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When exposure goes wrong

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Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
Three weeks ago there was fatal bus crash, on the route I use. The driver, who I've met many times, and a passenger were killed and several others seriously injured when a lorry pulled out in front of them.

I knew I had to get back on the bus, or I'd avoid it for ever, and I did today. Unfortunately there was near miss between the bus, and two other vehicles caused by a caravan cutting in, and only prevented by the bus driver doing an emergency stop on a busy roundabout. Lots of screaming and swearing and for me the most disturbing bit was that the bus driver kept hooting at the caravan all the way to the next junction. To me that says the driver was not controlling himself. I can understand that the drivers on that service will be sensitive at the moment,

I keep telling myself that no-one was hurt and that it was actually safe. But I don't believe it. Do I do it again, as soon as possible?
 
Do I do it again, as soon as possible?
Yes, if you’re up for it.

It’s also valuable to remember this: you (likely) won’t believe the “no-one was hurt” statement anywhere close to 100%. But see if 10 or 20 percent of you believes the statement. It’s a good way to navigate the not-believing of those cognitive corrections we give ourselves. Even if you can believe in something at a level of 1%, that’s better than nothing.

I’m so sorry to hear about the accident.
 
I've had to create a situation where I can't avoid it - I've made a much-needed appointment for an eye test, in the next town at a time when I know my husband will need the car.

Using the bus has so many interlinked problems for me. It's a direct trigger because one trauma occurred while waiting for public transport. I don't like being trapped and out of control. I don't like some of the erratic people who use the bus.
However, I know that although I've been uncomfortable, afraid and even distressed on the bus, I have actually always been safe. I need not to let my general fear of anything outside my own home spread and take over.

Since I know, logically and objectively, that I have been safe, I can at least acknowledge that it is possible for me to believe it emotionally too. Perhaps I can reassure the fearful bits.
 
I can at least acknowledge that it is possible for me to believe it emotionally too. Perhaps I can reassure the fearful bits.
I think this is really important. I like how you put it - acknowledging that it's possible to believe it. And honestly, sometimes it'll feel like you come back to this thought over and over - but that's not a bad thing, it's a big part of what goes into changing the links between thought/emotion/behavior.
Using the bus has so many interlinked problems for me. It's a direct trigger because one trauma occurred while waiting for public transport. I don't like being trapped and out of control. I don't like some of the erratic people who use the bus.
Knowing this is broken into three bits can help, too. I dunno if you can think of any ways to mitigate some of the stress that goes into the last two on the list (the first one being the overarching issue). Is there a place you could sit that would help?

(For me, that would be the seat directly behind the driver. I'd easily be able to see everyone who comes on, and it's the seat most people walk past, even when things are looking full - they take their chances on an empty single further back. But, having had a little experience on buses on narrow roads, sometimes the seat opposite the driver is better, purely based on what I know I'll see out the window).
 
the seat opposite the driver
That's the problem from the fatal crash. My preferred seat was always the one beside the driver, where I could see who got on, felt the driver was accessible in a moment of crisis and had a rear view of anyone approaching because there was a glass panel immediately in front. Now I've seen pictures of the consequences of sitting there in head-on crash.

This route is served by double decker buses, so the stairs are directly behind the driver with wheelchair spaces and luggage racks opposite. There are no other seats close to the driver, so I'm "on my own". That is something I just have to tackle, without becoming one of the very erratic people who disturb me.
 
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