Relationship Will I Hear From Her Again? Supporting Isolation

Status
Not open for further replies.
T

TryingToLearn

- Met a girl online & we immediately hit it off, had so much in common. I deploy for wildfire in May till Mid August which sucks. - Pandemic & her last three weeks of school delays us from meeting. We did virtual walks together with our phones, we would have night calls that lasted 3 to 4 hours, text about our days, we started bookclub on our favourite series.

- She eventually told me she has never felt this way before and it was a little scary, I said I felt the same. She told me Im amazing, she would never want to hang up - falling asleep on the phone. She said I calm her and she sleep better after our chats. She talked about visiting me at my base far away and what we will do after. She's sad we cant cuddle so we curl up in bed with our phones. All the cutesy stuff. We are both head over heels.

- During this she moves in with her mom and sister for a bit because her nearby grandmother lives with her aunt and cousin who have the virus and she wants to be close. - We are planning a social distancing hike with tea when all of a sudden I notice shes getting quieter and distant. I naturally assume its a loss of interest. She tells me she feels sick. Later she tells me she has anxiety and is feeling overwhelmed with everything in her life and sometimes shutsdown and needs to be alone. Its not me and shes scared of losing me over this. She has so many life changes right now, tasks to do, work and school. She also nervous of seeing me and all the complications distancing brings.

- I leave her be and on Saturday she says thanks and shes feeling alot better. She says lets go to the beach Monday and have a tea.

- She still seems distant despite 'feeling better'. At the beach she is quieter than usual. She tells me her and her sister thought they may have CPTSD. She brings up feeling guilty we are out right now. She tells me after an hour shes not doing well with this and should go home. I ask if its me and she says no but shes feeling a lot of pressure. I told her theres no pressure with me.

- She goes home and texts me "I know I've said this before, but I'm feeling super overwhelmed with everything. And I know you havent meant to make me feel like there are expectations on me, but I feel them. Like good morning texts and good night calls and staying in contact everyday. I'm not equipped to do that right now. And I know you mean well, but offering me things like facilitating writing my books is too much too fast for me. I really do think that's such an amazing thing to offer but it's too much. I know we've talked on the phone but I barely know you. I need to feel like I'm able to do what I need without having to take you into consideration. I need to take a step back."

- I'm shocked because she is the one saying good morning and good night to me, I didnt ask her to. She always said she feels so close to me and now its she barely knows me? Her book thing was me knowing an illustrator which made her call me "The most amazing supportive person" she knows over weeks two ago now it's too much? Does this show she is overwhelmed with life and anything extra is too big and too much?

- I havent heard from her since Monday and I don't know what to do? How did she go from head over heels to that message? It doesnt sound like her. I may be reading it as worse. Is she just saying she cant be around anyone. I get the impression she wasnt better like she said.

Does getting overwhelmed and needing to isolate really bring you down this much? I didnt see a sign of this these past few months. She was so happy and positive. Should I really not take it personal and still believe she wants to be with me? Im sick and cant sleep well. Do I just wait? It doesnt sound like shes scared of losing me. I miss her.
 

RubyBlue

Policy Enforcement
From a sufferer standpoint- right now is a super overwhelming time in general and I know a lot of us have isolated way more than just the normal isolation. With her mentioning about just learning about possibly having CPTSD- that can bring up so many overwhelming emotions and memories and just be an entire job in itself. I think she has done an awesome job of communicating with you about what she’s feeling and I really hope you do understand that this isn’t because of you. The feeling pressure to stay in contact isn’t something you are forcing but I guarantee she’s trying to force herself into it to maintain normalcy but right now normal just isn’t an option. If I were you, I wouldn’t wait in the sense of pining for her and turning down other opportunities with people, that gets into codependency and can be unhealthy. I would just take a step back yourself and focus on you while allowing her to focus on her and when she’s ready she will come around. Right now is just so intense for a lot of reasons and she seems to have some extra stress happening so I definitely get where she’s coming from and it’s not you at all.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I know we've talked on the phone but I barely know you. I need to feel like I'm able to do what I need without having to take you into consideration. I need to take a step back
This is all about her - and it's good she's being honest. It's a change you had no warning of, but people do that sometimes.
I havent heard from her since Monday and I don't know what to do? How did she go from head over heels to that message? It doesnt sound like her.
I think it doesn't sound like her because the woman you have been texting/chatting/virtual-dating for the last few months is just one facet of who she is. All people have different sides to them - some more than others.

Sometimes in relationships, you're not getting to know all the different sides of the person, the different "modes" they operate in. She might be (sounds like) someone who really loves the falling in love phase, but then as more time goes by and things start coming down to earth, she panics.

In psychology terms, that would be known as an attachment issue (there are different types). Individuals with CPTSD are quite likely to have attachment issues, it's part of the nature of the disorder.

Should I really not take it personal and still believe she wants to be with me? I
I think you should hear what she's saying - which is that she is taking a step back. If we go back to this quote:
I know we've talked on the phone but I barely know you. I need to feel like I'm able to do what I need without having to take you into consideration. I need to take a step back
She's the one taking you into consideration and getting overwhelmed - that doesn't mean that YOU are causing her to be overwhelmed, it's all to do with her behavior, nothing to do with yours. Which means, theres nothing you can actually do to change the situation.
did you see her in real life too?
I don't think they did - which would be another reason for OP to take a deep breath and move on with his life, I think...
 

Mytime

MyPTSD Pro
She has a lot going on. She’s back living with her mother and sister, which can be hard. She has relatives sick with the virus, which is crazy in its self. If she had contact with them would add stress, wondering if she could have it. I guess you have 2 choices, give her the gift of space with no expectations of a relationship or friendship. Or move forward with your life and start dating. I’m not down playing your hurt or confusion by any means. I can feel your hurting deeply and I sorry you have to go through it. But you only have control over you and if you can’t give her the space she needs, she’ll only push you farther away. It may help to do research on CPTSD and make a decision from there. Read around the forum on both sides.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top