my Mum in 2004 when I was 11 & have been subject to ongoing emotional abuse pretty much since then.

My Mom was ill constantly after having me, she suffered from an autoimmune disease & was constantly in/out of hospital.

My Dad has had several toxic relationships since my Mom, which have taken a toll on me & I've feared for my life several times. My Dads ex suffers with bipolar & was abusive to him for years. She was only diagnosed after they split up I think. Some of the things she did include: Threatening to drive her car into the house, grabbing the steering wheel from my Dad whilst on a busy road, constant blazing arguments, threatening my Dad with knives & much more.

Because I was never hit or physically abused, I constantly doubt whether what I went through was serious enough to warrant cPTSD.

I would describe my symptoms as Mild on a spectrum of cPTSD symptoms. I've never tried to take my own life or had any serious thoughts about it. I have had thoughts about getting seriously hurt but I would describe them as passive! I don't have panic attacks but wake up every morning feeling anxious. I struggle to focus at work & do anything that builds my career going forward. I am a recovering gambling addict & have struggled with alcohol misuse. I am distrustful of people in general & have social anxiety, however it isn't crippling & I can function socially.

I work with my Dad & we have a relatively successful business. On the face of things, I should be happy, but I'm not!

I feel guilty constantly & never relax. I dislike most people in my family & want to move away.

I want to manage my symptoms & live a productive life.

I feel as though I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years! I don’t feel safe in my own home even though it is my safe space.
 
Hello @Marvel545 welcome to the forum. :)

You have had a hard journey thus far in life and I am so sorry you lost your mother at such a tender age.

Have you been diagnosed with cPTSD? Have you had any treatment for any of the symptoms you have described ^^ such as therapy or medication?

I hope we can help support you in your quest for management of your symptoms.
 
Hi Blackemerald. Yes, I've had therapy from 4 different people over the past 6 years. I've tried CBT courses online to no avail.

My last therapist diagnosed me with PTSD. I freaked out & stopped going shortly after. He started doing something called a trauma script, which I didn't enjoy!

I've never had medication or been to a GP about my symptoms.
 
Ok, so I've been to a meeting & I now want to elaborate more on how I feel.

I feel completely detached from the trauma I went through, as though I am not a significant part of what happened.

I heard my Mom die. Yet I feel as though I don't fit in to her side of the family. I feel like an outcast, as though I don't belong. I can't remember much about my life prior to my Mom dying. I have a couple of memories of her at best. I was pretty much 12 when she died so I should have memories.

When my Mom died I didn't just lose her, I lost my Dad as well.

Growing up, the priority was my Mom's health & understandably so. She was seriously ill & had a major operation pretty much every year I was alive. I remember spending birthdays in the hospital.

I feel numb when I type that out. I feel nothing at all, but I want to!

I want to move to NYC & build a life for myself, but I can't because I'm saddled with this! I feel embarrassed that I need help & struggle to open up past.

I do not trust anyone. I am in a relationship & I'm terrified of committing to it fully.

I go through life on standby, waiting for the next bad thing to happen!

I have obligations to people that I despise & have kept people in my life that I feel don't deserve to be in it. I find my Gran in particular toxic & always have done!

I was bullied when I was 5 & no-one aside from my Dad believed me. I was beat up every day on the playground. A memory has just popped in of me asking various people for help & being blatantly ignored. This was by teachers & friends.

I was my Dad's confidant & tried to help him through the tough times, but he would never listen & go back to the toxic relationships that were destroying our home life.

I feel scared of showing emotion, I feel tears come up, but they get pushed back down!

Theres a story I can't remember where I nearly choked to death because I fell through my high-chair. My Mom couldn't lift me out & had to get a neighbour. I don't know why I find that significant but I felt like typing it!

I was bullied from 11-14 as well. I improved myself & it stopped for the most part.

I want to get better & be better.

I hate myself & wish things were different!
 
Hi @Marvel545 I'm glad you wrote back. There is a lot of stuff going on in your life and I really think it would be helpful if you tried to find a therapist. You could have a good look around yourself or possibly your general practitioner might be able to assist or recommend someone.

The thing with therapists is you may have to try a few before you find one you can settle with. It's not just about qualifications. Therapists need to be able to communicate with you. You need to know they are competent and you can communicate with them. They need to know how to deal with PTSD as a bare minimum and have some expertise in trauma.

Getting a diagnosis of PTSD and then freaking out and stopping is probably not uncommon. But you have had a while to realise now that getting better is going to take a lot of hard work....from you. And that more than likely means heading on back to a therapist and working through all of these feelings and memories (trauma) that you have.

There are a few ways of dealing with PTSD. Running from it hasn't worked for me and I haven't heard of it working out well for anyone else either. But you are young and your chances of managing your symptoms and achieving your goals are much better if you start to work on it now.

I'm not sure CBT courses online are really going to be a great way of dealing with your trauma. Idk...I probably wouldn't do that. Maybe others here have..anyone?

Your childhood and experiences in life so far are littered with trauma. Some of it might be really hard to deal with. Other parts you may find easier. There are different strategies for dealing with trauma and hopefully you will find something that starts to help you. Maybe you will find it really difficult to begin with and this is where this forum can be very supportive. There is a lot of different opinions, perspectives and ideas on what others have experienced. There are also a lot of articles that explain PTSD and how/why it effects our brains and bodies. And as you work on your recovery members here will be able to discuss your progress with you.

You may like to start a diary here on the forum. Have a look. A lot of people have found it very helpful.

The thing is @Marvel545 is what you are wanting to do is heal from the trauma. Like any kind of trauma it mostly likely will not get better if you ignore it.

I really want to tell you to stop hating yourself. But me telling you isn't going to make this happen. Btw I don't see how you could hate yourself for things that happened to you when you were a young child and had no control over anything. You must feel terribly alone and upset and I can understand why. That's just my opinion though. There are a lot of complexities that need more than my sympathetic opinion.

However, now you are an adult and you are responsible for yourself and your health. Mental and physical. So have a look around on this site and do some reading. There is a load of good stuff here. There are many people who will inspire you to get on with learning about PTSD and whom you can share your experiences with. Ask loads of questions - there are no silly questions; if you need to vent about your trauma then do that too. People here are good at listening and responding.

I know you want things to be different and you want to be better. You may end up a completely different person from where you start today and feel better for working your way through it and healing as you go.

Again, I am glad you wrote back.
 
Hi @Marvel545 I'm glad you wrote back. There is a lot of stuff going on in your...

Thanks Blackemerald1! I think your right. I wrote to Pete Walker (Author of from surviving to thriving.) & he recommended a local therapist to me, which I'm going to try.

It's the anniversary of my Moms death tomorrow & just about everyone in my life has been negative over the past couple of days.

Now I'm starting recovery these things are beginning to stand out like a sore thumb. The way I've been treated is not good enough & I've accepted it as normal.

It's a daily battle right now & I need to fight,
 
@Marvel545 anniversary's involving loss or trauma are very big events on the calendar for normal people. However for someone with PTSD these events take on a different magnitude. I am so sorry you do not have support around you for this anniversary. Hugs if you accept :hug:

If you want you could make a thread about this anniversary and you mother and how people respond on this day. You will find forum members will respond with their own take on what anniversary's mean to them. Or you can do a search and add to a thread that already exists about this. There are a lot of supportive people on this forum. You just need to reach out Marvel.

a local therapist to me, which I'm going to try.

Ok well done.:) It takes a while to trust and familiarise yourself with a therapist. So give them a good try unless it is glaringly obviously they are :wacky: But that doesn't mean they all are. So don't give up.

Now I'm starting recovery these things are beginning to stand out like a sore thumb

Amazingly - yes! Things can become very raw and difficult. However any growth in terms of mental health and recovery is going to open your eyes to lots behaviours and things going on around you that you once could not have cared less for. Now they do. Sometimes it is a cognitive distortion and other times it is you maturing and recovering. I cannot tell you which it will be..but a therapist can explore this with you. You will arrive at your own opinions on so many things as you recover.

Recovering from PTSD and trauma is often extremely slow and painful. Don't take your eyes off the goal. Remember you can vent out frustrations you are feeling on your journey here because likely there will be plenty. :banghead:

It's a daily battle right now & I need to fight
Yes and it's a long haul. So pick your fights carefully.
 
@Marvel545 anniversary's involving loss or trauma are very big events on the c...

Thanks :)

I've started a diary & an anniversary thread today! I find it tough expressing emotions with regard to what went on. The predominant one now is anger toward a lot of people.

I am finding today tougher than I ever have. Probably because I'm starting to feel!

I've realised that recovering has to be my priority right now, above anything else. Recovering for me entails improving my mental state & curtailing my addictions. That is & always must be my number one priority. I cannot achieve happiness without doing this.

I have rang the therapist & await their call back.
 
Hey @Marvel545 well done with starting the diary and Thread. Yes writing about it all is difficult. But take your time. Do it at your own pace.

The predominant one now is anger toward a lot of people.
So you know that anger is a really normal emotion? Just as important as any other I'd suggest. The really important thing to work out is what to do with the anger you feel. Obviously harming yourself or anyone else is out - so working on better ways of dealing with anger is important.

In terms of working with your addictions. What type of addictions do you have?

recovering has to be my priority right now,

Yep, really in the end...if you cannot take care of yourself and look after yourself how can you expect to care for other's?

I have rang the therapist

I am glad you have rung the therapist. I am hoping he/she will be able to provide you with real world care.

Go well :)
 
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