Witnessed a traumatic incident with no support.

Hi. This is my third post because I’m in an overwhelming place and needing support with several things that are coming up. Thanks for being here.

I have been stressed at work because “no one is stepping up” and really had to take ownership of where that came from.

I witnessed my childhood best friend’s accidental death and I was too young as well as later understanding neurodivergent to understand what was happening so I didn’t get help that could have saved her. Obviously, there was and still self blame for this, despite having met incredible other survivors of trauma.

My parents are amazing people, who haven’t processed their own trauma, so they couldn’t process mine. After one therapy session, I said I was fine. They didn’t push back. I’m angry about this and have healed as far as not yelling at them for “being weak” when I was in the throes of alcohol abuse about 5 years ago.

Another incident was when I was 19 (I was 11 at the time of the trauma) and woke them up to comfort me when I had adult realizations about the impact. My mom kept sleeping, asking my dad to talk to me. My dad suggested I get a job to take my mind off the trauma (in his defense, he didn’t say it in a rude way and his way of coping with his own depression & anxiety is being a workaholic).

Due to developmental stuff, I didn’t process a lot until my 30s and I’m wanting my 40s to be less heavy. As I mentioned, I’ve been really lucky in that I met sooo many peers and even got to work in mental health advocacy with like minds for a decade.

Still, I found that I was in “advocate” space and “stand up for everyone but me” mentality for so long, I’m just now learning how to face my pain, without unhealthy numbing.

I’ve written in my other posts that I don’t like advice and for this one, I’m open to gentle recommendations *if* someone really gets this space. If not, just your hearing me and witnessing my current situation means the world.

Much love to everyone. 💫💫✨
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
Something occurred when I was young, I spent a lifetime both blaming myself for not intervening and speaking up, and the other side of the coin looking for proof it wasn't what it actually was. I know from lived experience it was what I knew it was, or at least I'll say I feel very confident despite what I wish. I didn't reveal it and didn't have support.

I would say that at one point feeling a bit of compassion for myself (as I would anyone, esp that age) was a turning point, and also over a decade of being reinforced nothing I could have done would have changed it. And saying/ learning some of why I likely didn't speak up. And just being able to ask for other's perspectives.

Funny how life can be altered in the flash of an eye.

I am very sorry for the loss of your friend and the circumstances. I hope what I said is not triggering for you. Welcome to you.
 
Something occurred when I was young, I spent a lifetime both blaming myself for not intervening and speaking up, and the other side of the coin looking for proof it wasn't what it actually was. I know from lived experience it was what I knew it was, or at least I'll say I feel very confident despite what I wish. I didn't reveal it and didn't have support.

I would say that at one point feeling a bit of compassion for myself (as I would anyone, esp that age) was a turning point, and also over a decade of being reinforced nothing I could have done would have changed it. And saying/ learning some of why I likely didn't speak up. And just being able to ask for other's perspectives.

Funny how life can be altered in the flash of an eye.

I am very sorry for the loss of your friend and the circumstances. I hope what I said is not triggering for you. Welcome to you.
Thanks so much for your candid response. It registered about the various perspectives and appreciate all your time & care in the response. ❤️💫
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
Due to developmental stuff, I didn’t process a lot until my 30s and I’m wanting my 40s to be less heavy.

I don't really have any suggestions or advice, but this resonated with me a lot. I had RAD as a kid && it definitely developmentally delayed me. I didn't start school until I was 6 because I wasn't learning to speak correctly bc I had been so physically isolated for my infancy.

At 31 years old I'm only just now beginning to feel emotions of any kind. I often feel like I've been cocooning this whole time && only within the past year have I been able to emerge as a semi-coherent butterfly.

The closest thing to a suggestion that I have would merely be to describe what has helped me: slowly and steadily learning to treat myself with compassion and respect, && changing the language I use to describe myself from being overly judgmental & cruel.

The upside of this, is that I've found in doing so I've been much better at exercising empathy for others (an area I've struggled with all my life.)
 

Friday

Moderator
Still, I found that I was in “advocate” space and “stand up for everyone but me” mentality for so long
I had to get into abusive relationships to learn to stand up for myself the same way, much less any stronger / far more my right to, than I would stand up for others.

NOT my recommended course of action.

But until I was forced to stand up for myself repeated times of day? I’d go to the mat for anyone, who wasn’t me.

I expect there are faaaar healthier & more vibrant aspects in life to teach that skill, than making the mistake of falling in love with an asshole.
 
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