Sexual Assault When Stop means Go....When No means Maybe....

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
When Stop means Go....When No means Maybe....
Im freaking old and would think this issue would have stopped by now. I don't go out or do stupid shit....but its evidently not me or my age.

In 2015, I was 57 yrs old. My husband and I were trying to rebuild a relationship after long separation. He was back and forth from my house. My sister had just died of pancreatic cancer. Husband and I got into it and he left abruptly. It was like a Sunday at noon. I went to my car to go get money out of bank so he didn't leave me stuck as he has before. My battery was dead. I went across alley where my friend lives to ask her husband for a jump. He jumped my car and in my distressing words, offered to drive me to bank that's in grocery store open on Sunday. When I got there, husband had already withdrew everything.. I didn't know how I was going to make it the next 13 days with no cash. No cigs, no food, etc. Though I could always call him but I would rather die (was my mood). I was bithching to him that I couldn't even buy a beer.

We got back to garage and he told me that he was going to bring some beer over and that I need to calm down...etc... I left my garage door open and he did come over with some beer. Prior I had not drank anything. I was just messed up on my own account which I cant really explain. I felt helpless, abandon, humble, scared, wanting to escape, etc. I don't want to go there.

Anyway, we had a beer and talked. I asked where my friend was and he said visiting relatives out of town. I confided in him a little about marital problems . Now that I think about it, I don't think he said much. Soon he said something like " you know what would help, you need a spa day but they're not open, you need a hot bath, Im going to run you a nice bath". I said "no" but he went up the steps and proceeded. I was distrustful because he is a man. His wife is my friend. I remember arguing with myself mentally a couple minutes and then went upstairs. He had run a bubble bath and came back with a cold beer and guided me toward the bathroom and told me to enjoy it. This is my best recollection but know there was more talk because I know how hesitant I was. Anyway, eventually I did get in the bubble bath but it was like I was on automatic pilot and doing what I was being told to do. I feel like during this time, I was in and out of reality....if that even makes sense to anyone.

Within a few minutes, he came in and stood before me butt naked. I froze. He got in the tub. There are blanks here, but I got out and wrapped and towel and robe on me. He got out and put his lips on mine so hard that I could not talk. He pushed me on the bed and I said NO. I told him to stop but he would not. He was trying to give me oral sex but he was much stronger than me. I was disgusted. When I protested he would put his mouth back on mine to shut me up. This went on this way. I think I was dissociating or something because I felt helpless....things were running thru my head, my own history which I will describe afterwards. This went back and forth I guess, then I rose, and said, "Get the f*ck out of here, get outa my house...Now." By that time, I think I could have killed him. He did. He left. Then he sent me little texts and things in the following weeks like it was our little thing.

His wife ( my friend) has so many problems that I never wanted her to know. I never told her. A month later they have their Christmas party, (my husband now back) and I could not go. This ate at me and I felt like I brought it on. So much that 3 months later (combine with other things) I attempted suicide. After that when he made I comment....I told him it wasn't funny, it almost drove me to my death and never to do that again. I admitted to him that I was somewhat broken and this was wrong....in a way,....taking some responsibility. He didn't mention it again.

5 years passed. 2020, cant go anywhere. His wife told me a friend was over with some edibles if I wanted some. I went and drank a couple beers. I went to the bathroom upstairs and when I came out, he popped out in the dark from a bedroom and grabbed me and tried to kiss me, saying Merry Christmas. This brought it all back to me and I cant seem to let it go. It makes me feel sick, dirty, disgusting. I thought I was over this. In January, I sent him a text telling him that this was not a consensual episode and he should apologize. I told my husband about it too. My husband is pissed at him but agreed to not confront him, but never wants him coming to our pool again. Also, his wife left him and moved away in January....and I think she suspects something.She already knew he had accounts on dating sites. He's a creep.

Anyway, my history. During a long separation between my husband and I, I dated a guy who stayed at my house a lot. When I wanted him to leave, some asshole cop tried to establish his residency here and when he couldn't, he put my own gun to my head and tried to arrest me, tearing my rotator cuff. I never went to jail because my daughter called out DA, a friend. The cop was eventually fired but it took years and a lawsuit, which makes me not feel safe in my own home, which is why I like having my husband here, but also makes me fearful.

I think Im going back to counseling, but I cant even tell if I was sexually assaulted or not.
I really feels screwed up about this.
 
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brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Intothelight. I do know this intellectually. Yet I feel like I need to take responsibility for my own action, or lack of. I have always had a blind spot that someone was going to hit on me in general. I really initially did not see this coming. Then I beat myself up. I have difficulty trusting those I should and knowing who I should not.

It was just such an over stressful time and I didn't tell anyone and tried to suck it up. Further, I didn't tell my friend, though she knows her husband is like this because she has found his profile on dating sites and lists himself as a widow. I obsessed about how to handle it for months. Finally I decided to stay quiet about it because of the drama that coming forth would cause. It would still be at rest if he didn't try it again.

Thank you all for your kind words. I get mad at myself when I start the black and white thinking, as catagorizing men. I do know some men that are gentlemen. I hate that I don't feel that I have anyone to ask for help....and get it without some condition or surprise in store.

After all of this, my husband and I stayed together in part because it felt safer than the world. We have different rooms and are not intimate.

It just seems that different forms of sexual assault/harrassment, are so prevalent in our society. I think numbers are much higher than reported.
Admittedly, this is not the first time I have froze in my life and just felt paralyzed . I don't think those without ptsd experience can understand.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Just a simple update. I am dealing with this much better. While some things might be a blur, I was not drunk or did not have any reason to cause this. Yet I know we all play a role somehow. I have refused to take responsibility for this. I have reasons for not wanting confrontations. Clearly, he never responded to my mail and won't. He probably fears something legal and thats not my route at all. It was an insult to my body, mind, and spirit but I refuse to be broken by this creep.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm glad to hear it. I was sexually abused as a child, and as an adult would do as you described, dissociate when the asshole wouldn't stop. It's not a good response, but it worked as a child. I don't think you have to take responsibility for his assault.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you DharmaGirl. I don't understand how I dissociated in and out, but I am more accepting now. I think that just putting it out there, on here, calling him out on it, and even telling my husband has helped me. Much shame lies in the secrecy. Im grateful I got my voice back then and now.
 
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