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Why Are Some Things So Hard To Do?

Discussion in 'General' started by TheDeepestScar, Nov 18, 2007.

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  1. TheDeepestScar

    TheDeepestScar Member

    I think I've already said this but only in a brief statement, my relationship with my family (ie: my mom, dad, siblings...everyone like that)--is non-existant. I had to cut off everyone to keep myself sane.

    I hate it that I had to do that, but my mother despises my husband for standing up to them. See even as an adult they would mock me and put me down and so my husband told them to stop and it made them very angry with him.

    Since that happened my mother has gone completely off her rocker. She's made 2 false reports to social services saying things like we drug our kids, we keep them locked in their rooms all day, ridiculous things really. Both reports were found to be unsubstantiated which we already knew.

    The last one was an especially painful jab at me. Both of them would bring up my history with my ex husband, what he did more so to my daughter than to me. But both were included though they didn't know alot of what went on in that relationship. Just a small thing that always upsets me but I'll say it here, when my daughter was 9 weeks old my ex broke her arm (it was what was called a spiral fracture of her upper arm--I still have issues in the first two weeks in February cause it's an anniversary date). I didn't see him do it, but I saw the x-rays and I saw the demonstration he did on a doll that they had him do in front of me. I always wondered for years why I had flashbacks of him doing it when I wasn't in the room and then I remembered the demo and it clicked.

    Anyways she told the social worker that I was afraid for my life which I've never said and I'm not. I'm actually lucky to have such a caring and understanding husband. And that "I got kicked out of the military cause I couldn't cut it"...which I was honorably discharged after 7 years (6 years plus a 1 year extension). They did a medical evaluation board on me (which was helpful with my VA disability claim) but I took the copy of that with me to file for it instead of sticking around longer where I was working cause that was also putting me through undo stress.

    My parents were abusive but when I mention it my mother always says one of two things, either:

    Since I'm the only one who can remember these things that they never happened.--which isn't entirely true as my middle sister tried to get them in family therapy when she was in college but that only angered them.


    That you can't rely on the memories of a child.

    Which always makes me question my own sanity.

    They say they are not alcoholics because they don't drink every day, but on the weekends they go through 2 cases of beer on Friday and Saturday and sometimes Sunday if Monday is a holiday. Anyday that they don't have to work the next day. They used to drink and drive and throw the beer cans out the window.

    But she thrashes my memories, she verbally assaults me yet I feel guilty for cutting them off because it was practically beaten into me that you have to stick to blood relatives. But my therapists that I've seen tell me that if someone is harmful to you, you do what you have to to survive.

    We tried to reconcile things for the 4th time about a month ago and things didn't work out and she started off again and hurt me more and I don't know why I keep letting her do that to me.

    I have dreams now that have both my mother and my ex husband in them, like they are both trying to get me.

    I did an exercise in my workbook which is one of the first exercises, with drawings and I drew in 'my space' that my parents and my ex were always looming over me, us, my family (husband and two kids and I).

    I don't understand why it has to be this hard to do things like this. I don't know why my family has to be like this. Why are they so cold-hearted. And sometimes I wonder why I'm not like them...my youngest sister is alot like them. My middle sister is distant and cold like my father who has never shown emotion and has never told me he loves me or is proud of me.

    I am the oldest of three. I sometimes think its because I am the only one that actually truly left home. My sisters have never left the state. I've been up and down the United States, Texas, Ohio, Maryland, Virginia. We moved down to North Carolina for maybe 4 months before they lost it on us and started driving past our house and stalking us. Physically instead of on the internet.

    I feel like I can't feel safe anywhere.

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  3. hollyberry

    hollyberry Active Member

    I totally can relate to it being hard to cut off our families. Im having to limit my calls from my mom right now. Its really hard for me, I need her support through this but she has caused most of my problems. I try to talk to her and she tries to rationalize and justafy her behavoir after my father died. I want to scream at her and tell her to stop it. Shes getting up there in age and I really think I can deal with my childhood with out hurting her. I know if she could go back and change what she did she would. These last few days Ive really been struggling and I havn't called her. We were talking a few times a week till this last hospitalization. I am so depressed right now.....just wish it would go away
  4. TheDeepestScar

    TheDeepestScar Member

    I'm actually feeling really depressed and distant and detached right now. Unlike you though I don't think my mother will ever change. She's young yet though, in her mid 40s. But they cannot accept that I am no longer a child. Up until my husband stood up to them for me to tell them to stop making fun of me...they would do it every time. I dreaded going home because I'd always come back depressed and resigned.

    It hurts though, not being able to rely on your family, knowing that if you open that door, someone is going to slam your hands in it.

    I am always paranoid that either my ex or my family is going to track me down. My ex to hurt me physically for leaving, for talking (telling). He threatened me before I left him. My family because they've actually threatened to stalk me. How can your own family threaten to stalk you like that and think it's right?
  5. rt1967

    rt1967 Active Member

    I've had lots of mixed messages and discounts too i think.
    My thinking varies ,i remember being told one goal is to reduce my thoughts.
    And another is integration.Trying to make sense of that.
    Experience keeps changing .
    Glad you here and wishing you all the best and some relief.
  6. nie

    nie Wishing for wings to fly. Premium Member Donated

    I am sorry that things are so rough with your family. I too was abused by my mother and although I do still have a relationship with her, I have to be very careful for myself. It is very hard to not be able to count on those that you should be able. I hope that you are able to find some peace. I am thinking of you.
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