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Will it help to tell someone?

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by confusedgirl111111, Apr 15, 2018.

    1 year ago I was assaulted. I didn’t even know that what happened to me was considered assault until I started college and they had a presentation about rape, assault, etc. for all incoming freshman. To be honest I really don’t think about it often unless I’m drinking. Whenever I drink though, it’s all I can think about and it makes me freak out and cry. Last weekend was the first time I told one of my friends (I was drunk) and I asked her to never bring it up again.

    Anyways, I was 17 and a senior in high school when I was assaulted. I went to a smaller party with my close friends and we went to a boy’s house I didn’t know that well. I was drinking and I got too drunk (can’t remember some stuff). When my assault happened I was outside and it was just me and the boy who assaulted me. One of my friends wanted to hook up with him but was too scared to ask him herself so that’s why I was out there with him (he was sober). I can remember talking with him and then all of a sudden I was on my knees and giving him head. I know for a fact I never consented to this. First, my friend wanted to hook up with him NOT me. Second, I was blackout drunk and not able to give consent and could barely walk/talk. His friend walked out on us and told him to stop but the boy never did. I can barely remember it happening; I can remember the beginning, his friend walking out, and him finishing and just leaving me there.

    Everyone at the party found out and I was mortified. I honestly thought that he did nothing wrong for 5 months of my life and nobody told me any differently. My friend who had wanted to hook up with him didn’t talk to me for a month afterwards (we have drifted apart recently). I brought it up to his friend a couple weeks ago (drunk) and asked him why he didn’t try harder to stop it. His friend told me to drop it. Lately it’s all I can think about, I don’t understand what happened to me and why it’s only impacting me so much recently and when I drink. Since my assault, I have had sex and hooked up with a few guys (only sober bc I am scared to when I’m drunk for some reason). However, the thought of doing anything with a boy has made me feel uncomfortable lately.

    I want so badly to tell someone what happened to me and I feel like this might give me a little bit of closure. To this day my assault still doesn’t feel real for two reasons. One, I can’t fully remember it and two, everyone who knows just doesn’t seem to care. I want help understanding why this happened to me and I just want someone to listen to me and not tell me that I’m being dramatic or tell me to simply “drop it.”

    Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read this.
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  2. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    I urge you to seek out counseling.

    Sadly, the response of the people around you is not uncommon. This is why it’s important to seek out help from a trained professional.

    At this stage of the game, telling someone might help, but I doubt it’s going to give you the closure you’re looking for.

    Sietz and Fadeaway like this.
  3. Fadeaway

    Fadeaway I'm a VIP Donated

    This is the place to share your story. You are heard,belived and understood. You aren't being dramatic, what you experienced was traumatic.
    Sietz, Freida and Sweetleaf like this.
  4. Sietz

    Sietz Active Member

    I agree that you should seek counselling. Your disbelief and guilt comes from not processing the abuse, it was abuse and it's not your fault.

    I'm sorry this happened to you.
  5. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

    I note you say you engage in sexual activity sober now; personally, I think that's wise and NOT a failing! I think its prudent to stay able yo be responsible and in a position to consent or not when we drink too. I am NOT saying drunkenness excuses violation. Not one bit. I am saying, you are taking care of yourself in a sensible manner you should be proud of.
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