Why is my 10yr old so angry all the time?

Innordinate

MyPTSD Pro
So apparently my 10yr old son has my anger issues. :shifty:

Not really but the kid is constantly yelling at adults, (screeching really) making demands of them in a not so nice way. If something doesn't go his way he threatens to "run away forever"

It's like toddler tantrums x100
He rages and rants for ever about unimportant crap.... obviously important to him.

For example: last night he gave me his Yu-Gi Oh cards to hold onto while he has hockey practice....(they're a trading card game he plays with his buddies at school during recess)
This morning, as we're leaving my place to go to the bus stop and take garbage down he comes racing outside screaming "Dad! Dad! Dad!"

I was listening to his little sister at the time so i asked him to wait a minute.
He freaks out, screeched "Where's my cards!!" then stomp/runs back into the house to get his cards.
Comes back out yelling at me about .... i'm not even sure what cuz at this point im doing everything in my power not to go off on him and figure out wtf his problem really is...

He slams his backpack down before i could even respond, runs down the driveway without his garbage screaming that hes running away and we'll never see him again...

I took the garbage and reminded him to make better choice, to breathe and calm down...

he's still screaming random stuff about how nobody cares about him, he's not going to school etc.
finally grabs his bag, comes for a hug.
i give him a hug but his bus is now waiting so i had to cut the short and told him to go quickly and he walks to the bus screaming, again, about how i dont care.

really, really don't know what to do with that.

i took his cards away for a month.

Not sure how to help him if he's not even going to try to settle himself down so we can have a discussion.
Not sure if this is even normal behaviour for his age. A boy thing?
I don't remember my older daughter acting this ... i dunno, dysregulated?.. ever!


Anyone elses kids go through this nasty rage type of stage- where everything is urgent right now and the normal speaking tone seems to be snarky and volume is at screech level almost constantly?
 

Gs172003

MyPTSD Pro
So apparently my 10yr old son has my anger issues. :shifty:

Not really but the kid is constantly yelling at adults, (screeching really) making demands of them in a not so nice way. If something doesn't go his way he threatens to "run away forever"

It's like toddler tantrums x100
He rages and rants for ever about unimportant crap.... obviously important to him.

For example: last night he gave me his Yu-Gi Oh cards to hold onto while he has hockey practice....(they're a trading card game he plays with his buddies at school during recess)
This morning, as we're leaving my place to go to the bus stop and take garbage down he comes racing outside screaming "Dad! Dad! Dad!"

I was listening to his little sister at the time so i asked him to wait a minute.
He freaks out, screeched "Where's my cards!!" then stomp/runs back into the house to get his cards.
Comes back out yelling at me about .... i'm not even sure what cuz at this point im doing everything in my power not to go off on him and figure out wtf his problem really is...

He slams his backpack down before i could even respond, runs down the driveway without his garbage screaming that hes running away and we'll never see him again...

I took the garbage and reminded him to make better choice, to breathe and calm down...

he's still screaming random stuff about how nobody cares about him, he's not going to school etc.
finally grabs his bag, comes for a hug.
i give him a hug but his bus is now waiting so i had to cut the short and told him to go quickly and he walks to the bus screaming, again, about how i dont care.

really, really don't know what to do with that.

i took his cards away for a month.

Not sure how to help him if he's not even going to try to settle himself down so we can have a discussion.
Not sure if this is even normal behaviour for his age. A boy thing?
I don't remember my older daughter acting this ... i dunno, dysregulated?.. ever!


Anyone elses kids go through this nasty rage type of stage- where everything is urgent right now and the normal speaking tone seems to be snarky and volume is at screech level almost constantly?
Is there something going on at school you don't know about? Bullying online?
It might not be a bad idea to take him to see a therapist.
 

Innordinate

MyPTSD Pro
Is there something going on at school you don't know about? Bullying online?
It might not be a bad idea to take him to see a therapist.

Yeh, we're waiting for referral from his paediatrician for a psychologist/therapist...

He's not online so there's nothing like that.
Nothing at school as far as we know... but ill ask him.
He generally says school was good when i ask him questions about his day.
Plays with his buddies etc.
 

Friday

Moderator
10 was very loud and DRA-MATIC! at our house.

Very much like the terrible 2s. Total lovebug :inlove: one moment turning into :sour::mad: angry rhino thundering crescendos the next, with a lot of me repeating “I will not get emotionally invested in an argument with a child, I will not get emotionally invested in an argument with a child” in my head.

((It’s one of my House rules ; Getting emotionally invested in an argument with a child is a lot like getting emotionally invested in an argument with a piece of furniture. We all do it from time to time, but it’s usually regrettable.))

It heralded the beginning of the slide into the sociopathic years, where other people just aren’t really “real” for awhile. Totally normal & necessary part of childhood development, as they become more independent of their parents (and peers) and become their own selves where bonds are chosen rather than inherent.... but boy oh boy oh boy. It reeeeeally made me miss the toddler years where they’re small enough to PICK UP and put on timeout (or strap into the car seat and just GO already :facepalm: )

If you’d like to skip taking a year of adolescent psych courses at your local CC? Try reading the book “How to talk so kids will listen; and how to listen so kids will talk” &/or the teen version. (Same authors). Both apply for the next 4 years or so. Dead Link Removed
 

Innordinate

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks @Friday
definitely gettin this book... I need better strategies cuz his anger sets of mine.. and so far so good but... crap!

Yeh, I do a lot of.. "He's just a kid" chanting in my own head so i dont end up reacting to him.

I dunno- i know kids act out cuz their needs arent being met... im worried whatever need of his that im missing, that isnt being met, is one (or more) that im not capable of meeting.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I think it is a lot to assume you must meet all your children's needs as a mother or a parent. Honestly even the greatest parents will miss something that one must learn somewhere else. I think your concerns are valid and the fact you are looking for ways to help and ease the situation is good. All I can add are this: How were you when you were his age? and are you in therapy to help you and guide you in your own reaction, emotions and your own recovery?

I am only asking this because it seems like you are afraid of reacting which is natural but also maybe reacting to him same like him will not solve any problem but reacting to him to try to understand what is underneath may help.
Every family is different and I do not have children but gosh (I wish I did not remember my childhood so much thanks for PTSD), he is going through something. The last thing he needs is triggering his own mother. You need to find ways to hold your own cup and observe his without mixing the two. Much easier said than done...I can see but I honestly thing being concerned and trying to find ways to work with your child is the best you are already doing.
all the best.
 

Innordinate

MyPTSD Pro
Not a mother. Definitely a father....
this is like the 8th time someone assumed im female cuz im talking about my kids... whats with the bias people?

anyways- not the point

How were you when you were his age?

I can't compare him to me when I was that age.
I have no baseline normal of what a regular kid not living in constant abuse/trauma is suppose to look like.

My oldest daughter did not go through this when she was 10. Snarky and sarcastic -yeh, she was. Rage like my son currently has? no. .... and everything ive googled says 10 almost 11 is puberty age so... maybe hormones?

I feel like as much as i've done to keep my anger issues away from
my kids .... to give them good quality time when they're at my place, which is a lot now... but obviously, still failing somewhere...

Done talking, giving him more responsibilities, trusting the choices he's allowed to make on his own, giving him more choices to make on his own, taking away privileges (tech, toys, those stupid yugioh cards...)

at a loss of what else to do while we wait forever for a referral to a therapist.

his mom is no frikin help.... she's at a loss too.

This kid is normally really caring and kind. the amount of empathy he has for people is crazy. i cant even kill spiders. he looks for healthy food to eat, has a ton of interests, plays team sports, has a bunch of buddies... no best friend though, which is apparently a "thing"

extremely intelligent. i dont think he's ever really connected with kids his age all that well. super clingy, like always wants my attention, or his grandmas or his moms.
also super frikin bossy... acts like he's his sisters parent... kind of a control freak... which is why i'm trying to get him into a therapist. because i have ocd which may or may not have been caused by trauma.... but that shit runs in families so i want him getting professional help for coping skills right away.

just wtf do i do with/for him in the meantime?
i hate that he has so much anger.
i dont want him to end up like me and just instantly hating everything and being angry every frikin time one thing doesnt go right..

:(
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I did not assume your gender because of this post!!! I always thought by your name u were a female...
Thanks for having sense of humor about it.
 

Innordinate

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks for having sense of humor about it.

im assuming thats sarcasm? because of the !!!! prior ...
:rolleyes:

first off- i didnt call you out or anything... it is like the 8th time. it is a stereotype i get annoyed at...
second: am i not suppose to correct people? just continue on letting everyone else who reads these posts be confused or continue to let everyone else assume im female?
third- i wasnt mean about it - could have been. wasn't.
fourth- everyone makes mistakes so its not really a big deal, certainly not one big enough to get mean/sarcastic at

moving on now....

kid gets home soon.... he's already lost the cards.... but im thinking he needs to spend some time in his room, chilling on his own, thinking about better ways to say stuff... after we have a discussion about it and no privileges tonight.

done all that before though - didnt seem to work for shit a day later...
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I’m clear you are a dad . :)

I’m also just fresh of therapy today. My parents had trauma ( but unlike you weren’t trying to help me). I note that my empathy was somewhat problematic because I didn’t feel met half way.

I am NOT criticising you, and love how you hugged him when he expressed emotions and frustration. But if he is empathetic I think he probably is aware of frustration/ issues you guys might have as parents. You are already doing what you can, looking for a therapist, meeting his hurt with affection. So be kind to yourself and his mother.

There is a great resource here till that though. What did we, hurt people who felt unheard as kids, need? He got that empathy from somewhere, and he talks to you for you to know he has it, Can you let him talk and not tell him he is wrong? Think about what he says?
 

Friday

Moderator
My oldest daughter did not go through this when she was 10. Snarky and sarcastic -yeh, she was. Rage like my son currently has? no. .... and everything ive googled says 10 almost 11 is puberty age so... maybe hormones?
Oh.... girls and boys are totally different, as a rule.

Boys are easier, IMO. Louder, but less guessing. Their hearts are on their sleeves -super delicate feeeeeeelings- and their reactions very very big. Girls, otoh, tend to go very covert, expect you to read their minds, and get vicious when you don’t or get it wrong :rolleyes: :banghead: .

And, Cha. Definitely hormones. Puberty. Wheeeeee. :wtf:

One of the interesting things about boys/men? Is that they go through the same hormonal cycles women do... on a daily, rather than a monthly basis. Waaaaaaaaay shorter cycle, although there’s some debate about whether it’s condensed intensity-wise or not (a week compressed into an hour, or an hour’s worth of e out of a week). I suspect that’s one of the things we’ll never know, because whilst we can know the physiology involved? The personal experience doesn’t exactly translate. 6 of 1 half a dozen of another, IMO. Point actually being that one of the reasons I find boys dealing with hormone spikes easier than girls? They surface fairly quickly. Couple hours and it blows itself out. As opposed to girls who can hold a motherf*cking grudge for days and days.

Puberty kicking off doesn’t mean there isn’t anything else going on... but hormones take nothing going on and turn it nuclear, whilst serious shit happening gets all Death Star Planet Buster. Everything is amplified.
 
Top