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Won't call it daddy issues, I just have issues......with my dad.

Thread starter #1
Today I wonder what it is like to have a father? Watching shows where a father is depicted as caring and compassionate has been unusually hard for me. A pang of longing for that of which I'll never have.

My father does exist in my life but we are estranged for very good reason, but sometimes I wonder if it will be this way forever. He's got a lot of issues and he hasn't been in my life for so many years that I thought I had come to terms with his absence but now I doubt myself.

I've been thinking about how I would feel if I found out he had passed away. Would I feel guilty? Would I even feel sad for him or for what I never had in him? Is it selfish for not wanting to forgive him, when I've somewhat forgiven my mother? It's mainly out of circumstance that I can forgive her, she has been my only provider and support system, whereas he only cut me down in different ways. He didn't protect me, he should have protected me. Am I just punishing him for what he did? Would I be okay with that if that were true?......part of me wants to say yes and the other part just doesn't know.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#2
For all the years I've been on the forum I have rarely spoken about 'the old man'. I just can not bring myself to say or even think 'dad', 'father' or any other word most people use. I understand how you feel.

I rarely speak of him because I have been on this journey for a long time and that 'issue' has been resolved as much as it can be.

Hope you are in therapy and able to bring this to them to start your healing. I know I had to face a lot of feelings that hurt. Also realizing how his lack of caring shaped how I saw men in general. He was the only role model I had and he sucked at his job.

Forgiveness?? That will have to be a personal choice you make at some point. I found I couldn't forgive him, but did come to a place of indifference. Which took work, tears, anger, the grief of something I never had, to get to that point. He stopped having power over me a long time ago.

I'm just letting you know you are not alone in how you feel and the impact your father had on your life. Just stay on the course of healing and you will find the way that is best for you. I know that doesn't answer your questions, but it is to let you know I understand.
 
Thread starter #3
Thank you for sharing, knowing that you understand and can relate helps tremendously.

I'm not currently in therapy. Ive been putting it off because my living situation has been a bit back and forth with the pandemic and I was waiting until I had a more established place to find a therapist. Now I do have that and I'm still hesitant about starting therapy but I don't really know why. I'm not opposed to the idea and I want and need it but I can't take the initiative to get it started. I don't understand what is holding me back. Im afraid of something I just don't know what. All I know is I'm tired of feeling stuck and I need to be able to propel myself forward somehow.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#4
It is very frightening to start therapy and knowing we will eventually have to get vulnerable. We have so many questions, will we like them, will they like us, can I trust this person, and on it goes. So the fear is normal or the reluctance to get started. It's ok. You will know when the time is right.

It's hard right now too not knowing if you will get a face to face meeting or online. And online feels very uncomfortable, especially if you've not had therapy before.

Will encourage you to use the forums for support in the meantime. We aren't counsellors or T's, but we do know how we feel and think. And there are so many topics to check out that may resonate with you and help you to not feel so alone.

Doesn't mean you are a failure if you haven't started therapy yet, just means you will know when it's time.

Take care and stay safe.
 
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