Sometimes I find myself purposely watching or listening to things that trigger me. I was physically abused by my ex boyfriend but I never realized it or acknowledged that it actually happened until after we broke up. I remember that he would hit me but tell me I was crazy or didn't know what I was talking about when I would bring it up. So much so every time he would abuse me I just kept quiet because if I talked back to him or tried to defend myself it made the abuse much worse. He left bruises on my neck multiple times and when I showed him that he did that he denied it and called me delusional. I have so many vivid memories of him abusing me but then after he would deny it or play it down or make it seem like nothing happened. Now I find myself watching shows or movies that have triggering scenes on purpose to trigger my memories. I also wrote down all the memories I have of the abuse and I often reread them. I already have PTSD from being abused as a child and I NEVER want to trigger those memories because I know how much they hurt. I feel like I am doing this for validation because my brain is confused from suppressing so much. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of thinking about him and what he did to me but at the same time I feel so attached to it. I get such a big urge to cry when I get memories but the tears never come out. I never was able to get closure either, up until the very end of our breakup he put all the blame on me and told me everything that happened between us was my fault. Its been months and I still cannot get over this. I hate the power he has over me and I hate that he is doing fine and probably not even thinking about how much what he did impacted me. I feel like something in my brain still hasn't fully processed how much he actually physically hurt me because when I was in the relationship I would just suppress everything from my feelings to who I was as a person. I want to move on but I feel so stuck. Anyone got any advice?