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When you start to feel emotions

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BlueWeepingRose

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I've been numb for about two years now. Just feeling numb and not feeling anything. There's still times where I can't feel anything. It scares me and makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Than when you start to feel something, it's something you're not used too. You're used to feeling numb, like a robot, like an alien, just being lifeless. You have to fake smile, act happy even when inside you feel like crying and socialize with people even when you're not in the mood too because you're tired. You're drained from PTSD and constant anxiety that you feel inside. You're scared of everything and jump when you hear something breaking or hear people yelling in the distance. It's so draining, living day after day, trying to keep strong so you don't fall apart.

When you meet someone and they actually make you feel happy inside. You freak out because you're not used to this. Feelings scare you because you're so used to feeling numb. That's what PTSD has done to me. Feeling numb on and off my entire life. I have good days and bad days just like anyone else. But anytime I meet someone and I begin to deeply care about them, I feel things. It's scary. So many years I felt like I was crazy or I was a bad person. Deep down I deeply care, I just don't know how to show it because of what I experienced. Inside I feel so sad. Depressed and it's hard for me to relate to people. I talk about other topics and not talk about my abuse, how I got raped and how I was abused when I was little. I leave that stuff out when I'm speaking to people, because I don't want to make them sad or feel sorry for me. So instead I try to talk about other things.

I laugh, I carry on and talk with them but inside sometimes I want to cry and let it out. It's difficult for me too though. Eventually it comes out of nowhere and I'll cry really hard. Once I'm done crying, I'm shocked and sort of taken back because it came out of nowhere. I try to cry so hard to release it but it's hard. So I let it naturally come to me. But when I do cry, I feel better because I was finally able to release those intense emotions that was inside of me. Anytime I feel emotions, sadness or happiness, it scares me. I'm tired of being scared. I've never released my sadness in other ways by harming myself or trying to end my life. I could never do any of that because I remain strong inside but there's times where I do fall apart and cry. I'm human afterall, but when I can't feel anything.... I get freaked out and try to cry. Feeling numb. Feeling emotions. Showing happiness. Smiling. Practicing smiling. Mixed emotions where you're feeling happy and sad both at once. It's draining. This is why when I sleep, I feel so much relief because having all these mixed emotions wears me out. I just wanted to share this because I don't want others to feel alone. I relate with you. This is just part of it and I will continue on sharing more things with you. Thank you for listening to this. I hope you could follow all of this. I know this may all sound confusing to you. Trust me, I know. It confuses me too.
 
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