Sexual Assault Why do I feel bad about calling it Sexual Assault?

GuyBloke

New Here
I haven't said anything for a long time since nobody has noticed anything was wrong, but I've noticed something is wrong.

From November to January 2019-20 my house was under renovation (builders working in the house during the day) which somehow caused me to start having frequent nightmares. At some point in December I suddenly remembered a school trip in year 7 (8th Grade for Americans). It was either 3 days and 2 nights (or 5 days and 4 nights) where during the day we did basic 9-13 year old school trip stuff like rock climbing and team activities. During the evenings when we went back to the dorm everybody (8 beds in dorm) played "the rape game". Somebody would trigger the game (I think it was by turning off the lights) and but I can't remember the functions of the game clearly.

I googled the place this trip was at and the dorm we were in had 8 beds, but I remember there being less students than that.

I can remember that everything in this paragraph happened but cannot remember the details of how far the game was taken. On one night the lights were turned off, and I was tackled to the ground. I have one memory of being dry humped so hard I might as well have been kicked, something about this incident caused a teacher to open the door without knocking (we were making so much noise), and as the handle was pulled down I was trying to get out from under me friend who was doing whatever. When he finally noticed someone was coming in he let me go and I have a second memory of me pulling my trousers and underwear back up (mutually exclusive with the first memory) and sitting on the floor leaning against a bed on the opposite side of the room, putting on an act like nothing had been going on when the teacher asked us what he'd heard. (He'd probably thought a fight had broken out or whatever).

From the day we all went home I forgot the school trip, like it never happened, anywhere between then and a year later I woke up one morning and (you know those sexual urges you get when your awake and don't have to get up because your on holiday?) had strong sexual urges of receiving sex. That morning I seemingly randomly fantasized about receiving anal sex, (I had no memory of the school trip that morning) and went through the obligatory process of worrying I was gay. I'm not.

Come December 2019 (6 years later), the memory of the rape game suddenly popped into mind and 18 year old me realized it wasn't just something friends do on school trips. Since then I have randomly had moments in the day, with no discernible cause, where I can feel someone sexually assaulting me (I had been able to feel this before but had not connected the feelings to the school trip, as if it were consensual). Come March I had started randomly 'feel' somebody sexually assault me in more graphic detail random memories of someone from that dormitory climbing into my bed and [use your imagination for some reason I can't make myself write it].

But for years I went to school with the lads in that dorm, never getting on with most of them but only having problems with one of them, I suppose it's difficult to label anyone this or that for something they did to me when they were 11-12.

After reading about how some people can't function in day to day life its difficult to say that I have anything to complain about, but at the same time I'm concerned that I'm just passing my (serious) problems off as nothing to worry about. I've had these problems in the past, now I'm spending hours a day shaking and every morning obsessing about the details of the game (the few that I can remember) but so far no one has noticed.

I'm sorry if this came off like I was ranting, but its difficult to look into therapy around here right now because of Coronavirus. Is this something I should see a mental health person to talk about or am I being a hypochondriac? Is it wrong to call what happened on the school trip assault?
 

RubyBlue

Policy Enforcement
I wouldn’t call you a hypochondriac at all. I definitely encourage you to seek out whatever counseling you are able to find right now. I don’t know how many therapists are taking on new client’s, but it doesn’t hurt to call and set up a video session.
 

Friday

Moderator
Is it wrong to call what happened on the school trip assault?
Nope. That’s exactly what it was.

If we want to get super technical it would be COCSA (child on child sexual assault), being a specific kind of sexual assault, is still sexual assault... it just gives some of the context/complexity up front. Like it’s both really natural as an adult looking back to not to blame the other kid (who was -as you say- just a kid, and probably acting out their own sexual abuse at 5e hands of an adult with other kids where he felt in control) AND still be furious at them, hate them, fear them... whilst at the same time being totally compassionate towards them, and not blame them a bit. ((As are several other possible 180 degree conflicting thoughts/feelings that are unique to COCSA; some unique, some shared amongst other kinds of sexual assault.)
Is this something I should see a mental health person to talk about or am I being a hypochondriac?
People see therapists because they don’t like their shoes. A good therapist? Will help them through that, to become more the person that they want to be. Whether that’s someone who likes their shoes, or someone with the self confidence to handle their shoe problems on their own, instead of just staying stuck with shoes they don’t like.

Ditto, people who are perfectly healthy/fine in every regard will hire a therapist to help them be better people. Nothing is wrong with them, but they’d like some assistance in becoming their best.

So if it’s okay for someone with nothing wrong, and it’s okay for someone who has a pretty minor thing wrong... do you think it MIGHT be okay for someone who experienced something pretty damn huge, and is creating very real problems in their life to see someone?
 

Wonder Woman

MyPTSD Pro
Hi, GuyBloke. What you are describing is definitely childhood sexual assault (CSA). I'm very sorry that this happened to you.

Seeking therapy with someone who has training and experience working with people who have experienced childhood sexual trauma is probably your best option for working through this. In my personal experience, other mental health professionals can do more harm than good.

A good place to start is a local rape crisis center; they usually have people there who can help you or refer you to someone community based. At least that is how it works where I live. I don't know the equivalent where you are.

It's better to take your time to find the right person to support you, than to just see some random therapist. Just my opinion, based on my personal experience.
 

GuyBloke

New Here
Reading everything back while I'm sober, spending years growing up with these people after the school trip might be why it doesn't feel write calling is assault/abuse. That was always something that happened to others, you read about somebody being assaulted and its poor them, but not me. So since writing this more and more memories are coming back, (its like my brain thinks I'm starting to get over it so I can handle more extreme memories now?) but I'm still looking back on a timeline where the school trip never happened, that person I remember being just a few months ago was never assaulted in any way, and I feel almost like an imposter saying otherwise.

It was still a weight off my shoulders talking about it (if drunkenly typing everything anonymously onto a forum well past midnight is talking about it lol), going to a therapist will still be difficult here.

Thank you all for replying though
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
You're not an imposter...

You know, imposters don't need to block it out, pretend to even themselves nothing went on, and be drunk to even think of sharing their nothings ;)

It's seriously good you are reaching out and talking (any way of sharing letting you get it out is good.) and its normal to be worried about starting therapy too, and how to talk there.

Abuse / assaults are wicked uncool that way, but yeah, not making a camel outta molehill, you were abused and deserve all the care for it you can get now.
 

Wonder Woman

MyPTSD Pro
Reading everything back while I'm sober, spending years growing up with these people after the school trip might be why it doesn't feel write calling is assault/abuse. That was always something that happened to others, you read about somebody being assaulted and its poor them, but not me. So since writing this more and more memories are coming back, (its like my brain thinks I'm starting to get over it so I can handle more extreme memories now?) but I'm still looking back on a timeline where the school trip never happened, that person I remember being just a few months ago was never assaulted in any way, and I feel almost like an imposter saying otherwise.

It was still a weight off my shoulders talking about it (if drunkenly typing everything anonymously onto a forum well past midnight is talking about it lol), going to a therapist will still be difficult here.

Thank you all for replying though

I think feeling like an imposter is typical, when you've pushed-down those memories and tried to disconnect yourself from the reality of what happened.

The important thing to remember is that you are not an imposter.

I am glad you plan on speaking to a therapist. It will be difficult at first, but it will get easier the more sessions you have. Also, it will be worth it. You are worth the effort.

Yes, the memories do start flooding back, once the dam breaks. Don't worry, you might feel like you're drowning, but you'll get through it.

The psychologist I work with often reminds me that our minds won't allow us to remember anything that we cannot handle. Plus, you were able to withstand the actual abuse/assault(s), so you are strong enough to endure their memories, too.
 

GuyBloke

New Here
You know, imposters don't need to block it out, pretend to even themselves nothing went on, and be drunk to even think of sharing their nothings ;)

Too right, I read the view count on the post was 72 people have read this threat, my first thought was "oh shit everybody knows". Knows that somebody out there somewhere was involved with something...

At the time I was just expected to hide it from the teachers and other students. I think I still am.

Whats nice is that I was expected the replies to the first post (if any) would be as critical and doubtful as my thoughts on the incident are, I guess this was a step in the right direction then?
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Totally a step in the right direction. ;)

And hey, you're not in trouble, won't be in trouble for talking to us, and we ain't an angry mob, man.

Besides, can always assume people just mis clicked with the views if the exposure fears get too hot. :whistling:
 
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