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When to go back to work/internship?

Thread starter #1
I am studying to become a midwife for 2 years now. The past year was a hard one because my PTSD really showed every symptom x1000. I asked my school to stop giving me internships, so I only had to focus on the theory lessons. Since January I am home, didn't go to school anymore either and then the covid-19 lockdown happened so it was actually really good timing to give myself some rest. (some background information; since I was 14 years old I've been working and studying. There isn't a single week that I was not working or going to school. The months of rest I am taking now are really weird for me.)
But since my months of doing nothing I feel like I am really messing my life up. I think I made it much harder to go to school or work now. A few weeks ago I also thought I would never leave my house again, and now I moved to another house together with my boyfriend ánd I am going to stores and supermarkets regularly, which I didn't do for months either. So deep down I know things will get better, but it doesn't feel like it right now. I just don't want to go to school or work anymore, but the pressure is getting higher and higher. I never really liked the education I'm following, it's interesting but I never had the idea that it will be de job I always dreamed off.

I don't know if staying home is still choosing for my own health? Since I'm doing a bit better (not vomiting every day and leaving my house regularly) everyone thinks all my problems are fixed and the PTSD is gone? I am still healing, but it seems like everyone thinks that when I'm not physically sick because of the PTSD, that I should be fine. I am done explaining/justifying to others why I can't do normal people things.

When someone has a broken hip, everybody takes care of them and wishes them to get well soon. But when they get out of bed after 6 weeks, not a single person expects them to run a marathon. It's so disturbing that it's not the same with mental health issues.
 
#2
I never really liked the education I'm following, it's interesting but I never had the idea that it will be de job I always dreamed off.
I am studying to become a midwife for 2 years now.
^Wow.. this is a really worrying feature of your post. Now I don't know what your motivation for starting midwifery was but if you're not passionate about it and completely want to do it then now is the definitely the time to review your study direction and analyse why you're training in this.

Midwifery is one of those jobs where lives hang in the balance not simply from your medical expertise, but you're instincts, you're personality and willingness to be that person whose there when a new life arrives. Or, sometimes when it doesn't go well and a woman is left bereft. So it's a huge responsibility and you'll be remembered one way or another for the rest of their lives.

I say this from the experience of having had children. During one of those births I had the midwife from HELL but she was sent away and replaced with a midwife gifted from HEAVEN. And it was the second midwife who saved my child's life. She dialled right into the situation and took charge and I can never explain how grateful I was that she intervened.

Motivation to do training and education really should be driven by some sort of notion that doing the job when you finish is going to be part of the deal. If it's not work out why it's not going to be what you want and explore what will be.
 
Thread starter #3
^Wow.. this is a really worrying feature of your post. Now I don't know what your motivation for starting midwifery was but if you're not passionate about it and completely want to do it then now is the definitely the time to review your study direction and analyse why you're training in this.

Midwifery is one of those jobs where lives hang in the balance not simply from your medical expertise, but you're instincts, you're personality and willingness to be that person whose there when a new life arrives. Or, sometimes when it doesn't go well and a woman is left bereft. So it's a huge responsibility and you'll be remembered one way or another for the rest of their lives.

I say this from the experience of having had children. During one of those births I had the midwife from HELL but she was sent away and replaced with a midwife gifted from HEAVEN. And it was the second midwife who saved my child's life. She dialled right into the situation and took charge and I can never explain how grateful I was that she intervened.

Motivation to do training and education really should be driven by some sort of notion that doing the job when you finish is going to be part of the deal. If it's not work out why it's not going to be what you want and explore what will be.
I would like to work in the neonatal intensive care unit, so with this education I can get there. I've never seen childbirth in real life so I think I need to wait until I have actually been in the delivery room and experience this before I would quit/switch studies. Maybe I've been a bit to negative in my previous post. Most of my classmates are telling me this is the job they always dreamed of as a child, but I didn't. I'm more dreaming of working with critical cases like intensive care or ER. I had a few internships at maternity ward, I actually liked it there but it's not challenging enough for me I guess. I've been at NICU before and that's where I felt really good about what I would like to do for work.

The main problem is/was that I don't feel good enough to start internships again right now, and that's what makes me doubt every choice I've made because of overthinking. I've actually been discussing this with my therapist, she also told me it's okay to take some more time. After she told me it's okay, I immediately felt way better. So I think the main thing I need to work on is that it's okay to take time to heal, and especially that I do not need anyones approval. I can make these decisions on my own, I don't need to do anything for anyone else. (My father is a narcissist and he expects a lot, but I don't need to live the way he wants me to).

I hope I explained myself a bit clearer here, sorry for any grammar mistakes.

Thank you for your reply!<3
 
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