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Winning the war against shame - is it really possible?

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Hay MD,

You know, I was on 300mg of heavy duty anti psychotics for years. I have been medication free for the last 4 months. There is no shame in taking medication, it is there to ease the anxiety so we can get the best out of therapy, it is not permanent and I seriously needed the massive dose to get by. I felt no shame in taking the higher dose, I was disappointed I had not progressed, but it worked out in the end. I am 1000% better than the day they told me they needed to give me a massive dose, and I am med free now. This is possible for you too.

I have to agree with everyone else on the work front. If you have something to look forward to or a goal you can achieve along the way, it helps a lot. I did a Masters degree because I can't work. There is no shame in not working or in working, but if you choose not to work, then I highly recommend taking a short course (like art, music or photography or a college, or open uni short course that you find interesting). Some you can do online at your own pace and some where you can get out of the house at least once a week.

I was told that maybe I shouldn't do my Masters as it was stressful and although I took it slow, and sometimes only did one course at a time (my own choice) and took the occasional holiday, I needed something non PTSD related in my life to look forward to and I needed a non PTSD goal. The PTSD can be very all consuming.

No matter what your T and others say, you are in control of your life, and not them, so you make the decisions for you.

There is no shame in taking serious meds, and there is a way back from that to be completely med free (I'm your proof). But, you need to be in control of your life. If you want to work or want to take a break, then I support you 1000%, but only if you are making this decision for yourself.

I also agree with Gizmo about EMDR. If this has not yet been part of your CBT program, perhaps it is time to ask about it.

I see myself in you. You will get through this MD, you are a survivor. xxoo
 
I think that in that vulnerability lies the key to finding a way out.

I agree. In my experience, falling apart is what healing looks like (at some stages). It seems from here that the reason you're feeling like this now is because you're facing and processing things now.

Do you think your inner voice is trying to protect you? I've found that parts of me (I don't mean alters, just different elements of how I think and feel) have actually been doing me a service by pushing me to keep functioning in the world. Even shame has been a survival tactic to keep me from complete isolation, shutting down or giving up. I have different coping techniques now (therapy etc) but the blame/shame parts have been bullying me to keep going for so long it's hard to change them. It does help me to see that my critical inner voice isn't always an enemy. In my upside-down world, it's been trying to keep me from disappearing. I just need to persuade it that other things and people are doing that job now.

Thinking of you, Maddog.
 
Hashi, how does shame 'keep you' from isolating?

Like Maddog, I find it hard to say I'm just not up to meeting. To be honest, I haven't been up to meeting anyone for the last five or six years. If I could say "Sorry, not going" and not worry about it, then I honestly think I wouldn't have seen anyone socially in all that time, and that wouldn't have been good for me overall. Sometimes I make up an excuse, but shame (worrying what people will think of my excuses and of me isolating myself) forces me out to be with people now and again.

Shame stops me from ringing in sick to work, which I desperately want to do about four days out of five. I'd feel too ashamed of forever backing out, making my colleagues pick up my work, when I can make myself go in.

Shame makes me clean my flat occasionally, instead of leaving it altogether, because sometimes people come in and see it. Also, I had a neighbour who passed away unexpectedly, and everyone found out she'd been living in horrible squalor. Thinking about the shame if that was me - which it easily could be - makes me keep on the right side of messy/dirty... just.

Things like that. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with not being able to meet someone, or living in a messy place, or having to take time off work. There are plenty of times I can't manage anything else. But when I'm just capable of pushing myself to to do something and I do it, it's usually shame that makes me. I feel like it's been keeping my head above water with a lot of things. Does that make sense?
 
Do you think your inner voice is trying to protect you? I've found that parts of me (I don't mean alters, just different elements of how I think and feel) have actually been doing me a service by pushing me to keep functioning in the world. Even shame has been a survival tactic to keep me from complete isolation, shutting down or giving up. I have different coping techniques now (therapy etc) but the blame/shame parts have been bullying me to keep going for so long it's hard to change them. It does help me to see that my critical inner voice isn't always an enemy. In my upside-down world, it's been trying to keep me from disappearing. I just need to persuade it that other things and people are doing that job now.

God, Hashi, I wanted to scream from the rooftops with relief and validation to read what you wrote above, and in your followup post of examples too. This is absolutely and utterly how it is for me, perhaps one of the truest and deepest keys to understanding, and perhaps tackling, my shame.

It seems wrong on so many levels to accept that something so destructive and toxic is actually a survival tool, a coping mechanism and a quality which has actually been very adaptive for a long period of time. As a child it no doubt helped me to submit and comply with the regiment I was forced to live on, and so ultimately it may have protected me from some of the punishment, both literal and internal, that would have resulted had I fought against what was being done to me.

Fast forward to adulthood and parts of that same logic still apply, but on a practical level, as you describe, the shame has kept me functioning, pushing forward, and has, through its translation into fierce perfectionism and unyielding high standards, helped me to achieve. I think it was a key ingredient in the coping "shell" that held me together all those years, and even now that that shell is largely destroyed, shame keeps me engaging as you say.

Fear of failure, which is closely linked, drives me to keep going forward when I would really rather not, and this isn't always a bad thing, or at least not something to be... dare I say it... ashamed of.

As you say, the challenge is in learning that there are other ways of psychologically interacting with myself and my world, other ways to motivate myself, other tools to help myself keep going. But just as the old saying says, sometimes it's safest to keep my friends close and my enemy, in this case the shame, even closer.

I'm working on it, i really am. Thanks so much for so concisely (unlike me) and eloquently saying what I couldn't.

Maddog
 
For me, that might be guilt (that acts as the same impetus)...... not wanting to hurt others' feelings, that acts as motivation for me.

I agree JB. These things are probably guilt for me too. I feel guilty if the house isn't clean and hubby doesn't have a work shirt. I also used to (still do really but a little better than it used to be) think that if my house is sorted 'perfectly' (almost in an OCD way) then people will be less critical of me - which is not true logic and makes me a ' unsuccessful perfectionist' of house work. That causes me more stress and is unhealthy. So I can get stressed with my 'unhealthy perfectionism' around this one.

I feel guilty when he works so hard and I hurt him because of my inability to cope with just these everyday stresses. That motivates me to try to care less about the 'polish' of the house at the expense of our happiness and harmony. To me, that is maybe an example of guilt applied as a positive motivation.

I feel guilty about not being able to work, but I feel shame that I am not able to be financially independent. That is because the shame comes from my core beliefs of 'value' and 'worth', even though my hubby and I get by. So, that is unrealistic guilt maybe?

I also feel guilt about having a mental illness, and shame that the memories and fear that has stopped me from working - my core belief of not being 'stronger' than super woman and spider man combined. I shouldn't feel ashamed that I am broken, because of my many successes. But, mostly, my shame comes from the content of my memories themselves.

Some guilt pushes and motivates me to try hard, just as it has helped me to work on myself to get where I am, but can become unhealthy if our expectations are so high we can't see how many successes we have really, logically had.

I think, it has to do with directing the guilt to the appropriate cause? Like a strategic boxing match, you work out how to beat your opponent with planning first, and you pick your fights and which hook to swing. So, we can direct the motivational use of guilt and shame to those battles worth winning - our fight to heal is worth it - but we need to see the big picture and what has worked, and is working so that we can continue in a positive direction..... But seeing my reflection in the carpet isn't a good use of the motivation when a once over will do, because my house guests are 'unlikely' to spot a bread crumb, and if they do, then its a reflection on them and not me.

I don't know if that makes sense, it can become very messy in my head. I am still working on these things so I imagine I just went around in one giant circle. I am sure there is a point in there somewhere.

Well said Hashi. It can be a motivation to help us do what we need to do...I add though, as long as it is directed at the appropriate thing, with the appropriate amount of stress.
 
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