I am not sure if I am doing this forum thing correctly...but here it goes. First off, I am struggling with the term or accepting the diagnoses of PTSD. I feel uncomfortable and that it is too early in my career (8-9 years EMS) personally, so I generally use the term "burn out." It took me a year and a half to say something to my family about it. Normal? It has been a difficult time as I always have avoidance and self-sabotage rear it's ugly head during crucial assessments resulting in delayed diagnoses and the proper help. But despite that, it is coming to the realization that it did not matter because what the government told us was there for first responders in reality only exists on paper. I know I should not expect things from others, and it was hard to take the step. My work had observed over the years and pointed out my decline encouraging me to seek this non-existent help. I have and am seeing a small handful of friends who somehow got through the system for help initially and should therefore, as per the system have continued access when needed. Only they are given a huge runaround and then denied on relapsing. It breaks my ❤️ watching their lives continue to fall apart more from all the emotions, the disappointment, and the financial struggles just to name a few. I keep being told there is hope and I want to believe it. Despite being denied (was deemed invalid) the government benefits/ treatment program in my area, they gave my employer restrictions preventing me being able to work. Slowly, I have come to feeling of abandonment because no one can answer questions or will return info of what they need so I can maybe work to pays bills/treatment or have something feel normal. Or just to have someone call me from work asking how I am would mean so much! Now, I am just at the point of constantly not knowing what I am feeling or living In a dream. Before I'd only experienced period of things/ life being weird like a dream/ surreal. I am neither depressed, happy or worried even though I know I have a lot to be concerned with - selling belongings to make rent. There continues to be nothing and soon I will have nothing. The only thing I can hope for is that somehow my rocky path will help someone or the system to fix its flaws. Do others have tips or similar experiences?