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Why Is It So Hard To Let Go Of Toxic Relationships?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by permban0078, Aug 18, 2012.

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  1. permban0078

    permban0078 Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member

    Hi all,

    Right now I'm struggling with letting go of a toxic relationship and I'm wondering if anyone else can relate.

    I have a friend, well soon to be ex-friend whom I'll call "Mimi". (A pseudonym, given as she only thinks about "me-me-me") Anyway, Mimi and I have been friends since we were in middle school (We're both in our early thirties now). Our friendship has pretty much always been a struggle. However, things have recently taken a turn for the worst and i believe it is time for me to say goodbye to this friend.

    I admit that I haven't always been the best of friends to her. I'm not claiming innocence or anything like that. When I get triggered I am quite reactive and sometimes say things that aren't so nice. She is a bit different in that she goes out of her way to be nasty to me and bring me down. I can forgive the nasty comments made to me, I just can't get over the fact that she feels the need to tell everyone how "horrible" I am. I don't bring anyone else into our fights. We have mutual friends, and the most I say is that we're struggling right now and I don't want to include them as I don't want to make others choose sides or feel awkward.

    For example, last summer she set me up on dates with two of her friends. Dates, mind you, just dates! She gets mad at me for something or other and then goes and tells each of them that I'm seeing someone else behind their backs. Ok, they were just dates! I wasn't cheating on anyone, and there was no commitment. Well, the date with person "A" went nowhere as there just wasn't any chemistry, and person "B" just laughed and laughed about the BS drama that Mimi was trying to stir up.

    And oh, it gets better. Mimi, being the typical me-me person, brags about everything she has. The money, the posh condo, spending the entire summer at a spa, and so on. The texts I got from her were ridiculous. I got sick of it and just snapped at her that I wasn't jealous of her because of where her money came from. Oh boy, that sent her over the edge. She bad mouthed me to everyone she knows and told me that people were going to come find me and kick my arse. (Yes, this is friendship at its deepest!)

    So last week I got an apology from her, by text of course. My initial response was oh good, we can move forward on mending our friendship. But since then, I realize that its not possible at this point in time. She thinks everything is ok, I, on the other hand, am not so forgiving. Well, I don't hold those things she said to me against her, but I can't forgive her for telling people to beat me up! (It's a safety thing...I can't let go of people threatening my safety.)

    I am to the point of actually being afraid of not being her friend because I see what she does once you get on her bad side. Isn't that sad? Don't get me wrong, I know I need to let things go, its just hard. And of course I feel guilt over moving on from a friendship I've had for more than half my life.

    Sorry this is so long, but I really needed to get this out. In my heart I know what's best, I'm just struggling with getting there. Thanks for reading...
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  3. Queen Boudica

    Queen Boudica survivor, fighter to the end. Premium Member

    Are there any good things about the friendship apart from you have known her half your life? Don't get why you are still friends :confused:
    timetorecover likes this.
  4. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Good thing is, is that you always get to choose your friends... not your family though.
  5. permban0078

    permban0078 Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member

    I don't either! (That is, I don't understand why I've held on for so long.)

    Yes, there are (were?) good things about the friendship. But I think these positive aspects are primarily in the past as I am not getting any benefit from knowing her anymore. Its sort of the idea that things were great once so you don't want to let go of them even though the present state isn't so great.
  6. Queen Boudica

    Queen Boudica survivor, fighter to the end. Premium Member

    So guess you have two options. Either move on or you approach her and tell her that you have always valued her friendship, however, now there are aspects that you are not happy with and would like to overcome as otherwise you will have to move on.

    From what you described in your first post she does not sound like she will react very positively but you know her a lot better.

    Sounds like there are still some positives but if the negatives far outweigh them then it is not doing you any good to carry on with the friendship; so move on. Don't let fear of what she might do let you get on with your life. You cannot have a friendship based on fear.

    Perhaps there is a reason why she has changed and is behaving so badly. So maybe you do just have to have it out. But it might have gone beyond that point and you just need to break free and find some more supportive friends.
  7. timetorecover

    timetorecover Well-Known Member

    Hey Hun

    I think that your friend is toxic to you as your title claims. But your username strikes me as the answer!!

    Sometimes though, the things that we are scared of are the things that we need to face!
    You do not need to fall out or have bad feeling with her (although it feels like there is already a bad taste!)

    Just move on. She is not family and you do not have any commitment to her from what I understand.

    I say give mimi the silent v!!

    Good luck xx
    ScaredOfLonely likes this.
  8. p-no

    p-no Guest

    The same thought crossed my mind.

    And even if she were family: you do not have any commitment to family either if the relationship is toxic (and not otherwise as well, but then you would not think about giving up the relationship anyways).
    timetorecover likes this.
  9. daisy911

    daisy911 New Member

    I just agree that toxic relationships suck. I seem to surround myself with people who are not for my best interest. Knowing this I make enough room to be angry at myself which is a feeling I've grown use too
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2014
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