I have been doing pretty well past months. I quit smoking 11 days ago and have been doing fair with that, though thoughts and emotions are coming up.Talked to my husband tonight about my control issues. Its hard to separate because he is a hoarder and I want things cleaned up. So the conversation we had was about my control, and feeling that the things I wanted were a way to control my world. How I cant care for this house as I am getting older (61).
He is defensive of his hoarding of course. I pointed out my co dependency, that I am always trying to fix things and people too. I used a kitchen chair that I have repaired as and example and he asked if I wanted a new kitchen set which I don't. I told him "no" because I dont like the kitchen cabinets and would not want to buy something to match them again. The he hit the nail on the head, and said that I have hated this house since I was attacked here in 2008. That is true. Out came the cigarettes and that made him really mad. I didn't intend to make him mad, just couldn't hold it together any longer. I thought that maybe he was right. He asked if I wanted to move and I said I did, but was afraid that my mild depression might not lift living someplace else and then it would be for nothing.
As the discussion continued I eventually said that "its just a house". Maybe we should move. Then he went off the rails about it. Saying I might want to move closer to our kids and then he would have to drive an hour to take care of his mother.....etc. I thought about that for a minute and said, well you have been insistent in living here for 25 yrs, your mother wants to live alone on a farm and has dug her heels in about it, so what about my choices and wants. I said they both got what they wanted while I stuff my feelings year after year. Which I have. None the less, I smoked 3 cigarettes during this.
I am grateful for so much right now during these times especially. However, when is it my time. He lectured me about me relapsing with smoking, but I couldn't help thinking that he has never given me a choice in anything. He has never put me first, or really considered my needs. I dont know if moving would help my low grade depression but I have stayed in my room for 12 years now. Im not agoraphobic about going out, my room is the only place I feel safe in this house. I guess it took smoking cessation to get that out. I found that while not smoking, I realized the desperate need to have control over my little world. I dont care if its just in my own bedroom. That has kept me from going to other parts of the house where the attack happened. (not aware until he pointed that out. How much can he care for me if he knows I have to stuff it emotionally....
He is defensive of his hoarding of course. I pointed out my co dependency, that I am always trying to fix things and people too. I used a kitchen chair that I have repaired as and example and he asked if I wanted a new kitchen set which I don't. I told him "no" because I dont like the kitchen cabinets and would not want to buy something to match them again. The he hit the nail on the head, and said that I have hated this house since I was attacked here in 2008. That is true. Out came the cigarettes and that made him really mad. I didn't intend to make him mad, just couldn't hold it together any longer. I thought that maybe he was right. He asked if I wanted to move and I said I did, but was afraid that my mild depression might not lift living someplace else and then it would be for nothing.
As the discussion continued I eventually said that "its just a house". Maybe we should move. Then he went off the rails about it. Saying I might want to move closer to our kids and then he would have to drive an hour to take care of his mother.....etc. I thought about that for a minute and said, well you have been insistent in living here for 25 yrs, your mother wants to live alone on a farm and has dug her heels in about it, so what about my choices and wants. I said they both got what they wanted while I stuff my feelings year after year. Which I have. None the less, I smoked 3 cigarettes during this.
I am grateful for so much right now during these times especially. However, when is it my time. He lectured me about me relapsing with smoking, but I couldn't help thinking that he has never given me a choice in anything. He has never put me first, or really considered my needs. I dont know if moving would help my low grade depression but I have stayed in my room for 12 years now. Im not agoraphobic about going out, my room is the only place I feel safe in this house. I guess it took smoking cessation to get that out. I found that while not smoking, I realized the desperate need to have control over my little world. I dont care if its just in my own bedroom. That has kept me from going to other parts of the house where the attack happened. (not aware until he pointed that out. How much can he care for me if he knows I have to stuff it emotionally....