Wish I didn’t need therapy

RNrecovery

Learning
I posted here recently about having a relapse of PTSD after this last year. I am so grateful for the responses.

I had therapy when I was young and it served me well. I didn’t feel the need for 20yrs. Back then it was more cognitive and DBT. It was a life changer and why I am so successful today.

I came back to therapy shortly before Covid and ended up sticking with it. I am a nurse in a high stress role. I also lost three family members in short succession. I dropped out of therapy here and there but by fall of 2020 I settled into a routine and almost never miss an appointment. She’s a fantastic fit for what I need at this stage in my life. I already had a great marriage but I’ve realized how much I avoided being emotionally taken care of. I focused on being strong and managing my emotions at all times. I worked hard to have stable friends and wanted to be that rock everyone could turn to. Therapy has helped me be a much better partner.

Last year I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I needed to let people in to support me. And I needed help managing the return of flashbacks. I am currently seeing my therapist two times per week. I hate that I need it, I know I could function without it. But with work stress it gets me through.

Lately work stress is getting back to normal. I was feeling hopeful that I could get back to my usual calm self. I had to cancel a session last week (work meetings) and was nervous but glad that things seemed to be going well. Now my cat has been in the hospital and my horse may need to be put down. Work stress that we thought was resolved also came back up.

Next week I have a vet appt I can’t change and asked my therapist if I can reschedule rather than cancel next week. I feel so silly and weak for not being able to just cancel it. But I know having sick animals and dealing with more COVID related stress is going to make it. A hard week.

I just wanted to vent. I’m wish PTSD didn’t pop in to make already difficult situations feel untenable. I wish I didn’t need therapy. I dealt with so much stress just fine without it. I didn’t need therapy after the murder suicide death of my parents. And now I feel like I’ll melt down over sock animals.
 

StillPen

Confident
@RNrecovery , thank you for posting. I had a similar trauma, not with my parents, but their best friends, amongst other trauma. I worked all through may adult life to be 'normal' or high-functioning and did well for many years. A few years back, too much life stress and boom, the PTSD symptoms hit hard. Flashbacks, emotional meltdowns, dissociation, among others. I could barely wash a load of laundry, now I can barely work an hour or two a day. I have to see my T twice a week. I tried for a while to see her once a week, but one additional stressor and it was overload for me so back I went. I fight daily with not wanting what I have, with wanting to get back to my 'normal' self...a full time job, juggling a busy schedule, family, activities, etc. I don't mind quite so much that I need therapy as some of my trauma was through my whole childhood so there's just a lot to process. I hope you find a place of acceptance and know you are not alone.
 
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