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Dom Violence Why can’t i let go

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Trauma bonding.

It’s much harder to walk away from abusive relationships after being traumatized than it is healhier relationships because of trauma bonding which is story of loosely a version of Stockholm Syndrome. To me, it has felt a lot like trying to resist an addiction.

If the abuse is severe enough, you’ll eventually leave by choice or in a casket.

You deserve so much better. Staying with this person, it isn’t helping them, it’s only enabling them to continue to harm.

Have you reached out to any agencies that help survivors of domestic violence? Trying to do it alone is really hard. You can let go... you may need support to be able to do it, and that’s ok. It’s ok that this is hard, and it’s time for change. You know it’s time for change. Life can be a whole lot better.
 
Hi Adals12,

Everything I've read says it's really difficult to leave - I think abusive relationships undermine our confidence such a lot.

I've jot left mine yet tho I intend to.

I found the following 2 books really helpful as far as helping me to get into a mindset where I could more clearly see the abuse for what it is and not be caughr so often by his tricks...

Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that?
Patricia Evans - The verbally abusive relationship.

Also I've found this forum helpful too.
Best x
 
I don't understand it either. I had the intense draw to that relationship to "fix" it, to get it right, to not be rejected. I honestly do not understand it. I came to a place where I said "enough" and it was like going cold turkey. I stopped. I started thinking about my life, my future and eating better and making better choices. I remember the moment really well and I even remember what I was wearing! I was only 98 pounds, I remember walking away, literally WALKING away from one of my abusers. I did numb myself but I was somehow determined I would walk away and stay away. With time the need to be with that person lessened, and each month that went by it lessened, it got easier. I focused on a life without that person. I called a tv evangelist phone line and a woman on the other end prayed with me (so thankful for that lady who listened to me) and that prayer stuck. It stuck because I could finally "see" that what I felt was NOT love, what I thought was love was NOT love. I thought I loved that person to my core. It was NOT love on my part. It was an illness and I was addicted to all drama and chaotic emotions.
 
Its a process. It really is for years I was frozen in fear and could not even imagine leaving. I thought this was my life.

For years I did not understand what was going on....cognitive dissonance.

Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that?

Educating yourself is a critical first step. Start with Bancroft, he presents in a caring non-scary way. Later there are other books to read.

I know it seems impossible right now, but believe me, if I could get free and break my trauma bond and SEE him for what he is. you can do it.

Tiny steps are the start. Read this book. Get it in kindle, free from the library and keep it hidden but read it. Digest, read it again. It is an invaluable start and will start to clear the "fog" in your head.

Take care and take a step..forward.

Whirlwind
 
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