M
Mayday
Something that has often confused me, and seems illogical, is that I am capable of showing empathy, concern and insight into other people's situations or feelings, but am not often able to translate that into being kinder to myself.
For instance, if someone else has a problem, I can think rationally, offer constructive advice, show concern etc...I can give them great advice, but for myself, it's like I'm still caught up in the old thinking I had as a kid that I don't matter enough, that no one cares, that no one can help anyway, what's the point etc...
It always seemed strange to me, that the thousand and more ways I judge myself, hurt myself or basically abuse myself...I would NEVER treat someone else that way, but somehow it's always been ok to be mean to myself, to neglect my own self care etc...
My T pointed this out to me in my session yesterday. I was already aware of it, and was like "yeah, yeah...I know" but afterwards I was thinking again about why. Why do I do that? Why do I have one set of rules for myself and one set for everyone else?
The conclusion that I've come to is that, I have different rules for myself and different rules for other people, because as an emotionally abused and neglected child, that actually was my reality. There were different rules for me. It was quite clear to me, that my feelings didn't matter, but everyone else's feelings did matter. That was my reality.
It's not surprising then, that I would carry that same belief with me throughout my life. So now it makes more sense to me, why I can be very compassionate and caring to other people in distress, but not to myself.
The challenge is how do I start changing that? How do I change that pattern of dismissing my own feelings? Especially when it's such a core belief, and when I try to implement self care routines or habits, there is a real internal resistance to that, and I end up self sabotaging.
Anyway. I thought this was interesting, and maybe it will be of interest to other people in the same situation, going through the same thing. If I come up with anything that helps me in this, I'll share it here.
For instance, if someone else has a problem, I can think rationally, offer constructive advice, show concern etc...I can give them great advice, but for myself, it's like I'm still caught up in the old thinking I had as a kid that I don't matter enough, that no one cares, that no one can help anyway, what's the point etc...
It always seemed strange to me, that the thousand and more ways I judge myself, hurt myself or basically abuse myself...I would NEVER treat someone else that way, but somehow it's always been ok to be mean to myself, to neglect my own self care etc...
My T pointed this out to me in my session yesterday. I was already aware of it, and was like "yeah, yeah...I know" but afterwards I was thinking again about why. Why do I do that? Why do I have one set of rules for myself and one set for everyone else?
The conclusion that I've come to is that, I have different rules for myself and different rules for other people, because as an emotionally abused and neglected child, that actually was my reality. There were different rules for me. It was quite clear to me, that my feelings didn't matter, but everyone else's feelings did matter. That was my reality.
It's not surprising then, that I would carry that same belief with me throughout my life. So now it makes more sense to me, why I can be very compassionate and caring to other people in distress, but not to myself.
The challenge is how do I start changing that? How do I change that pattern of dismissing my own feelings? Especially when it's such a core belief, and when I try to implement self care routines or habits, there is a real internal resistance to that, and I end up self sabotaging.
Anyway. I thought this was interesting, and maybe it will be of interest to other people in the same situation, going through the same thing. If I come up with anything that helps me in this, I'll share it here.