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When is enough, enough

Thread starter #1
I have been doing pretty well past months. I quit smoking 11 days ago and have been doing fair with that, though thoughts and emotions are coming up.Talked to my husband tonight about my control issues. Its hard to separate because he is a hoarder and I want things cleaned up. So the conversation we had was about my control, and feeling that the things I wanted were a way to control my world. How I cant care for this house as I am getting older (61).

He is defensive of his hoarding of course. I pointed out my co dependency, that I am always trying to fix things and people too. I used a kitchen chair that I have repaired as and example and he asked if I wanted a new kitchen set which I don't. I told him "no" because I dont like the kitchen cabinets and would not want to buy something to match them again. The he hit the nail on the head, and said that I have hated this house since I was attacked here in 2008. That is true. Out came the cigarettes and that made him really mad. I didn't intend to make him mad, just couldn't hold it together any longer. I thought that maybe he was right. He asked if I wanted to move and I said I did, but was afraid that my mild depression might not lift living someplace else and then it would be for nothing.

As the discussion continued I eventually said that "its just a house". Maybe we should move. Then he went off the rails about it. Saying I might want to move closer to our kids and then he would have to drive an hour to take care of his mother.....etc. I thought about that for a minute and said, well you have been insistent in living here for 25 yrs, your mother wants to live alone on a farm and has dug her heels in about it, so what about my choices and wants. I said they both got what they wanted while I stuff my feelings year after year. Which I have. None the less, I smoked 3 cigarettes during this.

I am grateful for so much right now during these times especially. However, when is it my time. He lectured me about me relapsing with smoking, but I couldn't help thinking that he has never given me a choice in anything. He has never put me first, or really considered my needs. I dont know if moving would help my low grade depression but I have stayed in my room for 12 years now. Im not agoraphobic about going out, my room is the only place I feel safe in this house. I guess it took smoking cessation to get that out. I found that while not smoking, I realized the desperate need to have control over my little world. I dont care if its just in my own bedroom. That has kept me from going to other parts of the house where the attack happened. (not aware until he pointed that out. How much can he care for me if he knows I have to stuff it emotionally....
 
#2
How much can he care for me if he knows I have to stuff it emotionally....
Can’t speak for whether or not you’re married to an asshole... but this^^^ is a great big huge giant leap. Like record screeching in me’ brain 1+1=64. Especially following that he made a link that you didn’t; that you’ve been unhappy with the house since the attack. Which speaks to caring enough about you to notice, rather than not caring at all.

I would SUGGEST that whilst making major life decisions while quitting smoking would be a bad idea in general? Basing those life decisions on a conversation that appears to have been more tennis match of problem-solution-decline-get mad at // reverse // problem-solution-decline-get mad at // over to you! // problem-solution-decline-get mad it... would be a very very bad idea.

Take note of the major points, for sure!
- Moving
- Responsibilities (mother)
- Hoarding
- Depression
- Control Issues
- Fears
But plan on coming BACK to them, when the two of you can actually have a discussion and look at the different sides of things... rather than both of you flailing about in emotional reasoning & (over)reactions.

Being eyeballs deep in trauma-stuff, dysreg, & withdrawal doesn’t mean you’re the only person who probably wasn’t at their best for this convo. Your bloke sounds like he wasn’t his best self, either. But when even one of you is on their back foot? That rates revisiting important things, rather than taking whatever clusterf*ck resulted as the final word upon which to make all future decisions based off of, yeah?
 
#3
I'm sorry it is so hard.

It sounds as though he is worried about you and maybe he is being a bit clumsy about how that comes out? Maybe he doesn't know how to make it better? (Do you know? If you don't, how would he?). And maybe he feels caught in between what he feels are his responsibilities towards his mum and you.
It sounds like he was the one who asked/suggested moving? So he isn't closed to the idea?

What is it that you want? Do you want to move?
Does moving mean it has to be to a place that is too far from his mother? Why does moving mean going to a different area?
Maybe having some time to think what you want and then talk it over with him?
Do you have a T to help you?
 
Thread starter #4
Thank you Friday, you are right, not time to make major decisions. Your major points are right on. Lots to think about. Things are always more complicated than they seem too. Now with covid, neither of us are quite sane. Also, his company closed in January and he took a new job that is really stressful for him. I have been really supportive and encouraged him and he has acknowledged that (at one point I thought he was going to quit due to another offer). He hung in there and this is much better. However, he now works from home, is on conference calls off and on all day. I have to keep my dogs quiet, not run vacuum at any given time, not have company, etc. Only company is outdoor social distancing in pool but then dogs bark heads off if I leave them in house and too hot outside for them. You know....just more issues that we chip away at.

Movingforward10-I dont know what I want. I want simplicity. We are in our 60's and have a 100 yr old house that is 3800 sq ft and has 4.5 bathroom. Just regular maintenance is expensive and time consuming. Moving does not mean far, he was just being sarcastic and argumentative. We have friends that are a couple and she is about to fly the coop and leave her husband. He mentioned her several times. Believe me, her and I do not have same needs or communication styles. I would really like for him to do some purging, get rid of junk, etc. His mother complains about the same thing because he has her house full of crap too. He gets very defensive at the mention of it.
 
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