Wish I could stop remembering

Brume

New Here
I've been in therapy since I was 12, and I'm 32 now. I've done a lot of work on my traumas, and I know that I've made a lot of progress. But it's feeling like the more work I do to process my trauma, feel my feelings, and make my brain a safe place to live, the more memories I recover of horrific things that happened to me in my upbringing. I know that this is a sign that it's becoming safe/r to remember them, and that's a good thing. But holy shit it's so overwhelming to remember all of this. I feel like I know too much of my upbringing, like it was better when the trauma was a vague Knowing that didn't have any details. Before I remembered I didn't have sensory flashbacks like I do now, I didn't dream about it or get reminded of this category of my traumas on a daily basis. I used to think that the worst thing that had happened to me was marrying someone who later threatened to kill me. But now it feels like that's more of a "minor" trauma compared to the things I've remembered in the last ~2 years.
I know I can't undo what happened to me, but I really wish I could unremember it all.
 

Friday

Moderator
All of my trauma was in my adulthood… I never forgot, but I put it in a box in my mind that I NEVER opened. When something threatened to open it? I left. Walked out of the room, the lecture hall, the theatre, the conversation, anything/anywhere… just walked away. For about a decade. Took me several years to compartmentalise it in the first place, and that was a chapter in my life I believed I was completely done with.

Until new trauma, stress, & loss of coping mechanisms kicked with box wide open. And for a few years? I couldn’t stop remembering. THOUSANDS of traumas all flooding out at once. Also all the good memories locked away with those traumas.

For a long time? ALL I wanted, was my box back. And I fought like hell for it. But when I wasn’t being drowned by my memories & flashbacks? I was also more “me” than I had been, in a long time. Just glimpses, of who I could be if I actually had ACCESS to that box, the same way I have access to every other box/chapter of my life.

So I got a little stubborn about it, and if I HAD to remember all the bad? I’d be damned if I’d lose the good, and the parts of myself that make me more “me”, in the process. This time.

It’s not wholly sorted, yet, and I don’t know if it ever will be.

I DO know I unf*cked my head & my life once, so I know I can do it, again. Just trying it a bit differently, this time. We’ll see. Locked away might be my best option. Or maybe I can keep what I want, and discard what I don’t. We’ll see.


I ALSO know that it used to be 20+ hours a day, and rendered me completely to near completely nonfunctional. And today? It’s a couple/few hours most days, and I’m mostly functional. So there’s improvement in spades.
 

MaplePancake

Learning
I didn’t have childhood trauma per se so I almost feel like I am high jacking this thread a bit. I had depression and pretty severe social anxiety starting as a young teen and it lasted for around three years before i received any professional help. My mother was emotionally unsupportive and quite frankly even verbally nasty a few times during those three years. I struggled enough without that. But I didn’t really realize how screwy my relationship with her was until I became a parent.
 

helbredelse

Learning
I can understand that. My trauma goes back to my early childhood. Some of my earliest memories are from trauma. I'm in my 40s and have been through a lot of trauma. I had more trauma this last July and the flashbacks/nightmares/etc. keep coming. Since then, a lot of past traumatic events have been resurfacing. Logically, I know my body feels its safe enough to finally process this stuff. It does feel very overwhelming at times. I had to start a "burn journal" for the really bad stuff that comes up so I can get it out without putting it in my normal journal. There are times I've had to compartmentalize stuff and make notes to let my therapist know what horrible stuff is coming up. There are times when I just don't want to remember it anymore. I don't want the memories or feelings to surface. I just want to wave a magic wand and make it all go "poof" so I can live my life. Problem is that I know there isn't a magic wand. That I have to process it or it will just keep resurfacing. Those are the times when I try to be extra gentle with myself and remind myself that it is hard. It is overwhelming at times and it's okay to feel that way.
 
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