Today I wonder what it is like to have a father? Watching shows where a father is depicted as caring and compassionate has been unusually hard for me. A pang of longing for that of which I'll never have.
My father does exist in my life but we are estranged for very good reason, but sometimes I wonder if it will be this way forever. He's got a lot of issues and he hasn't been in my life for so many years that I thought I had come to terms with his absence but now I doubt myself.
I've been thinking about how I would feel if I found out he had passed away. Would I feel guilty? Would I even feel sad for him or for what I never had in him? Is it selfish for not wanting to forgive him, when I've somewhat forgiven my mother? It's mainly out of circumstance that I can forgive her, she has been my only provider and support system, whereas he only cut me down in different ways. He didn't protect me, he should have protected me. Am I just punishing him for what he did? Would I be okay with that if that were true?......part of me wants to say yes and the other part just doesn't know.
My father does exist in my life but we are estranged for very good reason, but sometimes I wonder if it will be this way forever. He's got a lot of issues and he hasn't been in my life for so many years that I thought I had come to terms with his absence but now I doubt myself.
I've been thinking about how I would feel if I found out he had passed away. Would I feel guilty? Would I even feel sad for him or for what I never had in him? Is it selfish for not wanting to forgive him, when I've somewhat forgiven my mother? It's mainly out of circumstance that I can forgive her, she has been my only provider and support system, whereas he only cut me down in different ways. He didn't protect me, he should have protected me. Am I just punishing him for what he did? Would I be okay with that if that were true?......part of me wants to say yes and the other part just doesn't know.