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Who am i? really

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I was raped at a young age (10) and again when I was older (17). I am 53 now and have just been diagnosed with PTSD. I read where a lot of people remember who they were before and the things they enjoyed before the trauma. I don't have that. So I am questioning who am I, really?

Anyone with a similar story have any direction or advise?
 
A lot of us here had trauma at a very young age. I have no "before" me as my trauma happened at such a young age. The good news is that you can make yourself anything you want to be. You don't have to worry about becoming the person you once were. (Well, I see this as a plus, not having to chase after something I'd likely never get back anyway.)
 
I used to wonder for hours each day about who I really was, and felt a huge hole in my heart that I tried to fill with many toxic things, remaining royally pissed off that I'd never get many parts of my childhood, teen years, and early adulthood back to be able to "make something of myself", as society demands, or to try to better understand wtf actually happened and why, especially from each abusers viewpoint.

Then I realized through many series of unfortunate, and quite often very fortunate (unbeknown to me at the time), events that no matter who I was, or who I am, I'm just simply a meat coated skeleton comprised of some pretty intricate systems that's allowed to have energy continue to flow through my being for whatever reasons, even though I, and many others, treated this vessel like shit for many years and kept it in a state of perpetual shock.

So now I just go with the flow as healthily as possible and do the best I can for myself and others as kindly as possible and think more about the present than the past. I remember reading a quote long ago about there being a damn good reason why the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror, and that really stuck with me and helps me when I feel I'm spending too much time on things I had no control over.

Everything else drains my energy and I can no longer afford to spend time on what doesn't enrich my supply. I'm a human be-ing still learning how to just be. We're taught to be human do-ings and are often expected to only follow certain scripts. No wonder so many struggle. A difficult lesson to wrap ones brain around after a lifetime of being made to run from harm.
 
Thank you. Honestly thought I was alone in this wilderness. The years between 10 and 17 were isolated for the most part. Moved from a large metropolitan area to the country. Hard time fitting in, my dad worked for an oil company kept us moving around a lot.

As for who am I, I like the statement I can be whoever I choose to be, as long as I am no longer toxic to those around me.

I've just started therapy. He's starting me with Mindfullness.

As of today I am full of regrets of what could have been but trying to look forward to what can be.
 
You have a great positive attitude.... and that will get you far.... and you are right, you can be anyone you want and need to be..... glad you are with us, and it will make the journey less hard.... thinking of you and wishing you the best possible....
 
I remember when I wanted to know who I was, it helped me so much to begin to name the things I did not like and the things that I did like and kind of blossomed from there. It took me years and although I still struggle with who I am I am realizing who I am not now if this makes sense. You will get there.
 
Today was a very hard day. Had a situation, I antisipated it, knew it was coming. So it came. Anxiety attack, head ache, muscle ache to whole ball of wax. It's not even a threat, been in worse circumstances. So tired of this when little stuff knocks me over hard. Now I'm watching tv, just zoning. Thought I would share.
 
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