Relationship Why do PTSD relationships most often fail?

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
To be honest I was shocked, I don’t really understand what I’m experiencing. It was him that’s sick, not me.
Ha. I had that too. It changes the way you perceive yourself rather drastically. All stuff I thought was eh… more efficient or whatever, but actually not. The "helping" spot makes you feel less worse because at least you have some control, you’re doing it. It can cover the fact you aren’t really in a good spot. You might feel in control but actually it’s very easy to lie on being dependent of damage-containing/managing a situation and get sidetracked with your life, and actually lose control and freedom. The good news is that once you know and see it it you can do something about it.
 
Ha. I had that too. It changes the way you perceive yourself rather drastically. All stuff I thought was eh… more efficient or whatever, but actually not. The "helping" spot makes you feel less worse because at least you have some control, you’re doing it. It can cover the fact you aren’t really in a good spot. You might feel in control but actually it’s very easy to lie on being dependent of damage-containing/managing a situation and get sidetracked with your life, and actually lose control and freedom. The good news is that once you know and see it it you can do something about it.
This is very new to me. I’m trying to finish my diary which will put so much context and understanding to my situation. It’s a lot, part of the process… acknowledging it and doing something about it.
Quite honestly… I’m terrified. I love this man and lost him, lost myself in it. I’m just trying to understand it and piece myself back together.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
This is very new to me. I’m trying to finish my diary which will put so much context and understanding to my situation. It’s a lot, part of the process… acknowledging it and doing something about it.
Quite honestly… I’m terrified. I love this man and lost him, lost myself in it. I’m just trying to understand it and piece myself back together.
It's okay and normal to be terrified. And it's difficult to prioritize ourselves. It seems counter instinctive but really I came to understand it's a requirement even if wanting to be supportive. You also have to discover how others can be supportive of you and how it feels and what it means. I find it very difficult.
 
It's okay and normal to be terrified. And it's difficult to prioritize ourselves. It seems counter instinctive but really I came to understand it's a requirement even if wanting to be supportive. You also have to discover how others can be supportive of you and how it feels and what it means. I find it very difficult.
It is very difficult and all consuming. I just started therapy, for what I thought was a bit of depression from being a supporter. I was just recently diagnosed and it puts so much perspective on the last five years.
I wish I could explain and talk to him about what I’ve found out but he refuses to speak to me.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
Maybe now it’s time to focus on your own treatment and put him on the back burner?

Honestly, supporters need to take care of their own mental health first before they even consider supporting somebody else with their own PTSD. If you are not in a good place, it’ll drag you down. Half the time it can drag you down when you *are* in a good place.

Sounds like it might be time to be a “sufferer first” and give yourself some of the consideration you’ve been giving him. You deserve your own kindness and compassion too.
 
Maybe now it’s time to focus on your own treatment and put him on the back burner?

Honestly, supporters need to take care of their own mental health first before they even consider supporting somebody else with their own PTSD. If you are not in a good place, it’ll drag you down. Half the time it can drag you down when you *are* in a good place.

Sounds like it might be time to be a “sufferer first” and give yourself some of the consideration you’ve been giving him. You deserve your own kindness and compassion too.
Thank you Sweetpea for your kind words. I agree that I need to take care of me first, give myself the same time and grace for healing.
I am so thankful to have found this forum.
 

Rosebud

Not Active
To be honest I was shocked, I don’t really understand what I’m experiencing. It was him that’s sick, not me.
I wouldn't go hard on yourself, most people find that out. Most people see the other person as the problem, when in fact if nothing else their reaction is contributing.

I think all relationships, including family, need 2 people to meet half way. One only, from what I know is a waste of time and effort.

Hope you feel better soon. 🤗
 
I wouldn't go hard on yourself, most people find that out. Most people see the other person as the problem, when in fact if nothing else their reaction is contributing.

I think all relationships, including family, need 2 people to meet half way. One only, from what I know is a waste of time and effort.

Hope you feel better soon. 🤗
I definitely know my reactions contributed, I wish I had know then what I do now. Perhaps I could have recognized where my feelings were coming from and be more mindful before I reacted. I wasn’t, I reacted out of raw emotion.
 

Rosebud

Not Active
Well, again @DentedCan 2.0 , I'd say be kind to yourself, you didn't know what you didn't know. That's also a process that can take a very long time to understand and dismantle and change. On the flip side you also didn't expect him to turn away, either. You are learning about yourself, and him. You haven't said (I don't think?) how long it was, but it takes about 2 years at least for people to be more real with each other. Sometimes that doesn't even happen till after they find themselves married.

Like Sweetpea said, you deserve the compassion and kindness you've been giving him. And the upside is, you know you can love deeply, With the next person you can bring that forward, as well as equal respect and care for yourself, as well as working on your own healing.
 
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Rosebud

Not Active
I was thinking about this, I don't think it's different entirely than relationships without ptsd. Except that there's not a lot of wiggle room for indecision or distress (which I suppose is a Big thing). And that people have to work a lot harder on themselves to be a good and kind partner, and to accept receiving. JMHO though. It's a bit of a 3rd unwelcome ghost.
 

intothelight

Sponsor
Next year I will have been married 20 years and I have PTSD. Before diagnosis it just about tore us apart as he didn't understand why I pushed him away, any more than I understood why I engaged in the behavior. What has kept us together is therapy, education and choosing to love and honor our commitment. Honestly, there have been times we couldn't stand each other (fortunately not at the same time). After the initial infatuation and heat wears off, and when you still want a life together, this is when you know it is a relationship.

Most of life is a choice and it doesn't sound romantic and there are no rainbows, unicorns or butterflies, but staying together regardless of the circumstances is a choice. Kids, bills, jobs and add in mental illness or any chronic disease, accident, etc. and it is tough...really tough. Put several of those factors together and unless couples develop good communication skills, the ability to compromise and an understanding that sometimes things can just plain suck but it doesn't mean they always will, a relationship can survive and even thrive.

In a healthy relationship there is an exchange of give and take and sometimes one partner carries more than the other. However, when it is always one sided, manipulative or controlling.....end it.
 

Rosebud

Not Active
Yes @intothelight , my mom used to say it's rarely 50/50, more like 30/70, 70/30 etc. But I think too, they actually wanted to choose each other. The commitment was what underscored why they tried, but the love was what made the commitment through such times even possible or desirable. And the communication, compromise/thoughtfulness, respect, tenderness, faith etc, were some of the tools, some of which they learned or honed together on their own. I don't think it's common. Because I never saw them lose attraction, and that's more awareness of the other person, which takes getting out of one's self, too, and more gratitude than self pity, or shame. But I think if there's safety, and safety to name it, well maybe then there's more chance of facing it and understanding the intricacies and dealing with it more successfully.
 
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