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Withdrawing from / avoiding relationships..

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My biggest avoidance feature is by far relationships.

I don't feel able to trust people, it's like I'm waiting for some form of abuse to manifest at any given moment. Even though I'm aware of this it doesn't make it any easier to want to make friends.. I would like people to hang with but the desire not to be hurt once more is greater.

I'm at a bit of a loss where to turn.. my parents abuse me when I'm at my most vulnerable, as have mental health professionals.. Each blow feels like another 'I told you so'.. It kills me after each time I put myself back together and brave the unknown again. I can never seem to get any traction to shoulder shrug the negative comments of others.

Do others here with PTSD/CPTSD experience such difficulties?

I often feel guilty for not trying hard enough, I feel I'm making all these excuses up to avoid interactions and being hurt..

Does anyone here have advice how to get through this difficulty of:

a) Reward/risk ratio to making friends while suffering with CPTSD? What made it easier for you?
b) or Stories of successful developments in outlook towards people and relationships?

Thanks
 
I didn’t have any RL friends for years. I had a few online friends but that was it.

Forming friendships was easier with people who “get it”, meaning those who have their own struggles. I don’t have to worry about being judged or dropped because my symptoms are spiking and I just can’t be there for them.
 
Do others here with PTSD/CPTSD experience such difficulties?

Well I do... Insert..I have had these same problems.

I don't feel able to trust people,

Yes trust - bloody trust - it is so hard to even walk around the periphery of that word and not turn away. I too have been 'disappointed' by too many people.

I think that you could work on building up your resilience and managing your own emotions (not saying you are not) but it helps if you have good solid concepts of who you are and what you are trying to do and know your boundaries.

There isn't any fail proof method of testing out other people's integrity and certainly no guarantee that you will not be subject to lies, deception etc., But there is nothing inherently in you that attracts that sort of person either.. I assume you have looked at this possibility and worked through it.

So therefore it is possible to establish and maintain healthy relationships with other people according to how you would like to proceed.

Generally if you look at people engaging in healthy activities. You should find generally healthy people. But this isn't always the case.:cautious:
But it's a good place to start...

So then it returns to you..what do you like to do that is a healthy? This could be anything from parachuting to knitting. See who around you is doing that kind of thing and see if you can engage. This is the point where you make the 'leap of faith'. If you land on your feet great! If you land on your ass...this is where the 'resilience bank' comes in handy. It's not necessarily your fault if it doesn't work out. You have to remember that. People do let you down. That doesn't mean you lower your standards or fall apart completely. Easier said than done I know. :banghead:

Another way to engage or re-engage is if you have a friend (animal or person) that can lead the way. So you can work from a position of distant observation on who appears to be ok. But it is all guess work and nobody comes tagged with a label with guarantees.

I'm working mostly on my resilience right now and this is very hard. I feel very naked in this furious paced world much of the time. I really avoid conflict at almost all costs but I do have boundaries all the same. At times I'd like to bring those boundaries forward a little and divert possible problems but I am concerned it is just another impenetrable wall rather than a healthy boundary. Idk if I am making any sense.:sorry:

I put myself back together and brave the unknown again.

Yes I do this. At the very least you are putting yourself back together again rather than being decimated and not even trying. You are braving the unknown and if you are looking in the right direction eventually you should encounter some decent people that are willing to engage with you as friends. But be prepared to discard a lot. I'm sorry I sound cynical - just me speaking from my own experience.

often feel guilty for not trying hard enough

No..don't feel guilty. It doesn't help. You are working on this by considering this problem and reaching out and asking. That is a good start.

I think that people (generally) think that making friends is really easy. Well no..it's not. That is a lie. Acquaintances - yes easy but I'm assuming you mean people that you can care about and who care about you. Entirely different type of relationship. And that is for people who have not have any mental health issues. Add in cptsd or ptsd and things get very much more difficult again. :hug:
 
a) Reward/risk ratio to making friends while suffering with CPTSD? What made it easier for you?
b) or Stories of successful developments in outlook towards people and relationships?

I’m pretty much the exact opposite of you... I don’t want other people to trust ME.

That said, it’s pretty much the same end result.

There’s an interim place you’re skipping between isolating/avoiding relationships & friendships.

It’s simply enjoying people.

Not trusting them, not confiding in them, not putting yourself in situations that engender responsibility on either side of the line. It’s quite simply spending time with people, getting to know them, and enjoying their presence / that process.

You’re not friends. You don’t have a relationship with them. You’re acquaintances at most. Colleagues. Teammates. 2 people having a drink at a bar. There’s no commitment. They have zero zip zilch say in your life, and you have equally no say in their lives.

The people you ACTUALLY enjoy the most? You might consider making friends with, later... if that enjoyment progresses onward to respect. If not? Shrug. No worries.
 
Emotional intimacy = danger for me so that's a tricky one. Not sure I have answers for you. Anthony said something a while back which was useful. I tend to be hyperalert to signs of peoples lack of trustworthiness. Still am really. He said something about holding people to unrealistic expectations of behavior. That it needs to be seen in greys. Within normal behaviour of course. A previous therapist said to trust is a choice and after swallowing that whole and attempting to live that out I can say , no. The willingness to attempt to may be though. Hope you find some clarity.
 
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