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When Is Enough Enough?

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Lauren

Confident
Sorry....I am so tired of fighting this. How long am I supposed to fight what seems to be a losing battle? I have tried for years and it only seems to get worse. Day to day living is getting harder the more I try. When should I finally toss in the towel and say enough is enough?
 
Hmmmmm... depends. Throw in the towel? I have definite days when I have that thought bouncing in my head... when I wanna throw a tantrum and say how unfair this is and how much more must i handle to finally have a life I want to participate fully in... to not have all the tiring baggage of the past. And other days not a lot of fight to throw a tantrum... just exhaustion. I get it. I still can't seem to truly love myself fully and I fight the feelings of shame, disgust and the shadow of unknowing many moments and days. When that gets me to stop wanting to function, I look about and try another perspective. There are still things I can enjoy and I want to see my kids grow and help them. Sometimes I hide in helping others if I can muster the energy after a "caving" time period. I affectionately call it spelunking to make it seem nicer than what i do (i enjoyed exploring real caves in college days) and find it is part of healing for me, a respite from the pain of it to be numb for just a bit.

I find my kids and others who care snap me out of it, but I know it must be me to do this "work". I wish I had a magic phrase for you... for me... for all of us. I wish things weren't so tiring in this, but we fight with all we have, so maybe this exhaustion is a sign of us doing all we can at the time and perhaps that can be enough until the next little good moment nags at us to keep on for more good ones??!! Do you see no improvements or signs you have gotten even the slightest hold on it? If you look at yourself like you would your nest friend? Would you find something?
 
Thanks Artista. Yes, I agree there are things that are worth living for, our sons and granddaughters. Yes I have friends that help pull me out of it. As far as seeoing progress....I don't know, right now I feel like things have gotten worse since I started therapy. Before I was numb. I have spent my life feeling ok by helping others, never myself. Now that I am off the anti-depressants and working in therapy, the feelings are coming close to the surface and it scares the heck out of me. I am having flashbacks and having to remember the past. Right now.....all I feel is anxiety, fear and sadness. I get some reprieve when I am busy with work or helping others, but that is the technique I have used for years to avoid the feelings. Your comments about those thoughts & feelings being easier to handle once they become known is encouraging. I am trying and believe I will continue to do so but man does it take a lot out of me. If it weren't for my grown sons I think I'd check out, but I don't want to leave that burden on them. So even continuing to live is for someone else, not me.
 
Hi Lauren
Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time, fighting this battle takes all our energy & it can be so hard to find any positives in our lives.

Reading your post though you have some good things in your life to hold on to; your sons & granddaughters, good friends, your job & the fact that you've had the strength to get this far even if it has been for others. Learning to love ourselves & feeling our lives are worthwhile is very hard after abuse it takes time to do & happens very gradually, so try not to be too hard on yourself over this.

When I started therapy I found it totally exhausting, it increased my symptoms to the point where I thought I'd made a huge mistake, i felt life was easier being numb &living with out of control anxiety! However, after a while I began to see changes, I began to have more respect for myself which spurred me on to fight harder, I learnt the more tired I was the hard I was working, all we can do during this time is look after ourselves, plenty of relaxation & treats even if that is only just a walk in the park or a relaxing bath. I also began to understand that I didn't have to be a victim any more, I'd been that for 50yrs now it was time for me to have my own thoughts & live life the way I want to.

Facing up to your thoughts & feelings when you have avoided them for so long is very painful, but as you work through them they will normalise & become memories that no longer trigger you. Well done for having the strength to get this farLairen, it would be a shame to give up now when you have done so much work already.

Something I have found very beneficial is to carry something which gives me comfort, when my T suggested this I had no idea what she meant so I had a hard search but then I remembered a shell necklace my son had made me, I collected more shells from the beach with my granddaughter & each time I've battled my way through another piece of therapy or achieved one of my more challenging tasks I've added another shell. My necklace is very comforting, I never take it off so its always with me giving me that extra bit of courage, reminding me on my bad days that things can & will improve for me.

My psych's words of 'stay strong, keep going' have been a great help to me, I hope they will be for you too.

Annette
 
Hi Lauren..sorry you are having such a hard time fighting this PTSD. Fighting is exhausting. One Dr told me that PTSD is not curable..it is like having a chronic illness such as diabetes which we learn to manage. I found this advice very helpful as before I was fighting with myself to be completely rid of PTSD.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Hugs
Tessa
 
Thanks Tessa ;o) Actually I am not. My husband lost his job....again. It is very hard for me for 2 reasons: 1) my father didn't provide for us and 2) it's embarrasing. I went to my Goddaughters graduation last night (my husband didn't come with me). Her mom asked me if Bob was working. Of course I had to tell her "no". She didn't say anything derrogatory, but I know what she was thinking as she dislikes my husband and can't understand why I stay with him. We've been friends for 30 yeras. It was so embarrasing. I wish I hadn't gone to the graduation. I am trying not to isolate because of it. I really can't stand the thought of what people are saying.

Anyway, it throws me back into when I was a kid. Not just the financial insecurity then, but all of the abuse as well. I just want to curl up in a ball and fade away.
 
I am sorry things are so hard for you right now, Lauren. I truely hope you
feel better soon. I can really relate to wanting to "curl up in a ball and fade away". That is such a well worded way of putting it. Have felt similar many times and it is no fun.

take care Lauren,
James B.
 
Thanks James ;o) I went outside and planted my hanging baskets and flower pots. Then I wrote out my timeline in the diaries and found that it was really quite therapuetic. Last Tuesday my T suggested that we need to do more work on the who hurt me and how. I think I'll print out the timeline and take it into my next session. I dread it, but at least I am not feeling anxious right at the moment. That's a HUGE improvement!

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. It is nice to have a place to come and speak with total honesty and not have to worry about people either not understanding or getting all worried about me or feeling hurt because of what I say.
 
Lauren..I'm so sorry to hear about your husbands job and the way people made you feel. The hanging baskets sound great..new life to be nurtured into something beautiful.

I'm sending caring thoughts

Hugs
Tessa
 
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