Where Do I Belong?

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Sometimes I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. No matter where I go I always disappoint the people I love. Sometimes I feel like moving across the country so nobody has to deal with me anymore. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to exist.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
Yes I understand. But I suppose if you have people you love or they love you , you should stay. You haven't disappointed them so much they've changed their mind, or you your's.
 

Starfire

Confident
Yes. Understand the distinction. Sometimes distance helps. It did me. But not across the country! I moved a couple miles away. Having my ability to come and go without reporting or being checked on, brought both benefits and problems. Also learned the ability to not answer door or phone. Wouldn't think that was hard but it was for me. But remember wherever you go, you take yourself!
 

Ellierose2x

Policy Enforcement
Sometimes I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. No matter where I go I always disappoint the people I love. Sometimes I feel like moving across the country so nobody has to deal with me anymore. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to exist.
we love you. you should stay things will eventually get better. yes your feeling down but your feelings will change along with support and therapy your life will change, please stay. I feel like i want to die but i am still here please stay.

If you feel unsafe or in immediate danger, call 911, 112 or 999 for a ambulance. we care about you+
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to exist.
I can very much relate to this feeling. When I am in this way, I try to keep reminding myself that “I won’t feel this way forever.” And eventually it does go away. Although it still absolutely sucks.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @lifeinthematrix I hope you are feeling a litttle better.

I was thinking about this this morning, that I don't want to harm anyone I just want to go away.

And then I thought of my dad, who arguably seemed to (most definitely) have ptsd himself, saying he wanted to become a hermit/ live in the woods (he seemed very gregarious to others but actually was shy), and my sister saying to him, ~are you crazy, you have a wife and 4 kids???! And now, she too feels or wants much the same.

I still come back to the Vet here who told me, it is low-grade anxiety. But I think it is much higher anxiety, that has been baseline, but because it's baseline (high or low) it seems 'normal'. Because I appear functioning (enough), and get done what is required eg work, or present better, it doesn't occur to me (either) that my feelings or decisions are influenced by that, since being that it's always there I am making all my decisions in the same mindset. I interpret what I feel is coming from the outside, but it is through that lens on the inside. So to actually feel like I belong, or to be able to relax, or to feel safe at any given moment, or to let my guard down, is actually a HUGE accomplishment, and actually not at all the norm, for me.

Hope that's a tiny bit helpful, if not disregard. 🤗
 
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