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Relationship Won’t let me go

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Gymfanatic

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Hi there,

I was on this site around 2 and a half years ago as I was in love with a guy with ptsd who was going through a rough time and pushed me away. He ended up hurting me by getting into a relationship with someone else and failing to tell me.

Throughout the last two years he’s had another relationship, in that relationship when he was suffering I would get a phone call for a cry for help. Not frequently but he asked if I was around etc.

When he split up with his gf he contacted me to tell me he was single and that here was his number should I want to chat. I didn’t talk to him for three months as I didn’t want to fall back into that.

We bumped into each other last July and from July to December it was a few booty calls here and there. I had an abortion which nearly killed our entire friendship but weirdly it brought us closer together. Since February this year we’ve been in an intense friendship. I see him most days, we work out together, swap books, I’m helping him start a business and we also have sex and are intimate.

He stresses a lot that he can’t be in a relationship and it’s not good for him. I know this and I know when he’s in one he feels trapped and gets confused and hates hurting his gf when he’s not well and needs to disappear. He always like to remind me that we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend - yet he’s practically in a relationship with me.

He asked me to go into business with him as a partnership but as soon as he did this I started to freak out. I know he will never be with me yet I love him so much, he’s my best friend and I fancy the pants off him. Going into business with him would tie me to him for a very long time, I told him I don’t think it’s wise.

He said he thinks we can be friends (minus the sex and kissing) but I’m not sure I can and I don’t think he can. I can’t bear the thought that he’s with another woman and I’m not sure I can switch that off.

We called quits today but he’s messaged me since saying he’s sorry he’s upset me and that he will wait for me to message.

I’m unsure of what to do? Has anyone got any friendly advice?
 
I'm a recoverig love addict and my advise is to --- R U N ! I could have written this story verbatim. (more than once) The ending does NOT end well! It does not work. Don't pray for a miracle that he will suddenly come into his senses and be willing to make a commitment to you. Instead, work on yourself. Work on your recovery. There are unconscous reasons you are doing this to yourself. And believe me: YOU are doing this to yourself. I don't believe this is anything remotely resembling true love. Love is a decision - not just a feeling. He is using you. Yes, you are using him. But don't fool yourself about your tangled love and sex feelings and longings and desires. I'm going to guess there is a little bit of suffering going on inside you over this relationship. Much like a gambling addict.

Will it be easy to cut him off? No. But you need to love yourself enough to work on you. Let me make a guess: a guy that is willing to care for you, and really care about you, and be there for you, is not attractive to you. But the guy that comes around for the booty call, who uses you for companionship, but makes it clear you are not an "item"-- that one you are attracted to. There's a reason for this. The good news is, there is life and real love out there for you. There really is.

My advice is to build a bonfire, say your "goodbyes" and watch it burn. Then walk away from the ashes a new woman into your new day. That's my advice.
 
Why are you giving him all of the perks of a relationship when he isn’t willing to give you what you need?

He treats you this way in part because you allow him to treat you this way.

He was in a relationship with another woman. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. He’s never going to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. And why should he?

I don’t think your title is an accurate reflection of the situation. He won’t let you go? You’re just as unwilling to let him go.
 
It sounds like you both know exactly what you want... and not only do neither of you want the same things, you specifically don’t want what the other person wants.

He wants a friend, lover, business partner.
You want a romantic relationship.

He does not want a romantic relationship
You do not want to be friends, a lover, or a business partner.

ETA - LOL @LuckiLee Cross-Posted with ya
 
To everyone who just gave that advice ..... thank you.

You’re right I’m just giving him everything he wants, on a plate, for free. I won’t meet anyone else as long as I’m having this f*cked up friendship with him. It’s been three years and he knows how to play me - I’m a prize idiot.

Thank you thank you thank you
 
To everyone who just gave that advice ..... thank you.

You’re right I’m just giving him everything he wants, on a plate, for free. I won’t meet anyone else as long as I’m having this f*cked up friendship with him. It’s been three years and he knows how to play me - I’m a prize idiot.

Thank you thank you thank you
I feel you! My sufferer desires me like crazy....I am his drug as he is mine! Two years together now....he can’t do relationship or intimacy outside the bedroom....then it feels too good. I cut him off 24 days ago. But he still texts me....like I said...I am his drug. Part of me want’s to shake him hard...as a supporter it is impossible to distinguish between pure PTSD behavior and simply selfish behaviour...how can we possibly know?
Going into business would in my humble opinion be unwise....I have owned a business for almost nine years and it was HARD work! Can he do that....make rational decisions...work the hours? You tell me.

As for your desire and cravings for him from one supporter to the other...it is tough! When my guy texted me last night I was once more torn between seeing him as a friend for a while and see what happens...but the truth is, that he suffers from CPTSD and refuses to seek therapy and refuses to talk about his PTSD...which is absurd, because he is a really clever guy...before being attacked several time in his job, he used to work in family therapy...helping others!
These 24 days without him and finding this Forum has helped me immensely! I know that if he does not get professional help, we will wind up ind the same vicious circle...me craving more time and intimacy and him running like hell...running just from me...not from his friends...because being with me be is a mixture of heaven and hell!
You want a stable , loving relationship...most of us do...can he give you that? Is sex/friendship enough for you? Is “unofficial” relationship enough for you? Let me take a wild guess...no! And please notice that I am capable of asking you the right questions...capable of telling you to run Forest run...and still not capable of getting my own shit together and cut all ties with my guy ? BUT I am getting there!
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers that you will find the strength to move on....I am sure, he is a really lovely, good and caring guy...but you cannot love PTSD out of him....and it sucks ?

I’m a prize idiot.
You are not an idiot....you love him...you are an addict...shake it off...move on...but do not...I repeat do not blame yourself! ❤️
With the pattern of behavior of your relationship with him that sounds like a very bad idea.

I hope you move on from him and find someone that treats you well and not someone that always likes to remind you that he is not your boyfriend. Nope.
Amen to that ?
I'm a recoverig love addict
I love the phrase “recovering love addict” ❤️ So well put! And so am I ??
 
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Thanks @Butterfly64 that was a really lovely post to read!!

He’s doing really well at the moment and I’ve loved these past 5 months. He is very honest about why he can’t be in a relationship, he says he would love one and wants the whole forever but just knows he will hurt someone. I’ve just spoke to him on the phone and I know what I’m getting into, I’ve known him 3 years - I’m not under any illusion that this is a walk in the park. I know at times he needs to isolate, that doesn’t phase me. This isn’t a whirlwind initial honeymoon thing for us.

I’ve also been honest with him and said that I have trouble letting him go so I can trial the ‘just friends’ part and we need some rules about that and if it doesn’t work then I have to say goodbye. (I have a feeling this is not going to work)

As for the business side, the reason he wants me to go in is because he can’t do it by himself because of his scatty nature. He needs me. I have enjoyed my role in it tbf and it’s helped his mind be occupied and it’s been exciting for me. Tying myself to it is like signing myself off to him forever. This is what I don’t think I can do.

I don’t know, it’s one of these annoying things that will keep playing out and I guess when I’m done I’m done ... there will come a time and it may be now :(

@Butterfly64 you have really inspired me .... I am impressed by how strong you are! We can do this ❤️
 
Thanks @Butterfly64 that was a really lovely post to read!!

He’s doing really well at the moment and I’ve loved these past 5 months. He is very honest about why he can’t be in a relationship, he says he would love one and wants the whole forever but just knows he will hurt someone. I’ve just spoke to him on the phone and I know what I’m getting into, I’ve known him 3 years - I’m not under any illusion that this is a walk in the park. I know at times he needs to isolate, that doesn’t phase me. This isn’t a whirlwind initial honeymoon thing for us.

I’ve also been honest with him and said that I have trouble letting him go so I can trial the ‘just friends’ part and we need some rules about that and if it doesn’t work then I have to say goodbye. (I have a feeling this is not going to work)

As for the business side, the reason he wants me to go in is because he can’t do it by himself because of his scatty nature. He needs me. I have enjoyed my role in it tbf and it’s helped his mind be occupied and it’s been exciting for me. Tying myself to it is like signing myself off to him forever. This is what I don’t think I can do.

I don’t know, it’s one of these annoying things that will keep playing out and I guess when I’m done I’m done ... there will come a time and it may be now :(
I know it all too well...it took me two years to finally accept that it not going to work out. If you are not ready to leave, then you are not ready! I have known my guy for six years...four as neighbors/friends and two as....I don’t know what. I know it will be much harder on him, me refusing to continue as “friends with benefits” (ohhh how I hate that label). He isn’t interested in anybody but me...he thinks other women are boring compared to me. So I will over time move on and find love and he won’t....he will miss me...yes he will eventually find a “f*ck buddy” pardon my French..but she will bore him, because she is not me. Do I feel sad for him.,.yes I do...PTSD is eating away at him, but for now I have to walk away...seeing me would make him go crazy when he can’t have me.
You stay if you can’t leave...I get that!

@Butterfly64 you have really inspired me .... I am impressed by how strong you are! We can do this ❤️
Thanks Sweetie ❤️ But I have been weak for two years...I have put up with so much shit...not knowing whether it was his PTSD or him just at the age of 43 being immature as f...! So now I say “no more”! And it feels good! I get a little stronger as each day goes by...I never thought that would happen! 24 days not seeing him...and I don’t want to see him for a while...I don’t trust myself ? I know that I will not fall into his honey trap....but I am scared that if we try to maintain some kind of friendship....it will mess up my head...it will surely mess up his...and I don’t want to do that to him.
 
@Butterfly64 ... I’m feeling not ready than ever to walk away. Before I would never have considered it, I would have done whatever he said but recently I’ve been the one initiating these painful conversations. He says he wouldn’t like the fact I’m dating other people or seeing anyone but he’d have to accept it and be happy for me. DAMN IT MAN JUST BE WITH ME.

I know it needs to end, I know this I just have to do it. I also know I’ll be completely fine in time and I also know there’s more people out there.

We go to the same training group and he lives 10 mins from me so the whole not seeing him will be tricky I feel :(

I already said I’ll train in a morning and his response was ‘don’t be silly we can still train together’ - NO WE BLOODY CANT.

Ugh ugh ugh

hes Just not ready to work through his PTSD while being in a relationship and that’s not something I can change!!
 
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