Where did hope go?

Ash_3

Learning
In a week I will be moving back to school, thousands of miles away from my hometown, the ultimate trigger. I should be excited and part of me really is. I'm going to be able to grow in ways I can't here. This is everything that I've wanted and worked so hard for the past 10-12 months but my emotions feel so forced. The only genuine emotion I feel these days is depression.

I'm going to be around friends and people I trust and I'm afraid because the person I was when I knew them at that time, is not the person I am now. I am bitter and apathetic and I don't want to talk to anybody if I don't have to. I don't want to have to explain how I've been the past year or the things that happened. I know I'm not obligated to share things I'm not comfortable sharing with others, but it's been at the forefront of my life for so long now I don't have anything else to talk about.

I don't care about people in the same way I used to. People feel like a nuisance, even the ones I do trust and care about don't fully understand the nature of my psychology. They can't seem to understand why it is so hard for me to "Let Go." I don't know what my life is anymore. The past 12 years, that I can remember at least, were a lie. I was betrayed. I'm not going to get over that in a year. Progress seems dismal.

I used to be so happy and carefree, I had a love for life and a great sense of adventure. The happiness never stays, the only thing that has ever been consistent is the telltale pain of depression. All too familiar and strangely comforting. That's my home, not some geographic location where I once before blossomed.

I have a great opportunity with this move and I just don't f*cking care anymore. The excitement that will come about is only temporary, it won't be long before the depression settles in and the "real me" will show face.
 
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