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Wondering If I Will Make It

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From the onset of fall weather and appearances, I start anniversary time. It's not just about a car accident. I was a wife and a mother of 2 young children and within a year I would find out I had dissociative identity disorder so throw that anniversary into the mix. This time of year is always hard for me. This was the 4th anniversary. The actual date has passed and I did better, but not great with the specific day.

Since then I have been falling apart. Last Friday I ended up in the ER. The discharged me but they really shouldn't have because they didn't update my medication list and so thought I just made a mistake. Nope, not a mistake. I explained this before they let me discharge. I told them that a part is has thoughts to hurt the body and that their medication list is incorrect leaving their theory not valid, but they let me go. For the most part I didn't mind because I don't like having to stay in the hospital just to act fine so I can leave because they're not trained to helped people with DID.

Anyway, I can't trust myself. I am dealing with additional external things while trying just to hide away and not notice the time of year it is. I am worried about my niece, appealing disability denial, my 4.5 year old who won't potty train, my own physical issues, the state of the world, the election, the shame I have of not being able to work and help my family, the fear that my not working combined with my medical bills is going to cause us financial problems but we won't qualify for help until it's too late, and I am not eating much, and I could keep going, but that's quite enough for now.

I need some support. I need some encouraging quotes. Anything you think will help me make it through, please share. The only thing I ask is that you don't tell me to "fake it until you make it" because that doesn't work for me. I don't want to pretend to be fine when it is not. I am falling apart and I want support for that. Please anyone that reads this, write something. I need connection to help me through.
 
You are a worthy person, just as you are. I know you feel a ton of shame and discouragement, but in your posts, I see you doing so much that is good. I'm consistently impressed. I have seen you improve in some big ways, even in the mist of the battle to hang on.

Something a therapist once told me once when I was facing another dreaded aniversary and associated spike in symptoms: "Every day is a new day. It may bring deep pain and very real reminders of the past, but this day is a new day." Something that she had me do was something new, every day, to remind myself that while I was feeling the pain of the past, to connect with the here and now. They were tiny new things. Like trying a new food one day, meeting a new grocery store clerk the next day, getting a new paintbrush to paint with another day. Simple tiny things, but it kind of helped.

You are an incredibly kind and compassionate person, with a ton of wisdom that you share with so many people here.

You have a ton of really intense stuff on your plate. I'm so sorry for the pain, confusion, fear and general falling apart that you are feeling right now. I hate PTSD. It's hellish and it breaks my heart that some of the very best people in the world, like you, have to endure it.

I wish I knew the right words that would help encourage you or what is the best path through this. (Please disregard anything that is not helpful.) I do believe that a way through can be found and I'm cheering you on! And sending lots of hugs, if you accept them. :hug: :hug: :hug:
 
I have spent the last 1/2 hour trying to find the perfect quote to help you but nothing I say will probably help.

I am so sorry for what you are going through-I really am. I want you to know that I am hearing you and your pain. I just wish I had the right words or answers to get you through this time. Sending you warm and gentle hugs and thoughts and prayers.
 
I wish I knew the right words that would help encourage you or what is the best path through this.
I am working on reframing my system about using the word right so I will respond to this by say you found the best words you could. The most beautiful words. Advice I am writing down to put on my mirror. I cried reading your words, @Justmehere , in a good way, not the way I just cried for an hour with my husband. Thank you more than I can say.

I have spent the last 1/2 hour trying to find the perfect quote to help you but nothing I say will probably help.
And this, this is beautiful. You spent a 1/2 hour trying to find a quote to help me!? That's beautiful compassion. Thank you and you came up with wonderful words all by yourself.

Can you focus on one thing at a time? Make self care and self soothing a priority?
Thanks for the reminder. At an in-patient unit I've been to a couple of time, the psychiatrist there would stop me and say "You're future-casting." and I would suddenly be like, "Oh, yeah, one thing at a time". I may have to focus on a few things at a time, but I should take the time to pause and check-in with self-care and self-soothing. Thanks for the reminder!
 
@Panda Bear , here and now is good advice. I already think I mess my kids up which is why my 4.5 year old not being potty trained stresses me out. I've been working on being more in the picture when I can for that one rather than avoiding it even though it has the ability to really trigger me.

@sun seeker , thank you. I like that you said you absolutely won't tell me to fake anything. That's wonderful. It's okay not to have anything inspirational, the connection is great. I want you to know that I can offer connection, too, and offer that to you as well in your dark place. It's amazing sometimes what we can do from dark places even when we are absolutely struggling. The little thing like you're reaching out even though you are struggling, too, helped me a lot.

I am not magically out of my dark place, but I do feel connection and support and every bit helps.
 
Hey @JEKBreatheandBelieve you are an amazing person! You were going through all your troubles yet u still found the time to help me when I was having a rough time! I don't know how to help u but here's what u said to me-maybe looking at it again might give u some ideas that might help?
"It means eat breakfast, watch TV, curl up and take a nap, whatever you are able to do and will help you. Sometimes it's a specific skill or guided meditation that will help slow things down and at least keepyou going until these feelings pass"

I really hope you find some peace x hugs
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Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time at the moment. I'm not in the greatest of places either just now, so I don't really have any wise, inspirational words. But I'm sending you support, empathy, understanding, encouragement.

I think something we're all very good at here is hanging in there. That no matter how shitty things get, we steel ourselves, hang in there and somehow come through the other side.

You are a deeply compassionate person - always quick to offer support, advice or understanding to help other members here through their dark or tricky times. I hope we can do the same for you now.

And I echo what others have suggested - one thing at a time, focus on the moment and lots of self-care. Hang tight. And breathe. For this too shall pass.
 
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