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Relationship WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

Thread starter #1
Hi all

I've posted up my story so far over on the supporter diaries and I'll definitely keep it going there but today, I've hit a MASSIVE WALL with my sufferer. And I'm completely at a loss to know what to do/what not to do next.

Very long story short - We've known each other 8 months. He's a paramedic. We got on brilliantly at the beginning (usual story!) and then he isolated. I wasn't blocked. We SLOWLY started communicating again. During the COVID lockdown he was (understandably) sporadic in his responses but he said that my messages were keeping him going, that he wanted to meet up again when things quieten down, that he really appreciated having me in his life. He asked for a new photo of me. He sent me photos of his house and things he's made. A few weeks ago he opened up to me about a problem at work. Just over a week ago, he phoned me for the first time in months and we chatted for an hour. He suggested that we go for a walk today or tomorrow. Yep, and you guessed it! He's isolated again! I left him in peace all week and asked him on Saturday if he still wanted to go out? NOTHING. I told him last night that if meeting up was too difficult, he shouldn't worry. That I just needed to know if we were going out or not (I work), but that the roots of our friendship were growing over time and that was good. That we'd find our way. NOTHING.

I should be used to this by now. I should be able to take it on the chin. I KNOW he has PTSD. I KNOW his stress cup is probably overflowing. But why, why, why call for an hour, suggest two particular days to meet up, say we'll speak during the week to arrange things and then NEVER RESPOND TO ANYTHING????? How hard can it be to just say to me that he's had a crap week and can't make it? Haven't I already proved that I'm not going to blame him or question him or run away?

This is the hardest thing I've ever done. And I don't have a clue what to do next.....

If anyone has any suggestions, please share them (kindly) with me x
 
Thread starter #2
Sorry for the rant above, I just needed to let it out. It's been a s**t day!

And I already know the answers to my own questions, and that's from listening to you all!!

It's hard because I care about him. It's hard because HE HAS PTSD (duh!) It's hard because he's an isolater. It's hard because he doesn't yet trust me enough.

It's just plain hard, and it's a million times worse for him than me........
 
#5
Take a step back and focus on yourself. I know it sounds crazy to say that but the truth is, you only have control over yourself. When we focus on the things we don’t have control over, it brings frustration, depression, anxiety. Understand your needs, desires, focusing on your journey. Let things fall into place that work for you.
 
Thread starter #6
Take a step back and focus on yourself. I know it sounds crazy to say that but the truth is, you only have control over yourself. When we focus on the things we don’t have control over, it brings frustration, depression, anxiety. Understand your needs, desires, focusing on your journey. Let things fall into place that work for you.
Thank you. Yes, I've stepped away for the moment. I'm giving myself a few weeks of 'me' time. The long time supporters here have so much good advice and I'm so grateful for it! My sufferer is an isolater so this is going to happen again and again, and the best thing I can do for both of us is take care of myself first. Logically, I know this...he just blindsided me this time! But I'm much calmer now and enjoying a few days pottering around with my teen. Thanks for your input. All advice is welcome x
 
#7
I have PTSD. I wouldn’t find this ok for what I need to sustain anything but an occasional friendship.

Dating is about finding the right fit. This wouldn’t be the right fit for me personally. You’ll have to sort out if it’s the right fit for you.

I strongly advise not staying in it hoping he’ll change. Let him be him. You do you. If it doesn’t click it doesn’t click.
 
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