I can't seem to make sense of this. I understand the literature, I understand there are a number of stages or number of symptoms associated with PTSD , but I can't understand why my symptoms are getting worse. Over the months of Jan-Feb of this year I was in a bad relationship which included emotional abuse and sexual abuse , where in the end I ended up just doing whatever or saying whatever to minimise what he would do to me (something I feel a lot of guilt about). The first month after it happened when I was trying to get of it and it was happening so frequent I was just in a dissociative daze, days blurred together , i felt numb and had a terrible startle response. After that things started to become a little more real , Panic attacks started to occur , at the same time I am holding down a semi-stressful job (part of which includes working with kids who are from rough backgrounds ) and I am in my final semester of university and am meant to start post grad in July. The guy I was in a relationship with after we broke up he started to turn up more frequently, the fear of what happened and it getting out has become overwhelming. I have told very few people in attempt to get support however have never mentioned his name nor finer details of the event. He has told some individuals a rumour about me though it is just juvenile act , it is still upsetting. In the last two weeks though my symptoms are getting worst , the PTSD symptoms are getting worse , the flashbacks more intense, feeling him more often , it reached its peak this week when my life-group leader (who is one of the few i told about what happened just not who) decided as a group we should discuss the tv show 13 reasons why which centres around sexual assault , at the same time the guy who did this to me is sitting across the room from me, from this point my panic attacks and flashbacks are getting worse. At the same time because he attends the same university I am having to arrange exceptions for my exams as we have a timetable clash and those rumours and what he has told has lead to the friends i have step away from me. This past week it has gotten to the point where flashbacks include me either screaming , curled up in a ball begging for it to stop or throwing up. I don't understand why the stuff in flashbacks that isn't getting worse but my response is getting worse, my startle response is getting worse , the duration is getting worse. My therapist refuses to process the memories with me as she believes i will fall apart , so instead i am just dealing with the flashbacks by myself.