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General When your supporter's tenuous self identity fades

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HëllaBubz

MyPTSD Pro
So my supporter is the father of my child - and as per the famous settings of social media, we're going to whack a "it's complicated" of the relationship part.

About him:
- gives/keeps going until he drops
- suppresses until he explodes
- disassociates
- trauma history
- ''switches off"
- disturbed sleep patterns
- hallmarks of depression
- OCD tendancies
- reluctance to engage in activities
- concerning spending with CC (he's a stickler usually)
- no physical activity
- his version of relaxation is to watch Netflix until he falls asleep, comes to bed at 2 am, sleeps like shit then complains he can't sleep.:mad:

I'm trying to explore self care for him, and after multiple attempts of push, pull, yell, coerce, cheer squad, threats, support, therapy and other things, I've discovered that things seem to work best if *I* take the lead, go do something without consulting him and then he feels left out and suddenly appears and wants to come.:rolleyes::roflmao:

He's recently connected with a psychologist and now see's her fortnightly which I'm quietly cheering about.:giggle:

I have other art activities that he and I want to do together - just need to save for supplies.:blackeye:

Now mind you, this was me 5 years ago, it's now that our positions are reversed.
I've recovered enough that I work 8 to 5 for 5 days a week, plus I'm a mother as wrll - any time after that is me time.

I'm pretty sure he's burnt out from caring for me, we all know what a soul sucker ptsd can be.

What are things/approaches you or your supporter has used for self care?

Any tips/sharing?

I'll take anything and everything! :p:woot:
 
I make time to go out with friends and do loud, crowded thing that I enjoy. Usually my partner's PTSD doesn't let us do those things together... I'm talking amusement parks, concerts, crowded street festivals, etc. It gives me a little "nonPTSD time", because as a supporter that's important. We don't have PTSD, but when you're married and/or living with a partner who has it, it controls your life too. Caregiver burnout is a bitch.
 
I make time to go out with friends and do loud, crowded thing that I enjoy. Usually my partner's PTS...
Yup, I love a good festival and so does he - gets so damn expensive though haha
We usually take the entire family and have to pay for the au pair as well so it adds up fast.
I'm quite fortunate in that my PTSD isn't really set off by crowds any more, however really loud places (play centres are fun for the first 30s only!) drain us pretty quick.
 
Does he have any solo activities that he enjoys?

Kids and spouses are a joy. I have two kids myself, and my vet is my favorite person that I didn't birth... but if you're looking for sanity breaks or self care, sometimes that means zero responsibility for anybody but yourself for 10 minutes.

Even when he's not symptomatic, I can find myself waiting for the shit to hit the fan with my partner. Is something I don't see gonna set him off? Will we have to leave? We're enjoying this now, but am I gonna have to pay the price for this later? It's the shadow leftover from dealing with a highly symptomatic partner for a long period of time.
 
Even when he's not symptomatic, I can find myself waiting for the shit to hit the fan with my partner. Is something I don't see gonna set him off? Will we have to leave? We're enjoying this now, but am I gonna have to pay the price for this later? It's the shadow leftover from dealing with a highly symptomatic partner for a long period of time.
This is my supporter 24/7.
I've been working full time for over 18 months now, and kicking ass but he's one of those people that once burnt, remains burnt for a long time.:sorry:
Can't blame him but honestly, what do I have to do to show him I'm a functional mess? I used to be dysfunctional, but then I found some good music and became ok with it! :p
my vet is my favorite person that I didn't birth
omg hilarious - laughed out loud in the office when I read that (on lunch haha)
Does he have any solo activities that he enjoys?
hmm. not really. I'm going to see if I can send him rock climbing and hiking with his friends, and I'm linking up with his work colleagues to start doing bbq's, lunches, activities etc.
Maybe a bit of Zorbing to get some Freudian stress release.....:D:D:D
 
what do I have to do to show him I'm a functional mess?

Good question. He'll probably unclench over time. He'll see a pattern of functionality and realize it's not a fluke or run of luck. Hopefully getting some therapy will help him out. It's gonna be like breaking a bad habit.

He probably wants to relax as much as you want him to, he just hasn't figured out how to do it yet.

You have to make self care a habit, and figure out ways to make it happen so everybody is happy. I schedule my "me time." It's on the calendar, so no surprises. I also purposely do stuff he doesn't enjoy so I don't feel like I'm having fun without him while he's at home missing out. It's all girly stuff or the loud/crowded stuff I mentioned before. Stuff he'd rather get an eye poked out than do... shopping or window shopping, movies where shit doesn't blow up, craft shows, etc.

He doesn't begrudge me any of it, and in fact I think he appreciates that I'm not trying to talk him into going with me to hold my purse while I try on clothes or something.

We have a lot of stuff that we like to do together, but it's usually outdoorsy or around the house. This is my own thing, so it kinda makes it feel extra special.
 
It's gonna be like breaking a bad habit
That's interesting to note. And those habits take time.
He asked me for yoga to fix a tense glute the other day and I nearly fell over.
Ohh, ohh, funny story!

So we're in the master bedroom, and I'm showing him different yoga poses to warm up and stretch out the spot.
The child has stolen the dog's squeaky crocodile and so every time we do a pose, there's this damn crocodile which doesn't so much squeak as much as let out a protracted high pitched squeal as it re-inflates.

*sombre voice* now, as you push your pelvis up into a bridge and hold it, you're then going to roll down one vertebrae at a time in a gentle flowi---SQUEAL-----EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAeeeeeeeekkkkk....kkk..k

*hysterical laughter from child*

"and then, bring your knees up into table top position, stretch your arms out to either side, and gently roll your legs over to one side in a controlled stre-------SQUEAL-----EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAeeeeeeeekkkkk....kkk..k"
"mother****ing jeebus....." *muttered under breath*

Child is in fits of laughter and can't breathe.
Gigantus Dogus Woofus is on other side of door and barking at us to let him in to save his tortured toy.

Deep breath.

"now, rolling over to the other side, repeat the same posi--------SQUEAL-----EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAeeeeeeeekkkkk....kkk..k"
"FAAAARRRRRKKKKKK!" "CHILD!"
We both lose it and throw toy across room.
Child yells at us and goes to fetch toy.
Turn to him and ask - "so how's the tush?"
He opens his mouth to answer and...
Child has found toy. Steps on it.

"DON'T *SQEEEIII*"
"THROW *SquEEEIII*
"MY *strangled squeak*"
"TOY! SQUEEeeeeIIIIIIeeeeIIIII"

We both turn at the same time and yell back half laughing, half exasperated - IT'S NOT yours give it BACK to the DOG!
"WOOF ARF WOOF YELP" *from behind the door*

We quit and went to bed!
 
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