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When you can care about others but not yourself

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Mayday

Something that has often confused me, and seems illogical, is that I am capable of showing empathy, concern and insight into other people's situations or feelings, but am not often able to translate that into being kinder to myself.

For instance, if someone else has a problem, I can think rationally, offer constructive advice, show concern etc...I can give them great advice, but for myself, it's like I'm still caught up in the old thinking I had as a kid that I don't matter enough, that no one cares, that no one can help anyway, what's the point etc...

It always seemed strange to me, that the thousand and more ways I judge myself, hurt myself or basically abuse myself...I would NEVER treat someone else that way, but somehow it's always been ok to be mean to myself, to neglect my own self care etc...

My T pointed this out to me in my session yesterday. I was already aware of it, and was like "yeah, yeah...I know" but afterwards I was thinking again about why. Why do I do that? Why do I have one set of rules for myself and one set for everyone else?

The conclusion that I've come to is that, I have different rules for myself and different rules for other people, because as an emotionally abused and neglected child, that actually was my reality. There were different rules for me. It was quite clear to me, that my feelings didn't matter, but everyone else's feelings did matter. That was my reality.

It's not surprising then, that I would carry that same belief with me throughout my life. So now it makes more sense to me, why I can be very compassionate and caring to other people in distress, but not to myself.

The challenge is how do I start changing that? How do I change that pattern of dismissing my own feelings? Especially when it's such a core belief, and when I try to implement self care routines or habits, there is a real internal resistance to that, and I end up self sabotaging.

Anyway. I thought this was interesting, and maybe it will be of interest to other people in the same situation, going through the same thing. If I come up with anything that helps me in this, I'll share it here.
 
I know exactly what you mean!! I don't particularly care about my own self, or my thoughts or feelings however when it's someone I care about I'll bend over backwards to make them feel happy/loved/whatever. I think it's because I don't value my life. For me at least, my partner is my rock, and deserves to be treated in every opposite way to which I was treated. When I'm in distress, I just think I deserve it. Or that I'm being weak to let anyone else try to help.

Occasionally I try and give my feelings the same importance, but I think that I simply don't deserve it. It all goes back to the self-worth/respect.

I wish I knew how to challenge it, I really do.
 
it's like I'm still caught up in the old thinking I had as a kid that I don't matter enough, that no one cares, that no one can help anyway, what's the point etc...

This is something I recognise. Because being a good mother to my own children is something that keeps me going, my therapist would make the comparison between how I am there for my children, but I reject and emotionally beat up the child part of myself. Sometimes seeing it that way, that it's a child I'm being horrible to, has been enough to make me stop and be more gentle to the little me.
 
@Mayday - gosh, I could have written that word for word. I am struggling with exactly those same thoughts. I don't quite yet see how it operates; it is not conscious, but I guess completely learned behaviour and totally embedded. The weird thing to me is that if you were to ask my intellectual brain, it would argue against me having this mind-set, yet I am totally lost in itI It is so deep-down, I don't think I can access it yet. Thanks for posting this. I will follow this thread with great interest.
 
I have some similar patterns. One thing I learned to do that sounds simple, but gives me a very strange feeling... sometimes I will consciously switch out myself for another person in some situation, and grab the empathy I start feeling for them, and try to put myself back in there then to attempt to feel the empathy for myself. This often gives me a weird feeling, like, I'm totally not in the same category; it's a sense of surprise, like this concept of "I" is in a completely different world than those other people; that "I" is in some shut-off place that hasn't had fresh air in ages.

I often get a slow thought, like, well maybe I deserve some empathy, but it's like I'm linking two things that are very far apart and takes a lot of mental energy.

Well, I'm sure glad I don't have to convince anyone that this is true, for me, anyhow... What a great list. :-)
 
The challenge is how do I start changing that? How do I change that pattern of dismissing my own feelings? Especially when it's such a core belief, and when I try to implement self care routines or habits, there is a real internal resistance to that, and I end up self sabotaging

It sux when we sabotage ourselves, it realy does. We can see it, we can feel it, but we can't stop it! I need to be more selfish, because if I don't think about myself enough, how the hell do I think about others? Mayday, you are a helper a giver and if you can learn to set yourself some boundaries, then you can be happy being the helper you are :)
 
Thank you all for this, it's one if the things I never understood about my ex. She was so giving and caring for the children and others but when it came to herself she totally dismissed anything that resembled taking care of her. She only said that talking made it worse so I never talked about it and that's why she's an ex.
 
.. if I don't think about myself enough, how the hell do I think about others?

Barconian, how is this so? I know they say that but I don't ever understand this, not sure if it's the same for Mayday, I seem to be able to think of others easily, or am 'more aware' than most. Could it just be habit/ trauma/ 'forgetting' , for one's self? Also not feeling 'entitled', in a way? (If that makes sense?)

Thanks!
 
Just want to give @Junebug some support here. I know there are more people that find they need to develop care for themselves before they care for others but that isn't the case for all of us. I have always genuinely cared deeply for others but not for myself. For me recovery has been about sometimes being able to put myself first. I also needed to let others free more and take less responsibility for their feelings and emotions. In a certain sense I needed to care less. Although I feel I am I am never going to be at risk of caring too little for others nor at empathising too little.

Mayday, I think what you discuss is a little different and I like your observations. I see a lot of mine as being introjected abuse. I became my abuser and that is what feels right as it is what I am used to. Shall see if I can come back and say more. Have you read Pete Walkers articles on the inner and outer critic?
 
Barconian, how is this so? I know they say that but I don't ever understand this
When we are full of our own troubles and we have negative thoughts within ourselves, we tend to pass those thoughts on to others, non deliberately. For example, when we are helping someone and our own negativities get in the way... Then we are becoming a burden on them, rather than a help, sometimes, because we are passing on negative emotions! I know that is pretty general, but I'm not sure how to explain what I mean properly :(
 
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