Relationship Wifes ptsd is worse than ever!

Sam7787

New Here
Hi
I posted on here a while ago however much has changed since then between me and my now ex wife. I'm after some thoughts and guidance. My wife has had cptsd for 10years and has never had therapy, shes to afraid to. She developed it when her ex husband tried to murder her. I won't go into detail, let's just say it was horrific! I've been with her for 8yrs. During this time her ex comes out of prison and bk in again for hurting somebody else. As u can probably guess, when he's inside she's fine, no trauma at all. When he comes out it's hell! She can't trust anyone, fear of hurt, feels alone, worthless, guilty, unloved, unappreciated, doesn't believe anything I say etc. I'm the big bay guy which makes sense. Obviously I just try to be there for her and get her through it. She almost left me a few times because she doesn't believe I love her. But luckily everytime she ends up thanking me and were OK again. This time however, wow! We've had a seriously hard Yr like everybody and she was under immense stress and still is. She left me five months ago because she felt i didn't love her. Shes never actually left me before. Since then she has repeated all the things she used to say. She can't trust and I'm gona hurt her etc. I know this is ptsd, and I know I can't tell her that cause she won't listen. When she happy it's like we never broke up! She flirtatious, we really get on and 9 times over the 5 months we've slept together and she told me she loves me, and only ever wants me, I'm her forever. We almost get bk together. Then the stress kicks in and she turns. She said I made her feel more worthless than anyone she has ever known!? And she doesn't want me. Then I try to explain its just stress and stay calm and she be fine, but this makes her even worse again and she just spirals. Now as far as she's concerned I've just been the pain in the ass she thinks I am and is gona start dating an old ex from 25yrs ago. Just an dating relationship thing. She hates that kind of thing and I told her this. She said I don't care, it means I won't get hurt again! She went from telling me she wants me, to about to start dating within 3weeks! I couldn't understand y? Then I found out. It turns out all the good days, the flirting, sleeping together, almost getting bk together and all the nice things she says. She has completely forgotten about!? Can't remember a thing? As far as she's concerned I've been trying to get with her and she's been saying no for 5 months! Of course I tried to jog her memory by telling her...big mistake! Now she thinks I'm lying aswell which made things worse. I don't no what to do? If she does move on, I fear she will be happy and her feelings for me will come back as always and hurt her, Or worse the memories come bk as well and it will break her. Or she will just ignore them and end up doing the same thing to next person. Either way she will get the hurt she is trying to escape. I just dont want to see her get hurt. I don't no how to help her.
 

StillPen

Confident
I am sorry you are going through this and all you can do is encourage her to seek counseling and "let go with love". You didn't cause this nor can you cure it. She is clearly what I call 'stuck in a trauma loop'. She'll do this in every relationship until she gets the help she needs to repair the broken attachment she had with her X. I hope you get therapy, too. It will help you cope with the loss and hurt you feel from seeing her get hurt over and over. I wish you all the best.
 

Sam7787

New Here
Thats
I am sorry you are going through this and all you can do is encourage her to seek counseling and "let go with love". You didn't cause this nor can you cure it. She is clearly what I call 'stuck in a trauma loop'. She'll do this in every relationship until she gets the help she needs to repair the broken attachment she had with her X. I hope you get therapy, too. It will help you cope with the loss and hurt you feel from seeing her get hurt over and over. I wish you all the best
That's what I was afraid of. Thanks for the reply
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Sam7787, it's a sad story and your wife really should be getting professional help, i e, at least a therapist. If she won't get professional help then that's her problem. You can only try so much before this problem just sucks the life out of you. Do you really want or need this in your life? I mean from what you've said "the words and accusations/ dating other people"! Maybe it's just time for you to cut your losses and move on to something else??
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Maybe it's just time for you to cut your losses
I very much agree with this. ^ Cutting the losses is exactly what is the most difficult ever. Because so far we’ve been doubling down. I’ve been stuck in a similar problem (not situation) with an ex who had diagnosed cptsd & bpd and now I think perhaps some form of osdd, anyway, I can’t tell for sure. He wasn’t getting help and everything was so, so out of hand. It made me loose my hair and worsen a cptsd that so far was managed. And I very know what’s the feeling of no-one-has-managed-but-I-will-get-through-our-love-will-be-stronger-than-this. Sad scoop, it isn’t. And the more you double down, the more difficult it gets to stop. Because somewhere in your brain it’s telling you then it means it was bad all the way long. Perhaps it wasn’t. Probably it was worth trying. But now you seem to have reached the end of what’s humanly possible to get her help. I came to think the best I could wish to happen to my ex was to be hospitalized—something I have (and had) exactly 0 power over. At the end it’s up to each individual to choose to get over their fear and put themselves on the paths to heal and live a decent life.

It is a very horrible form of heart break and we get all injured in the process. It’s terrible to watch someone suffering like that. It really is. But you have to remind yourself that yourself you have your own life, own feelings, dreams, needs and aims and that you cannot turn into the satellite of a mental disorder. That can’t be. You become a slave to that thing. As much as I’m deeply wounded by that relationship the pain is worth it as finally, at least it’s my own pain, and my universe doesn’t revolve anymore into wondering in which mood that person will wake up today, and if it’s gonna to stay like that one day, one hour, a week or a month. Now I have agency in deciding how I manage being in pain. As much as you can be strong at the beginning and secure, everyone has their breaking point, even if there isn’t any violence involved. The pressure of someone else’s suffering is immense, and it throws a cover on your own issues and wounds and needs that get bigger and dustier.

But as I was saying what makes me at least okay with myself is that I did exhaust everything I could possibly do. So for me I know I have been more than decent. And it’s important to me. Now I also understand I didn’t ought anyone to be that way. It was my right and I could probably have avoided a lot of pain if I did accept I couldn’t do anything more earlier on. And if it wasn’t so catastrophic and actually hazardous I’d probably still be there because I would have taken more time to realize how doomed it was. It’s possible to remain in that kind of pain a very long time.

Anyway I know a case isn’t another, but the pain is alike. I hope you’ll find something in the words that help you at least to feel a little better. Not that just words change everything. But it changes something. You aren’t alone. I also hope she’ll find the help she needs. And that both of you can resume your own lives and heal. You deserve someone who can care and love with consistency.
 

Sam7787

New Here
Hi @Sam7787, it's a sad story and your wife really should be getting professional help, i e, at least a therapist. If she won't get professional help then that's her problem. You can only try so much before this problem just sucks the life out of you. Do you really want or need this in your life? I mean from what you've said "the words and accusations/ dating other people"! Maybe it's just time for you to cut your losses and move on to something else??
Thanks for the advice, means alot.

I very much agree with this. ^ Cutting the losses is exactly what is the most difficult ever. Because so far we’ve been doubling down. I’ve been stuck in a similar problem (not situation) with an ex who had diagnosed cptsd & bpd and now I think perhaps some form of osdd, anyway, I can’t tell for sure. He wasn’t getting help and everything was so, so out of hand. It made me loose my hair and worsen a cptsd that so far was managed. And I very know what’s the feeling of no-one-has-managed-but-I-will-get-through-our-love-will-be-stronger-than-this. Sad scoop, it isn’t. And the more you double down, the more difficult it gets to stop. Because somewhere in your brain it’s telling you then it means it was bad all the way long. Perhaps it wasn’t. Probably it was worth trying. But now you seem to have reached the end of what’s humanly possible to get her help. I came to think the best I could wish to happen to my ex was to be hospitalized—something I have (and had) exactly 0 power over. At the end it’s up to each individual to choose to get over their fear and put themselves on the paths to heal and live a decent life.

It is a very horrible form of heart break and we get all injured in the process. It’s terrible to watch someone suffering like that. It really is. But you have to remind yourself that yourself you have your own life, own feelings, dreams, needs and aims and that you cannot turn into the satellite of a mental disorder. That can’t be. You become a slave to that thing. As much as I’m deeply wounded by that relationship the pain is worth it as finally, at least it’s my own pain, and my universe doesn’t revolve anymore into wondering in which mood that person will wake up today, and if it’s gonna to stay like that one day, one hour, a week or a month. Now I have agency in deciding how I manage being in pain. As much as you can be strong at the beginning and secure, everyone has their breaking point, even if there isn’t any violence involved. The pressure of someone else’s suffering is immense, and it throws a cover on your own issues and wounds and needs that get bigger and dustier.

But as I was saying what makes me at least okay with myself is that I did exhaust everything I could possibly do. So for me I know I have been more than decent. And it’s important to me. Now I also understand I didn’t ought anyone to be that way. It was my right and I could probably have avoided a lot of pain if I did accept I couldn’t do anything more earlier on. And if it wasn’t so catastrophic and actually hazardous I’d probably still be there because I would have taken more time to realize how doomed it was. It’s possible to remain in that kind of pain a very long time.

Anyway I know a case isn’t another, but the pain is alike. I hope you’ll find something in the words that help you at least to feel a little better. Not that just words change everything. But it changes something. You aren’t alone. I also hope she’ll find the help she needs. And that both of you can resume your own lives and heal. You deserve someone who can care and love with consistency.
Thanks for the advice. Yes the pain is unbelievable. I find myself going mad because there's a very kind, caring woman underneath. She deserves better.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks for the advice. Yes the pain is unbelievable. I find myself going mad because there's a very kind, caring woman underneath. She deserves better.
a person has to want to get better though. Healing and getting better can take years. You have to ask yourself "how much longer are you prepared to go through this"? And what about YOU? Don't you deserve better?
 

Sam7787

New Here
a person has to want to get better though. Healing and getting better can take years. You have to ask yourself "how much longer are you prepared to go through this"? And what about YOU? Don't you deserve better?
To be honest she my everything. I would take all the pain I could if ment her getting better. But when I'm there she just don't remember anything. So continues to get mad at me over nothing and thinking it's me. I try to calm her and explain but it's no use. To make things worse two friends of hers who are police officers and a solicitor told her he was still in prison. Later that day she saw him in the town we live in!!!!! Then so did I later. Major mess up there! U cant even say his name without her being triggered! This as u can imagine set her off big time! she spent an hour screaming at me saying I was causing her stress?! And I don't care about her or my own 5yr son. Unfortunately I think ur right. She lost.

I must say it's a relief to hear other people go through this and I'm not going mad! I found myself doubting my own thoughts sometimes lol. 😕
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Really you have to bear in mind that what you could do, you did. Either she has a window of lucidity and she does something for herself, either she doesn't and there isn't anything you can do. Getting yourself all splintered isn't going to change an inch of this. Her suffering is her suffering. Your suffering will not help her suffer less. Humans have a sense of sacrifice but it's an emotional and logical fallacy. The only thing you have control on is you, the only pain you have some agency over is yours.

Sometimes people need to reach rock bottom to get better. And by rock bottom I mean real rock bottom. And placing yourself in the path of therapy when the condition is so severe might be something one has to do alone.

It doesn't mean that everything has been done in vain and that you cannot cherish the good moments. It's sad she isn't in a shape she can even help you with that. I understand how painful it feels. Deeply.

But please just be confident no one is somebody else's everything. Separations do hurt but it doesn't mean what has been before is meaningless neither that it forbids you having a future. As long as we're in pain this reasoning doesn't feel true but it is true. It might take some time but it's true. If I were you I think I'd send a message to her saying I just can't take it anymore and that I hope she'll get into therapy. That I love her but have reached my limit. That I'm sorry. That I'm going to temporarily block for X time (it's easier psychologically I found to block the person so you prevent yourself to try to contact them all the time, even if they did block you) and that after that period of time I'd be happy to have some news but politely and not another carousel tour. So you do things gradually. Nobody is talking about slamming doors. But gently closing and locking for a time might be something to consider for your own sanity. And having some support around you too and distract yourself.

Gentle hugs, if you accept.
 

Sam7787

New Here
Really you have to bear in mind that what you could do, you did. Either she has a window of lucidity and she does something for herself, either she doesn't and there isn't anything you can do. Getting yourself all splintered isn't going to change an inch of this. Her suffering is her suffering. Your suffering will not help her suffer less. Humans have a sense of sacrifice but it's an emotional and logical fallacy. The only thing you have control on is you, the only pain you have some agency over is yours.

Sometimes people need to reach rock bottom to get better. And by rock bottom I mean real rock bottom. And placing yourself in the path of therapy when the condition is so severe might be something one has to do alone.

It doesn't mean that everything has been done in vain and that you cannot cherish the good moments. It's sad she isn't in a shape she can even help you with that. I understand how painful it feels. Deeply.

But please just be confident no one is somebody else's everything. Separations do hurt but it doesn't mean what has been before is meaningless neither that it forbids you having a future. As long as we're in pain this reasoning doesn't feel true but it is true. It might take some time but it's true. If I were you I think I'd send a message to her saying I just can't take it anymore and that I hope she'll get into therapy. That I love her but have reached my limit. That I'm sorry. That I'm going to temporarily block for X time (it's easier psychologically I found to block the person so you prevent yourself to try to contact them all the time, even if they did block you) and that after that period of time I'd be happy to have some news but politely and not another carousel tour. So you do things gradually. Nobody is talking about slamming doors. But gently closing and locking for a time might be something to consider for your own sanity. And having some support around you too and distract yourself.

Gentle hugs, if you accept.
I know ur right. Thank you for ur help. It really means alot. I cannot tell u how much really.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
You can’t fix this. You also can’t defend yourself against things that are only real in her head. It sucks, and it hurts. You have to grieve the relationship. She’s messing with your head right now.

Some distance would be good for your mental health. Believe it or not, you can have a peaceful existence.
 
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Sam7787

New Here
Here's a second question just out of curiosity. Would my wife's memory ever come bk? Or would it be a permanent delete as such?
 
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