Sexual Assault Will the Anger and Sadness Ever End?


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Lately during therapy that I go to 5 days a week for 3.5 hours, and when I am asked in the beginning of group therapy how I am feeling, I always feel like I do not know what to say. Sometimes when I explain myself I cannot even finish a whole sentence or I go sideways upside down up and down, this is when I am talking in person of course. There is just so much and I do not know how to physically communicate it to other people, but I can write all my feelings.

I feel so f*cking angry at the person that did something so horrible to me I don't think it would be allowed on here I do not know. Maybe soon I will end up writing in a post what happened to me so I can finally let it all out. But I want the person that took everything from me, I want to see him in his grave.

I have always matched being disrespected with anger, and I feel so much wrath and rage. It consumed me at one point where I could not function in society, but it is just there and I do not know what to do with it. I know that holding onto anger and this rage and desire to watch everyone that has ever hurt me to burn.

Though there are people that have burned me that are stuck with me for life technically. My parents are emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive and manipulative. From their abuse I developed borderline personality disorder and no one gets it.

I have lost so many people in my life, I did things that were hurtful when I was hurt, when I was at one of my two lowest points in my life, I was left at both.

It's like I am pushing but feel like I am also failing. The song that I am listening to right now makes me envision my emotional psychological state. It's like I am tied to a rock at a bottom of a lake and I won't stop swimming up, and even that does not pinpoint how I feel. I"m so curious on how I would feel if I watched those evil people that crossed me burn in hell. Iv'e been to psychological hell, it's dark, wet, and cold. It is so big and just feels like you will never be able to escape from it.

As I go forward in my treatment process, I am slowly moving in the direction of leaving my psychological hell. It is settling down and though I know that progress takes time; I am someone that is also a drug addict, and I desire instant gratification. The urge to text someone about pills or cocaine is strong sometimes, but I relapsed on cocaine the morning of my trauma early December. It has not been that long since it happened and flashbacks of it happens everyday. The parts that I do remember because I was completely incoherently intoxicated with alcohol. So I guess that in itself is relapsing.

I started to attend an online narcotics anonymous meeting 4 days a week and it was really nice. I have not been back because I am having a very hard time making myself stop smoking pot. It makes me not shake and be so f*cking anxious. It almost gives me that warm feeling and comfort. Harder drugs give me that times 10, but I don't know. I am letting my addiction out right now and my bpd and addiction talk to each other I swear. They really just tell me to indulge in self destruction and tell me it will feel so god damn good. But I know then I am filled with sadness later. But I feel that way even when I am sober. But it is definitely true, getting clean is harder than staying clean.

If you read through my rant, honestly thank you and if I wasted your time I apologize. If anyone just wants to have a daily ongoing conversation to this thread I am down for it. I want to keep trialing out this website and the feedback I have gotten and what is talked about is helping me cope in a way if that makes sense.
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i doesn't know but i does believe that anger and sadness are a hard-wired part of the human condition. i don't believe there is a cure for the common me. just believing.

however, there are quite allot of ways to keep anger and sadness from dominating our lives. anger channeling is my most effective tool for managing the anger. i use grief processing to channel my sadness. the anger and sadness are still there but in more manageable proportions.

i consider most of the cruelty which bring us together in this forum is well worthy of both anger and sadness. i don't think i'd like myself much if it didn't both piss me off AND make me want to cry. just my humble opinion. . . i also opine that a life dominated by anger and sadness isn't much of a life. we can have our honesty and the full emotional experience, too.