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Will i ever stop thinking about it?

Discussion in 'Childhood' started by Justme., May 16, 2018.

  1. Justme.

    Justme. Guest

    I feel like I will never get past this, every day something reminds me and then I dwell on it how do others stop thinking about it.

    My father is a disgusting pig of a man. I was scared to death of him so I did what he wanted.

    My mother had already left.

    At night I would be laying there knowing he was out with his drinking buddies, dreading him coming home, pretending to be asleep. Sometimes that worked and he would just pass out on the couch, I would hear him start snoring and could finally go to sleep myself. Sometimes I would hear a woman's voice with him and I would breath a sigh of relief.

    Other times it would be that sinking feeling as he comes to my bedroom door.
    Get up I need you to do my back.

    That meant rub his back with baby oil until he is ready to be masturbated then if I couldn't make him finish, his hand on the back of my head pushing me down.

    The nauseating smell of baby oil the feel of it on my hands the taste of it. I still can't stand it.

    Trying to make him finish to get it over with, letting him make me gag and that awful feeling when I think he's nearly done but he makes me stop. Making me prolong it so I have to start over.

    The worst was when he had been taking drugs. I wouldn't be able to make him finish. It would go on for hours until he would usually finish by throat f*cking me. Sometimes I thought I would die while he was doing it. I hate myself sometimes for complying with it. I would be laying there still trying to please him while he did that to me. It's hard to rationalize.

    The next day I would have bruises on my shoulders where he held me down and my throat hurt so bad I could barely swallow. He didn't care though. His selfishness had no boundaries.

    The last time he did that to me I was 19 I packed and sneaked out of the house when he was sleeping. By the time he realized I was really gone I was 500 miles away. That was ten years ago I have never spoken to him since. A relative recently told me he is dying and suggested I go see him. Ha.

    I couldn't care less. She doesn't know how many times as a child he was ramming his dick down my throat. She could have been talking about the weather for all I care. All I want is to wipe him and the things he did from my memory but I can't.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 16, 2018
    Freida, MrMoonlight and AliciaEff like this.
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  3. AliciaEff

    AliciaEff Active Member

    I am sorry you had those experiences and I am happy that you were able to leave safely. You owe that man nothing. He could be dying a slow and painful death that could be cured by you just texting him the word “hi” and you wouldn’t owe him that text. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself. You’re doing great.
    Freida and Searching4Self like this.
  4. Justme.

    Justme. Guest

    Probably outwardly I appear to be doing great but inside I am not. Sometimes I feel like my life revolves around this nasty little secret, people I work with might make a joke about incest or a comment about a child molester I instantly feel this wave of shame. Yeah I know, I have nothing to be ashamed of etc, I was the victim but I don't want to be a victim I don't want that label.
    I want to be like everyone else and people to say, oh she's the girl that works at ... or she's the girl that drives the blue truck, or she's the girl that lives on the corner.
    I dont want, oh she's the girl that was molested by her dad. She's the girl that was sucking his dick. I dont want that label I dont want those comments so I never told anyone.
    One time my Dad made me do it while one of his friends spent the night, he got up and walked down the hallway past the living room where the door was open. I was convinced he saw but he never said anything.
    I have recurring nightmares that people found out and everyone knows.
    Freida likes this.
  5. Copper Princess

    Copper Princess Active Member

    I am glad you were able to get away. I hope you continue to post here to get it out. You owe him nothing, no phone call, no explanation, no good bye or anything. You owe it to yourself to continue on your journey. I may have missed the answer to the question I am going to ask so please forgive me. Have been in any type of therapy? I have been in therapy and still think about the abuse often. You should be really proud of yourself for getting away and staying away.
    Freida and Searching4Self like this.
  6. Hopeforlife

    Hopeforlife Active Member

    I’m sorry you experience this. Thank you for sharing. You don’t owe him anything!
  7. Justmeee

    Justmeee Guest

    Copper Princess, No I never had therapy or told anyone in real life. I doubt I ever will.
    Copper Princess and Freida like this.
  8. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that. He is a monster - you are an innocent. You are not to blame.
    I get not wanting to talk to people and say the words, but as you wander around the site you will find that many, many of us fought that same fight. Getting it out of your system is like releasing poison. Therapy doesn't' mean you forget what happened, but that you can feel less pain when you think of it. It might be worth a look.....
    Copper Princess likes this.
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