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Dom Violence Why am i so terrified to leave?

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Yes I agree with @Happyplace76 and her opinion. ^^^

You really do like to hate...

@SameBoat - I agree about the texting - while I did it, it's true - the abuse continues - it really did prolong the pain of getting over my first abuser. By many many months. And even if it wasn't direct abuse, he'd make me feel obligated to respond - quickly, etc... just like during the relationship. With the 2nd, nothing other than to let him know I wasn't returning for the rest of my stuff and that he or anyone he was associated with was to never contact me again. - The second was in the category of I'm just glad we didn't end up hurt or killed like this last girlfriend.
 
If only we tried harder, acted perfectly, weighed the right amount, wore the perfect clothes, kept a perfect house, and cooked like a chef, it would work out and he would only show you his good side.

Arrghhh! This is me. Five years in and I'm almost at the point of understanding that this is HIS issue not mine and that nothing I do or don't do is deserving of the way he treats me.
 
Hey guys!

Checking in again and I'm finally on my computer so I can write a little more, it's so hard on my phone to take the time to type out everything. Things are still going according to plan, I'm looking at leaving in early to mid july to go work for my dad, he is very excited to have me there. I'm nervous but more excited, the only thing making me nervous is the middle east part but my dad has lived there for 10+ years with no problems and I have no doubt that he wouldn't bring me to a place that isn't safe.

You guys are absolutely right about the texting.. I have realized that I also have some sick twisted way of wanting to stay in touch with him and wanting him to want me.. not really sure almost like hurting him back but i'm so turned off by who he has become that I need to just distance myself. I went ahead and blocked him after reading the last few posts. He was really nasty about a week ago saying some really racist and horrible things and as much as I want to trash talk whoever he is with now all I can really do is feel sorry for her and hope she has the sense to see through him before she gets sucked him.

My next question though is how do you guys feel about me staying in touch with his mom? I love her dearly and she loves me like a daughter (My best friend/his sister/her daughter) passed away in 2009 and we were all very close. She is abused by him, not physically but certainly financially and emotionally and she is very much an enabler of his behaviors. However she lives 2 hours away from him and I would love to keep a relationship with her not only because she needs someone to talk to but she is someone that I can talk to about the things that went on with him and she understands and isn't going to shame me like someone who is unfamiliar with the situation.. but also it's keeping a life line open to him where i am able to hear about how and what he is doing. We talk about other things too and I really care about her so while I have him blocked her and I are still talking though I try to keep talk about him and his issues to a minimum.

on a slightly funny side note, tonight I am playing a wine drinking game with myself where I drink every time I delete a picture of him off my social media sites haha.. very effective. And therapeutic I might add. That being said I haven't been drinking or smoking pot since I came to Ohio, partly because its not legal here (RIP washington state <3 <3) lol and partly because i'm staying out in the country about 20 min from town and doing the whole churchy family thing which is cool and I enjoy. But tonight I felt like doing something, anything so i got a bottle of wine and that is what I'm up to.

Thank you all again for all your input and advice. I have to say I thought I was in a hopless situation when i first came across this forum and I was so envious (impressed? not sure of the word) of courelly when she left and i never ever imagined that I would be able to do the same. But baby step by baby step I kept going away and here I am safe and free. There are a few heart strings left to severe but it is only a matter of time and as long as i keep the distance i know it will be ok.


One more thing: in our texts he said something about how a lesser man than him who can't get any woman he wants may have hurt or killed me for the way I left... would you say that is a threat? I have a lot of things there, they are already packed up but I would kind of like to get that and put in a storage before I go to my dads.. is that a bad idea? I know that seems like a stupid question. I am prepared to lose all that stuff, I have my very most important possessions with me but It would be nice to get the rest of my stuff back.

Thanks Yall, stay strong and kick ass
 
Well done for taking good care of yourself :)

how do you guys feel about me staying in touch with his mom?
she is very much an enabler of his behaviors
I think you shouldn't. Severing all ties will help you move forward. If you still have ties connecting yourself with that life, it will be a lot harder to heal.
Plus, since she's an enabler she can try to get you to go back.

in our texts he said something about how a lesser man than him who can't get any woman he wants may have hurt or killed me for the way I left
Yes, it's a threat.

is that a bad idea?
You don't need the stuff. It's just stuff.
I managed to keep mine, eventually gave it all away anyway. I didn't want the memories and spending money on a storage unit to keep those memories.
It's entirely up to you, but I wouldn't go back for material possessions that I didn't actually need.

Think about it this way... You're surviving now. Running away from a ruthless lion. After he circles you and goes back to his den would you walk in there to get a couch? Makes no sense right?
 
Hey there @SameBoat - It's great to hear from you!

I think having a toast to deleting his face/posts off your social media is a grand idea. It's certainly a unique twist on dumping your ex's belongings on the pavement or burning hardcopies of their photos on a stake in the backyard!

This is the electronic version but just as symbolic! I am there in spirit SameBoat to share in the uplifting experience ha! Of course depending how many pics you have of him you could get very sozzled doing one at a time. So pace yourself ha! :singing: ...and don't get melancholic if you do get sozzled! Let's celebrate :wacky::roflmao::singing:

Your father must be so proud of you and rightly so. How wonderful that he can not only offer you a sanctuary but also a job so you can get back on your feet at the same time. :)

I understand a lot of the middle east is perilous to Westerner's and even it's own resident's. Clearly travelling/living/working in the Middle East anywhere carries risks. However your father would not allow you to come unless he was confident you would be ok. Of course you would know that it doesn't matter where you go in the world - you have to be careful and respectful of culture and tradition. And sadly just being a female means you need to add another layer of behavioural awareness and risk assessment everywhere you go - home or overseas. You did say in an earlier post that you are experienced living off your home ground.
It's a good plan and I am happy for you. Well done you! :)

One of my sons travels extensively and stays in places that are unstable. He tells me he is careful. Please SameBoat..be careful too!:hug:

I am pleased you have blocked your ex. It might take a little time but I'm hoping a layer of tension will lift knowing for certain you will not get any messages or calls. This is the thing with phones, texting...they are so in your face and so immediate. They can take a day where one was feeling ok even really good :) and bam..text/email arrives = worry, anger and despair.:arghh; In an instant and at someone else's whim. So it may take a little while but I hope you notice the 'absence' of his texting in a good way soon.

I think him telling you about other women in his life and his other rubbish talk shows to you that he is finding the reality of his new life without you a lot harder than he wants you to think. It also lifts the facade on his character and reveals him... to you. But you knew that side of him existed anyway. It sounds ugly and you certainly do not need ugly. You have better standards SameBoat and he is behaving well below them.

He certainly doesn't seem to be trying to learn from your departure and it appears he is continuing to engage in the same vicious cycle with any female that strays onto his path. All you can do is feel sorry for them because the party will be over soon for them too. Oh he will manage and they (as they come and go) will manage. There isn't a thing you can do about his behaviour. There wasn't when you resided with him and there isn't now. So as much as it must hurt even a little... let that go. He isn't worthy. Give this time SameBoat.:hug:

staying in touch with his mom? I love her dearly and she loves me like a daughter
She is abused by him, not physically but certainly financially and emotionally and she is very much an enabler of his behaviors.

Tough one SameBoat ^^^ The compassionate part of me says of course keep in touch and stay on good terms with this woman. You have a good relationship with her and why not keep her in your life. But the instinctive part of me knows that this carries risk for you because of who she is and your ex's 'authority' over her and her inability to stop being abused...for whatever reason. Not judging here... What a dilemma. :(
I think I would tread very cautiously and you may need to have a 'conversation' with her about trust. She may find it impossible to resist your ex and his anger and abide his efforts at retaliation or other means of exploitation towards you if he knew there was ongoing communication. That would be dangerous. She may be an unwilling but still complicit party to endangering your safety. Her financial and emotional status are at risk if she doesn't comply or consent to his behaviour. You know how hard that is to resist. You have been there.:cry:

Secretly your ex's mother might want you to both re-unite. She may be getting a lot of extra 'behaviour' from him since you left. You took the heat off her for a long time whether you know it or not. Now he is loose and in even less control so all women in his life are likely targets.

On the flip side... is she keeping you a secret from him already because he may withdraw his financial support? What is she risking to keep the relationship with you going?

And if we toss the coin again... the fact is she is his mother. There is that blood is thicker than water connection. Even if she knows it is a terrible relationship she has with him. Can she be manipulated by him to endanger you or at least keep him informed about you and your life. Do you want this?

None of the above options are good SameBoat.

When you where there... you knew the boys, the ex wife and his mother were victims of this man's behaviour.

Now you have survived and are going to be successful and love your life because you have a life and nobody gets to abuse you anymore. But you left behind another life where your ex's victims still remain. I can assure you with time...a lot will leave too. But perhaps not his mother. That relationship might be too entrenched.

Long distance and not too much detail...maybe?...sort of. But visiting her... that is very dicey. 2 hours away turns to 0 if he is already there because he made her tell him what time and where you were arriving. Too risky SameBoat. :stop:

would you say that is a threat?
Yes. It is. Break this down SameBoat. What is he really saying? That he is better than a murderer and you should be grateful he only abused you the way he did? He is also saying that death is an option for you that he has considered. Doesn't matter in what context...he can dress it up with with the 'lesser man' theory's but he is still really, lividly angry with you for out manoeuvring him and daring to leave and not return. Worse still...he is talking about levels of abuse. So he he is rationalising his actions and giving you comparisons?? His abuse v death. Just lovely isn't it :oops::speechless:

but I would kind of like to get that and put in a storage before I go to my dads.. is that a bad idea?

No..not a stupid question. If it is packed send around some removalists or friends to pick it up. You can pay them over the phone and shout your friends a dinner or something they might like for doing this. Organise the storage facility in a place that is not near his house. All of this can be done long distance.

However..I agree with @Sietz and a similar thing happened to me. It was all a huge waste of money in hindsight and the stuff I wanted...well..yes I got to keep a tiny bit..but I had moved on and I kept it all stored for years and eventually it became the most expensive :rolleyes: load of stuff that went to landfill or charity I know of. None of it was working, it was all old and I had actually learned to live without it, replaced it or didn't like it anymore...sigh! You are going overseas.:D Your job is a new door opening and who knows where in the world you might finally decide to nest for good. If you can...leave it behind forever... I wish I had!

I just want to add here.. in hindsight if I am brutally honest with myself. I wanted that stuff back because I felt my ex had taken so much from me already...stuff I couldn't get back. Intangible stuff. And I was making a decision from a place where I felt he betrayed me, he didn't deserve to have my belongings near him. It was all very emotive SameBoat. And...all hugely useless...in hindsight. I am a slow learner it seems.(:p at myself). So maybe if you can do the maths for yourself. Even though you don't really know - what is the absolute minimum time you will be o/seas v. cost of getting & storage or replacement? If you come out equal or it costs to much to keep :eek: (shrug) Leave it..

However if you do want your belongings and your ex resists allowing the removal of your belongings now try a 'free' session with a lawyer or find out your legal rights with a DV counsellor...or can someone in your local church network with someone in a sister church where you belongings are help? Do some research. It is your property at the end of the day. If you cannot afford to do all of this try again when you are working and can afford to. Or maybe a local charity or DV shelter worker can assist with networking and finding a solution.

Just please don't go back to get it. He will be waiting and he is unsafe.

On a happy note...:laugh: I hope you are enjoying the wine and I raise a glass to you and your future job and life. You are a fine example of womanhood and I am very pleased to drink to your future....sip!:playful::wacky:
 
Hey guys
Just wanted to update and check in, I've been her at my dad's for almost 3 weeks now and I am SO HAPPY! I've made friends, I go out, no one says anything degrading or crappy to me.. it's great.
I will say that I've got an ice box where my heart used to be, I still don't really feel things there, I remember a time when I felt genuine joy you know where you can feel it in your heart and I just don't feel anything in my heart but numb but I assume that will change with time. It's so weirdly good to be able to do and think what I want when I want
Unfortunately I'm not able to have any contact with the kids but I was able to speak to the older one and I told him I love him and will always be there for him and things may be different after he is 18. Not mu ch I can do on that front.
I was still in contact with his mom, but he recently told her that she will never see her grandkids again if she continues to talk to me. So she now bears the brunt of his abuse which is sad and I don't know how she will be able to cut him out of her life.
He has a new girlfriend who he how's calls is fiance, I feel bad for her and as much as I want to wish them the best I hope she sees his ugly side before she's in too deep... I don't know if she's around when he's screaming at and mocking his mom but like she told me, not my circus not my monkeys.


Thank you all so much for your support on my journey I never would have done it on my own and anyone who hasn't already please read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That, you can find it free online, it really breaks down a lot of the assumptions and credit you give an abuser and it changed my thinking so I was able to have an outside perspective on what a piece of dirt he is, rather than a poor struggling guy who wants to do the right thing but just can't quite make it. Ugh he sickens me

Anyway I wish everyone the best, and be strong, there is a better life out there.

Last thing, this is a bible verse I love that helped me get through this:

This is what the Lord says:
Though they are strong and numerous
They will still be mowed down
And he will pass away

Though I have afflicted you
I will afflict you no more
For I will now break off his yoke from you
And tear off your shakles
 
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