When the stalker says "God told me to do it to help you"

Justmehere

Sponsor
An asshole stalker and scammer is really after me. It's a massively triggery situation. I've mentioned this guy before as a friend, then not a friend, then... well, it turned out, he's a really bad guy. But it's hard to see at first, and that's what is driving me up the wall. I'm struggling to tell what he's done to me. Police, courts, lawyers, etc, etc. I get really animated? or numb. One of the hardest things is that he continues to say God told him to help me, and he saved my life by doing xyz things for me (none of them things he did, nor would it have been helpful if he did them.) Some people actually believe him. Some say they have seen it now too, and omg it's maddening. None of this is not a commentary on religion, I have my own faith. This isn't about changing anyone else. I have NO DOUBT no God told him to do any of this. He's an asshole using religion to f*ck around. (Sorry I can't write about it without frustration and swearing yet, and I think God can deal with that just fine.)

This is about my head. I'm getting really angry and twisted up at myself, and trying to figure out how to talk myself through it. I have a decade of fear based reactions to the words "I will help you." Now this asshat... totally my nightmare coming true. People want to help me handle it, or they just don't believe me, because "he is trying to help you."

It's the people part I'm all mixed up about. The thoughts in my head about me. Where it lands is that I hate me for every little thing I can find wrong with me, because that means vulmnerabilty and that means... this hell. I don't really have much to draw on where help was safe.
 

Friday

Moderator
There are times when I really miss the SELF CONFIDENCE that comes from living in fairly lawless societies, where you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, & beg others to intercede; or worse the layers and layers of “flappers” (to borrow from gullivers travels) to get to someone with enough authoritwa that they’re actually allowed to intercede rather than ask someone else, who asks someone else, who asks a group, who asks someone else…. Justice by committee, 2 years going? Pfft. It’s a wonder any of us have any spine left, or that justice is ever seen to -much less accomplished- at all.

He f*cked with me. I dealt with him. Nuff said.

To be fair, there are faaaaaar more downsides about those types of societies. Which is why I don’t live there, I live here. But hot dayum do I miss the right -and expectation- to handle things my own shit.

Which is a very long way of saying? Of COURSE your self confidence gets kneed in the balls, leaving you bent double puking, when you’re in this type of situation. The justice system is designed to take all power out of the hands of the injured party, and leave both accuser and accused “equal”. In the eyes of the law? That’s a good thing. But?

f*ck that noise. You’re not equal.

And since you’ve actually got balls AND spine, you’re gonna feel that blow, and all the repeated blows that follow… as others make a complete shit show of handling a situation they disallow you the right of.

Stop trying to talk yourself out of it, as if you were a spineless, helpless, eunuch. You’re not. You’re strong and capable, and it’s only natural to be gutted/twisted-up by putting something this important to you personally, Into the hands of incompetent f*ckwits, and well intentioned idiots, as if they were your betters. You’ve chosen to do so, not because they are your betters, nor because you’re the equal to (or incapable of handling) this stalkerish asshole. But because you’ve chosen to live here & abide by certain laws. Which doesn’t make you stupid. It’s a choice. Where the benefits outweigh the costs. But the costs are real. Anyone who doesn’t feel those costs? Hasn’t known different. Or doesn’t have a spine. You have both, so those costs are gonna hurt like hell, sometimes. When you stop telling yourself the blows aren’t real, or shouldn’t hurt? They stop landing quite so badly. Most of the time.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
This is about my head. I'm getting really angry and twisted up at myself, and trying to figure out how to talk myself through it. I have a decade of fear based reactions to the words "I will help you."

leaving others to interpret their own conversations with god, i find myself wondering what's inside the trigger phrase, "i will help you."
just wondering. . .

it was one of my meanest triggers during my pre-therapy years. many of my abusers were "experts" in what would best help me. to this day, i remain leery of the help being offered by such "experts." a million rights equal a singular chaos.
 

MnM

Confident
After I was assaulted as a developing minor by a grandfather figure (call him Y) whose family we were living with before moving overseas, he said he "did it to teach me a lesson", and the lesson was that I should not trust anyone.

Somehow this answer justified his behavior to my parents, who told me they filed a police report, the police telling them they couldn't do anything because xyz. I felt betrayed for ages. Years later, my sister said my parents never called the cops. Years and years after that, I swallowed my guts and called the police department that would've taken the report - Y's granddaughters were coming of age and I wanted to make sure I wasn't silently complicit. The police department told me no record existed and asked me if I wanted to make a report. I said I'd think on it and call back if I did, then contacted Y's daughter in law and left the burden of responsibility with her.

Predators and abusers will pull any line so as to appear innocent. It's all bullshit. Check out the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

You already know this is cognitive dissonance, so I invite you to try the following on:

He thinks he is doing you a favor
AND
it is assaultive, invasive, and abusive.
 
Has he got schizophrenia, do you know, or another complicating factor? (I have been in that position. ETA, woops, should say he wasn't trying to 'help' me, he decided to tell me not to be afraid to die, and showed up 1st on the phone and then at my door ballistic seeing a couple of male friends of mine. I 'see' him around- very, very rarely- he usually offers me a ride and as @MnM said, he doesn't seem to understand. He told the cops 'he thought he was going slow' (there was no relationship) ).

Hugs to you. Err on the side of caution, I would say. Utilize every resource you have, and keep your dog close if you have one when possible.
 
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Justmehere

Sponsor
He's not known to have mental illness, he is *currently* following the various restraining orders. If he was outwardly delusional, that would be so much easier to sort through some of what he says and dies with others and me.
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
I am struggling to even type, I've been hit by a truck of... all the things. Thank you for the feedback and responses, it's been really helpful to read through.

Once I had all the right orders and stuff in place, the guy backed down... and is finding clever ways to try to push it. I am also struck how much I have myself played off and excused his behavior as not that bad.... and now, saying it outloud, omg. What have I done to let him do so much and go so far? I believed his lies. Maybe that's what stings so much? After all I have been through, I thought I had it down how to keep the abusers outta my life but here I go and got freaking run over by a stalker idiot.
Does he follow you around or come in contact with you directly?
Yeah, he was, until the last few days. For now I am getting space, all except the courts and all that.

#Friday - what you wrote out just makes sense. I mean, I am going through the freaking nonsense of the justice system, risking injustice, because I do live in a lawful-ish society. It doesn't always work... and I so very badly simply want to just get JUSTICE, and deal with the effer... but I dunno, it just clicked with me today to think about how I am working in a system that dinks and bumbles around and it does hurt and somehow, okay. I will still do it. And maybe I will not get true justice but I will leave the other side of this strong. Maybe a mess too.
The justice system is designed to take all power out of the hands of the injured party, and leave both accuser and accused “equal”. In the eyes of the law? That’s a good thing. But?

f*ck that noise. You’re not equal.
Thank you. :) Because YES.
Stop trying to talk yourself out of it, as if you were a spineless, helpless, eunuch. You’re not. You’re strong and capable, and it’s only natural to be gutted/twisted-up by putting something this important to you personally, Into the hands of incompetent f*ckwits, and well intentioned idiots, as if they were your betters. You’ve chosen to do so, not because they are your betters, nor because you’re the equal to (or incapable of handling) this stalkerish asshole. But because you’ve chosen to live here & abide by certain laws. Which doesn’t make you stupid. It’s a choice. Where the benefits outweigh the costs. But the costs are real.
So real.

it was one of my meanest triggers during my pre-therapy years. many of my abusers were "experts" in what would best help me. to this day, i remain leery of the help being offered by such "experts." a million rights equal a singular chaos.
Yeah, one of my childhood abusers was a known expert, and there's something just twisted now in my head about "help." When is help safe?
After I was assaulted as a developing minor by a grandfather figure (call him Y) whose family we were living with before moving overseas, he said he "did it to teach me a lesson", and the lesson was that I should not trust anyone.
Similar words have been said to me as well.
Predators and abusers will pull any line so as to appear innocent. It's all bullshit. Check out the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
Looking it up now...
He thinks he is doing you a favor
AND
it is assaultive, invasive, and abusive.
YEP. Ugh.
Hugs to you. Err on the side of caution, I would say. Utilize every resource you have, and keep your dog close if you have one when possible.
Thank you!!! Doggo is the BEST guard dog ever. Hates him. Good puppers.
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
The guy is a whack job.
Total, complete, nut job
Does that mean he can't function in the real world?
Nope. Many with mental illness do just fine out there

But
Doesnt change the fact that he's a nut job.
And right now you are the one on his radar.

So he is going to continue to "help" because that's how he controls you
Instilling fear thru deception

I thought I had it down how to keep the abusers outta my life but here I go and got freaking run over by a stalker idiot.
Nope
Many years ago a therapist told me "sociopaths are very convincing. No one sees them coming until it's too late."
You didn't do anything wrong.
The difference between old you and new you?
New you recognizes that the problem is with HIM.
No you.
And New you understands that kicking him to the curb, with restraining orders, is the best choice for YOU

So - it's actually a step forward
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
The good thing is that I have now reached the other side of a lot of meetings about what happened. I'm blown away... I downplayed it to myself so much. I didn't realize it then. He was convincing, and I really didn't want his help. I was so confronted I figured it was easier to give in and maybe endure his screwed up helping than the fight, and it was a fight when I started saying no.
 
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