Sexual Assault Why am I constantly feeling like this?

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Skyelynn3742

I need to do some backstory so people can understand my dilemma better and kind of get an idea of what I'm going through. Its going to be detailed so if youre trigger is sexual assault, please dont read this.
I had a best friend of 4 years up until 7 years ago. She was like my sister. We did everything together. It's a cliche but it's so true.
7 years ago I was invited to her house with her boyfriend to drink which wasn't unusual for us. We were 18, just being dumb. My problem with drinking at that age was I got black out drunk almost every time I drank. I had a feeling stuff might happen between me and my friend drinking, which I was fine with, but I tried avoiding blacking out.
I did indeed black out but I remember distinctly 2 things from that night. The first was her boyfriend whispering in my ear begging me to kiss my best friend because it was his birthday. I said no multiple times because shes my friend and in a relationship and even if he was okay with it i wasnt. I blacked out shortly after that conversation. The next thing I remember is im orally pleasing my friend. My clothes are still on but im on my knees. I remember my pants were buttonless and insanely tight. They were always a struggle to take off and put on. I still have them. While on my knees all I remember is her boyfriend trying to pull down my pants and me stopping what im doing but only using my hands to try to keep my pants up. I dont remember if i said no. That was the last thing I remember that night.
The next morning the sides of my legs are bruised from my pants being rolled down but im in my own bed at my parents. My mom said that night she came and got me. She said i was across the street in my friends neighbors yard and bawling uncontrollably. She said no matter how many times she asked i wouldnt tell her what happened.
I still dont know what happened, but ever since then i have not been okay in the slightest.
Its been 7 years. I have not spoken to my friend since that night. I have gained over 100 pounds, i am very depressed, i have the worst anxiety. I didnt leave my house and work for 4 years (i did go to college but it was online). I have not had a single friendship since then. I didnt even have relationships. Im not okay, still to this day.
3 years ago i got a job i loved in retail of all places and i stuck to that. Im now in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend and i stuck with that. But i am still not okay in the slightest.
Im terrified of opening up and exploring new things, meeting new people, i hate myself with a burning passion, i push everyone including family away, i never have motivation to do anything, etc.
The point of all this that leads to my question is why do i miss my friend so much?
I think about her at least once a week or every other week. I look on her profile to check up on her and i cant help but miss her. She just got engaged to this same boyfriend the other day though. But part of me always wondered if maybe the trauma i thought i experienced was in my head? I dont remember anything so maybe it didnt happen the way i lead myself to believe all these years? And if it did happen, i always believed she wasnt aware of what was happening either. I know from what i remember she was as drunk, if not drunker than i was.
I dont know if i need to make myself believe that because it makes things easier or what. Ive seen her a few times in public and its not the fear of seeing a rapist. Its the fear of not knowing how to react, wanting to just go up and talk to her. Even tonight, i just want to message her and say i miss you and reconnect even if its that one small interaction.
I won't but ive always felt deep down, something doesn't feel right if im missing her, grieving her, and not fearing her the way i probably should?
Can someone tell me if they experience this same thing or if its normal to essentially miss and wish to reconnect with your rapist?
I know my circumstance might be unique but I'd love feedback. I feel like Id get negative criticism, but i promise you this isnt me trying to normalize those that have experienced sexual assault. I do not feel normal. Im embarrassed and ashamed i feel this way. I just want help.
 

Friday

Moderator
I know my circumstance might be unique but I'd love feedback.
Not at all unique. Spousal rape is a thing. Being raped by intimate partners is a thing. Being raped by someone who used to be a friend is a thing. And they’re hard, painful, complicated things.

The point of all this that leads to my question is why do i miss my friend so much?
Because it’s the most natural thing in the world to miss someone you loved and trusted? To miss someone who was such a central part of your life for years? To miss all the things that made your friendship what it was... until the moment it ended.

One bad moment, in the midst of thousands of good moments doesn’t makgically erase all the good. Even if it does, can, and should end the relationship on a dime.

It would be nice if doing the right thing, also felt good.
It would be nice if we just stopped loving the people who hurt us.
But that’s rarely how it works.
something doesn't feel right if im missing her, grieving her, and not fearing her the way i probably should?
Yeesh. Why on earth would you want to add more fear to what’s already such a profoundly effecting event on your life that you spent 4 years pulled away from the world, and still struggle with relationships, are terrified of trying new things, anxiety, depression, & self hatred??? Nooooooooo. Not being afraid of someone who assaulted you? Is a good thing. It’s also an incrediably rational thing, in a sea of everything else being upside down. You have no need to be afraid of her.

One of the most f*cked up things about PTSD, is that it doesn’t let us bury the dead, and grieve them. Events of the past don’t settle into the past, but keep gettin yanked into the present, as fresh and as raw as when it just happened. In addition to everything else that happened that night? She broke your heart. So in addition to everything else that keeps getting yanked forward into the present, so too, your heart keeps rebreaking. And the grief is as immediate as the trauma. OF COURSE you’re a mess about it.

No, that doesn’t have to be forever. Trauma processing breaks the connection between the past & present. You’ll still remember her, but in the way that we do remember the past, instead of reliving it.

Have you ever worked with a trauma therapist?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I can't add a lot to Friday's reply except to agree with it wholeheartedly. I had a friend abuse me and I think her. It's faded with time but I still wonder how she's doing. I'm not afraid of her. My family were my primary abusers and I miss them and think about getting back in touch. None of them were monsters. They did good things in my life that I would love to have back. If you look around you'll find plenty of other people here that experience similar feelings.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi. For what it's worth. I still miss and think about my abusers. I try to say "I don't like them" rather than hate them because "hate" involves to much passion and energy. They caused me so much pain but when I'm lonely and depressed I still think about them and miss them. It's just memories. The busier you are then the more you can meet new people and move on. Their memories diminish over time. Sorry for what you went through.
 
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