Why Do I Always Attract Toxic Friends? I Feel Plagued

Joey9999

New Here
Looking for some insight into this as I have had repeated patterns of running into toxic friends & girlfriends.

My friends that I had in my childhood life and adult life were never real friends. The ones that seem super nice in the beginning, but then turn into assholes later on & become bullies, don't respect my boundaries, or try to make me feel bad for being who I am, then blame me for their behavior.

I thought I had a best friend named Rene. We were best friends for about 8 years from 2010 to 2018. I used to meet him in middle school in 2004 and became friends with me. Then when I made a little mistake about what I did to him in 2018, he and his friends treated me like I was a extremely bad person to him when I wasn't. Rene and his friends knew what my situation was. So I apologized and was remorseful to him, but he and his friends still don't care if I was remorseful or not. So they don't like me over a small mistake that I did to him. It's like I wasn't allowed to make even a tiny mistake to him or his friends. Rene used to abuse me by treating me like I was always stupid and he was always right when he actually wasn't always right. His friends knew about what Rene did to me in the past, but they didn't care. So basically, when I made mistakes to him even though they're small, they act like it's extremely bad and think that I should have no friends, but when he made giant mistakes to me, they act like it's perfectly okay. So I never had Rene or his friends as my friends at all, and it wrecked my confidence big time.

I also thought I had a friend named Thomas. We were friends in 2002. I thought he was a decent friend to me, but it turns out, he was never a real friend to me. He used to invite me to his place when we were in high school. After we graduated from high school, he abandoned me like I did something wrong to him, but I never did anything wrong to him. I try talking to him on the phone to keep the friendship from going down, but it didn't work. Then in 2014, when he finally invited me to his house again to hangout. You won't believe what he did to me. He was showing me a video of a random person throwing puppies in the river, so he abused me and thought I was going to do something really bad like that video he showed me and then threat to kill me if I ever did that. So that's when I thought Thomas was nothing but a toxic and a creep person.

I also thought I had a friend named Preston. We were friends for about 3 months in 2010. We used to talk on the phone. And then when I came to his house, his mom really liked me. His mom thought I was a really nice person. After that, Preston said that I became his bestfriend, but I found the truth that we weren't actually bestfriends. He abandoned me right after I was at his house. I don't understand why he did that to me. I did nothing wrong to lose the friendship. So I tried calling him to keep the friendship going, but he never answered his phone anymore. So basically, he didn't really like me.

I also thought I had a friend named Joel. Me and Rene were friends with Joel from 2012 to 2013. Me and Rene played with Joel's kids everytime we came over. Joel's kids said they liked me and Rene. The sad part about me was that Joel offered Rene to babysit his kids, but not me. I'm a great babysitter too, but Joel and his wife only treated me like a kid. I don't understand why they did that to me. Joel and his wife said I was a good person, but they never really trusted me, they only trusted my ex bestfriend Rene. That made me really sad.

I also thought I had a friend named Oscar. Me and him met eachother in tennis class at college in 2014. We were friends, but he never really trusted me at all. I got to see the truth about Oscar not trusting me when he gave me his phone to see that I texted him to see if he wanted to go to the fair with me to go on the rides, and when I saw his contacts, my mobile number was never on his contacts even though me and him talked to eachother for about 4 years. I was really sad that he never really liked me either. And I stopped talking to him in 2018 because he never really trusted me.

And last but not least, I posted on Facebook that my dad was gonna send me to a group home, and none of my friends cared about what was going to happen to me. I don't understand why my dad was being extremely harsh at me like I'm a really bad person which I'm not. It's all because I yelled at my sister because she yelled at me first to turn off the heater, but I didn't want to because I was really cold, and my legs get sore easily if I don't have the heater. So basically, all my friends don't care if I end up in a group home, homeless, having seizures or being dead. So I deactivated my Facebook account because none of my so called friends cared about what was going to happen to me. So I'm basically unloved, unworthy, hopeless, & like the loneliest person on the planet.
 

Joey9999

New Here
Looking for some insight into this as I have had repeated patterns of running into toxic girlfriends.

My girlfriends that I had in my childhood life and adult life were never real girlfriends. The ones that seem super nice in the beginning, but then turn into assholes later on & become bullies, don't respect my boundaries, or try to make me feel bad for being who I am, then blame me for their behavior.

I thought I had a girlfriend named Marrisa. (Not Exactly Sure If I Had Her Name Right) So we were together in 2006 for about 1 month in high school. I thought she was nice at first, but she turned out to be a b****. Then she finally broke up with me which is really good because I didn't like her attitude that she had with me.

I also thought I had a girlfriend named Shelby. We were together in 2006 for about 1 or 3 months in high school. I thought she was a decent girlfriend to me, but it turns out, she never really liked me. I tried looking all over for her in high school because I lost her mobile number, and I never found her. So I assumed that she must of transferred to a different high school without telling me first. She could of called me on my mobile number to let me know that she was not in the same school like I was. She had my number, but she chose not to let me know. So I think she abandoned me.

I also thought I had a girlfriend named Youlanda. (It's actually spelled Youlanda, not Yolanda, I just never heard of that name being spelled like that.) We were together in 2011 for about 4 or 5 months at my job. I thought she was nice at first, but she turned out to be a toxic person. She was nothing but a b****. She even told me that if I ever quit the same job that she's at, she'll be really mad at me and do something really bad to me like harass me or something. I had to ignore her calls that she was giving me because I couldn't stand her being a b**** to me anymore. One time I stood up to her by being mean back to her, and she told her boss on me that I was nothing but mean to her, and I don't know what her boss was doing to me. Then I finally broke up with her at the end of 2011, and I didn't care what she would do to me if I broke up with her. And then I quit my job because it had nothing but toxic people, and I couldn't stand any of them anymore.

I also thought I had a girlfriend named Angel. We were together in 2015 for about 4 or 5 months at the same college. She seemed nice at first, but she turned out to be a creep, and a toxic person. You won't believe what I was going through because of my ex girlfriend Angel. When I broke up with her, she was harassing me for about 1 year like she wouldn't let me have any friends or girlfriends because of how abusive she was with me. I know the harassing would of been like 3 or 4 months, but I couldn't believe it was really longer than 3 or 4 months. She was also gonna lie to the authorities by saying that I abused her when she actually only abused me. I couldn't go to the authorities because she said that she gets a free lawyer, and I felt that she was impossible to get rid of. So I had to apologize to her even though I didn't do anything wrong, and it helped. I don't want to ever go through this pain again like I did with Angel.

There was another female at the mall that she said that she really liked me when she actually didn't. So she convinced me to buy the face cream products even though I didn't want to. I didn't stand up for myself by saying no to her. So I bought face cream products, and I lost over $200 all because I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I was really upset on that day.

So that's why I never had any real girlfriends. The same thing with my friends too that I never really had. So I had toxic friends & girlfriends in my entire life, and I never had any real friends or girlfriends that respects me or cares about me. So I'm like unloved, unworthy, hopeless, & like the loneliest person on the planet.
 

Joey9999

New Here
Looking for some insight into this as I have had repeated patterns of running into toxic people. I almost feel as if there is a banner on my forehead or something about me that draws toxic people to me. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. I was surrounded by abusers & toxic people growing up. In addition to that, I was bullied in school a lot, got bullied in college. As an adult I've had a job where I was on the receiving end of bullying from a boss or a co-worker & in these instances if I ever stood up for myself, I was the one who got into trouble, not the person bullying me. I've had patterns of attracting toxic friends as well, people that seem super nice in the beginning, but then turn into assholes later on & become bullies, don't respect my boundaries, or try to make me feel bad for being who I am, then blame me for their behavior. These guys are relentless & ridiculously aggressive in their approach, refuse to take "no" for an answer, in addition they aren't very appealing & very disrespectful.

Then on occasion I'll meet a girl who's kinda cute, seems nice, polite, decent etc... but then later on they turn out to be sleaze balls, only after sex, and only wants my money. I'm starting to think, "What the hell is it about my luck? & What is wrong with me that I keep attracting people like this? I don't go to bars or night clubs. I'm not really loud & obnoxious or anything bad. I have been told many times that I'm an handsome guy, a nice guy & that I look like someone who wouldn't hurt a fly.

I see all the other people like all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people that get to be in healthy relationships with the person they wanna be with. The exact guy/girl they get to be with. I also see all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people who have decent friends in their lives who truly care for them & respect them, and they can get any friends that they want. I also see all my ex friends, all my ex girlfriends, and other people who have friends and their girlfriends that understand their bad past and present. I am trying to figure out what I did wrong or why I can't have the same.

I just feel like a walking magnet for every creep, loser, bully, crazy, etc... & I'd like to figure out how to stop it. Is it me? Is this something I should blame myself for? I don't really feel like I can talk to many people about this because most of the answers I get tend to only make me feel worse. I hear things like, "You are what you attract, so if you attract losers, creeps, bullies etc.. then you must be one too." I'll also hear, "Well, there's something about you that attracts this, so you are bringing this onto yourself." I've also heard things like, "Well, you should be flattered if a loser, creep, crazy, bully, etc... hits on you, you need to lower your standards & come down off your high horse." Then recently I heard, "Well, people bully you because anyone can tell just by looking at you that your a stuck up little b**** & you need to be brought back down to earth. Everything about you draws people's hatred right to the surface. Just you being you gets people to hate you."

I have cut all the people out of my life its ridiculous. I really wish that I could find decent people in my life who truly care for me & respect me. If I end up having a girlfriend again, she has to truly care for me & respect me. I mean I don't mind being alone, but having toxic friends, girlfriends, and people in my life is the worst.

It seems like attracting toxic friends, girlfriends, & people has been a life long curse for me. I really wish it would stop. Is it me, or is this world just full of predators, abusers, bullies, & people with some serious deep seeded issues?
 

Friday

Moderator
The patterns I’m seeing, here, are crazy super common with people who’ve been raised in abusive families... But... I have no idea if you have an abuse history, and I’ve never met a pattern that doesn’t have more than one possible cause. IE 2 people can be doing the exact same thing, for wildly different reasons, as are the solutions needed to change it. So with that in mind?

***

Most of what you’ve written reads to me like the really normal ebb and flow of friendships over time as people grow up, grow apart, move onto different stages in their lives.

It’s really common for abuse victims to rebel against that process, wanting things to remain fixed & static for all-time. Because that’s how abusive relationships usually work, which is where they learned to pattern their relationships from.

But when they don’t remain static & unchanging, because that’s not how healthy relationships work? Many people coming out of abuse, rather than adapting to a new paradigm (with increasingly healthier & more dynamic relationships, as they come to know themselves better away from the rigidity of roles in abuse) ...Create elaborate/simple narratives for “why” the relationship ended (like being a bad person, or unworthy of friends/love/trust on the one hand, or everyone else is a bad person etc. on the other hand).

Many still go one step further, and attempt to replace the role that person filled in their lives, with the nearest warm body that’s kinda sorta role-shaped. Mother-figure, sister/brother, best friend, etc. Again, because the way abuse tends to operate is with people filling roles, it’s the role thats important not the person. With reeeeeally tragic results, more often than not. As most people rebel against the idea of anyone assigning them some sort of singular role to play. So as they first keep “doing it wrong” (not being what the person assigning them wants them to be), and then pull away altogether? It just reinforces those elaborate/simple reasons “why” the relationships keep ending.

So a person has those reasons “why” (cognitive distortions, for the most part) for both the normal ebb & flow of life as well as all these other relationships they keep trying to make by shoving people into boxes they don’t want to be in, and the whole thing takes on a life of its own.

If either or both of these things are something you do in your life? The good news is that regardless of whether it comes from patterning relationships off of abusive relationships, or elsewhere, it’s such a common thing that therapists who specialize in either abuse, or in relationship dynamics, or in other disorders/conditions where these things may be coming from are really well versed in helping people learn new patterns, and move away from old ones.
 
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Joey9999

New Here
Yep, I think they've been raised in abusive families. Yes, I do have an abuse history too like when my dad acts like he's right all the time to me when nobody does 100 %, it's only from 1% to 99%, it's just extremely abusive when I get the abuse from him.

I never thought they would be like this because of their abusive families. It was extremely hard for me to be perfect with people at all times. It's impossible to be perfect 100% of the time because nobody's perfect. I used to have a friend named Thomas. My friend Rene told me that Thomas hurt alot of females in his relationships, I lost count of how many girlfriends he tried to abuse, but I'm gonna assume between 15 or 30 girls, and that's not having a bad past.

I just wanted them to understand my abuse that I had in the past, so it can be easier for me to understand their abusive past if they can understand mine's too.

Yeah, I get that too like I wanted to find a friend that can be more comfortable than my dad because friends are usually supposed to be nice and respectful to me, and that's why I'm prefer a great friend or great friends, so I can be comfortable with them.

Yep, that's so true that the therapists can help people from their abusive lives they had from their families.
 

silverwhale

New Here
I also feel the same... the banner on my forehead that does not allow me to meet normal and nice people. But I think that due to my PTSD, I'm probably not able to just simply see and go to normal people because they don't feel like "home". This happens at the inconscious level. So it's not that I'm doing that on purpose. It probably means that my behaviour suggest something to the others that does not attract them because they don't feel like "at home". It's just a mirror that situates you were you are on the path of your personal development. And gosh , it's difficult to change the trend. I wonder for myself if the exercice shouldn't be just try to go to talk to ppl that normally I wouldn't go to. Life is a big experiment.
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
Can relate to some aspects .

Somewhere around early 200O, there was almost a magnetic pull-A mix of conscious and unconscious pull— towards people who had certain traits (I’m saying traits because I didn’t know them well enough to grasp them as a whole) The ones with derogatory behaviors, apathy, deeply involved in themselves. These were traits I knew from my caregivers and it’s so familiar, there is strong orientation towards what’s known. It was also about wanting to Do everything right to win them over - Maybe this time I can be good enough for them so that finally I am accepted! It all belonged to my history of growing up around unresponsive , deeply conflicted people in the past. I’m in a loving relationship with my husband since 2007.. I got married in 2016. Many years of Therapy, Therapy, Attachment based yoga therapy.
 

silverwhale

New Here
Can relate to some aspects .

Somewhere around early 200O, there was almost a magnetic pull-A mix of conscious and unconscious pull— towards people who had certain traits (I’m saying traits because I didn’t know them well enough to grasp them as a whole) The ones with derogatory behaviors, apathy, deeply involved in themselves. These were traits I knew from my caregivers and it’s so familiar, there is strong orientation towards what’s known. It was also about wanting to Do everything right to win them over - Maybe this time I can be good enough for them so that finally I am accepted! It all belonged to my history of growing up around unresponsive , deeply conflicted people in the past. I’m in a loving relationship with my husband since 2007.. I got married in 2016. Many years of Therapy, Therapy, Attachment based yoga therapy.
yes I totally agree. We are attracted by similar people that remind us our caregivers, hoping that they will finally accept and recognize us one day. Which will never be the case because we pick the wrong ppl.
thanks for sharing the fact that you met a lovely person and that therapy helps/works
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I too, made a lot of unhealthy "friend" choices, for many years.
It took a lot of attracting self-absorbed, abusive, disordered personality types, for many, many years for me to "wake up" .

I, also, eventually, realised that I deserved better than I was being treated, AND, I also realised that I needed to go into therapy and work on myself;, my disordered attachment issues, my low, low, low self esteem, my fawn-freeze reactions, my lack of social wisdom, in short, the injured sense of self and relational patterns that were/are part and parcel of my c-ptsd.

Through honest assessment and personal growth, I eventually found someone who truly loves me. And, now, I am, probably, almost, a little too discerning and selective about people. And I have MUCH healthier relationships with my children.

It is a "work in progress" but also a complete transformation, from where I was.
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
thanks for sharing the fact that you met a lovely person and that therapy helps/works
Silverwhale.. thanks. There are still aspects I’m struggling with, like people who in the forefront represent a certain behavior (A mix of dominance and supposedly confidence) A part goes right on that says „Look they are the really strong ones, you must make them like you“.. and there is this inner debate and wanting to be submissive but also fight them.
Im still struggling with this now and then, the moment I get triggered Im stuck in that Time-feel-Momentum.
At some days I’m just exhausted, then again the work does help.. but I can’t say honestly I have this truly stable inner core (Whatever that means and who does and what does that look like) Just like Mumstheword says.. work in progress

Life is a big experiment.
Yes..
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
It’s a pattern and thanks for your post and these responses and I feel bad because it’s like reading my life.

I haven’t overcome anything I’m just better at avoiding it.

My wife’s watching Monk on tv, I don’t like it, but last night the main character was being afraid of bees, so naturally he ended up covered with them. The pastor in my church is kinda lecturing on the same thing right now which is giving me a headache. We listen to him in the internet. He’s been yelling about what we “should” be doing.

All I can tell you is, process your trauma and it will lessen so you get better or find better ways to deal with it. Even if it’s avoidance which in some cases is fine I think.

Especially when I avoid opportunities to start the cycle again.
 

Joey9999

New Here
I also feel the same... the banner on my forehead that does not allow me to meet normal and nice people. But I think that due to my PTSD, I'm probably not able to just simply see and go to normal people because they don't feel like "home". This happens at the inconscious level. So it's not that I'm doing that on purpose. It probably means that my behaviour suggest something to the others that does not attract them because they don't feel like "at home". It's just a mirror that situates you were you are on the path of your personal development. And gosh , it's difficult to change the trend. I wonder for myself if the exercice shouldn't be just try to go to talk to ppl that normally I wouldn't go to. Life is a big experiment.
Yeah, it is difficult to change the trend. And that's true that life is a big experiment.




It’s a pattern and thanks for your post and these responses and I feel bad because it’s like reading my life.

I haven’t overcome anything I’m just better at avoiding it.

My wife’s watching Monk on tv, I don’t like it, but last night the main character was being afraid of bees, so naturally he ended up covered with them. The pastor in my church is kinda lecturing on the same thing right now which is giving me a headache. We listen to him in the internet. He’s been yelling about what we “should” be doing.

All I can tell you is, process your trauma and it will lessen so you get better or find better ways to deal with it. Even if it’s avoidance which in some cases is fine I think.

Especially when I avoid opportunities to start the cycle again.
Yeah, that will be one of the best ways for me to process my trauma.



Can relate to some aspects .

Somewhere around early 200O, there was almost a magnetic pull-A mix of conscious and unconscious pull— towards people who had certain traits (I’m saying traits because I didn’t know them well enough to grasp them as a whole) The ones with derogatory behaviors, apathy, deeply involved in themselves. These were traits I knew from my caregivers and it’s so familiar, there is strong orientation towards what’s known. It was also about wanting to Do everything right to win them over - Maybe this time I can be good enough for them so that finally I am accepted! It all belonged to my history of growing up around unresponsive , deeply conflicted people in the past. I’m in a loving relationship with my husband since 2007.. I got married in 2016. Many years of Therapy, Therapy, Attachment based yoga therapy.
Yeah, I totally agree. I think it's coming from my caregivers that is making me attract the wrong people. So I think that's why I've been attracting them all my life. Yeah, it is about having to do everything right to win the right people like the nice, normal, and smart people. I'm glad that you have a husband that is nice and accepts you for who you are.





I too, made a lot of unhealthy "friend" choices, for many years.
It took a lot of attracting self-absorbed, abusive, disordered personality types, for many, many years for me to "wake up" .

I, also, eventually, realised that I deserved better than I was being treated, AND, I also realised that I needed to go into therapy and work on myself;, my disordered attachment issues, my low, low, low self esteem, my fawn-freeze reactions, my lack of social wisdom, in short, the injured sense of self and relational patterns that were/are part and parcel of my c-ptsd.

Through honest assessment and personal growth, I eventually found someone who truly loves me. And, now, I am, probably, almost, a little too discerning and selective about people. And I have MUCH healthier relationships with my children.

It is a "work in progress" but also a complete transformation, from where I was.
Dang, it must of took alot of years for you to finally wake up and realize that the people you attracted in the past were abusive. I'm sorry it took a long time to go through all these abusive people until you finally found someone that truly loves you. I'm glad you have someone that truly loves you and having better relationships with your children.
 
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