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Work Hourly Logging Trigger

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Hi everyone,

My therapist is on vacation and I hit a trigger that I was aware that MIGHT crop up, but it never has before so I put it out of my mind.

Usually I work a salaried position as an educator, but I signed up for summer school and have to log my hours. Today I got questioned on the validity of my hours for one area (scheduling meetings) because of the way I scheduled the meetings it looked to my supervisor that I had scheduled them quickly, but I bulk add them, add my supervisor, then go back and make sure things are done correctly and add everyone else I wasn't sure if they needed an add or not. This ended up with 20-25 minutes of time for each scheduled meeting on the online calendar invites, so since we are paid by the quarter-hour for summer school I wrote .5 (30 minutes) instead of .25 (15 minutes) since it took me longer than 15 minutes and even longer than 23 minutes so I rounded up. I figured there was no harm and she'd be checking anyways.

So the way it's a trigger is that I had internship two years ago and my therapist considers it a traumatic event because I had a miniature breakdown due to pressure, stress, and gas-lighting. He said I was basically in an abusive relationship with my supervisor for an entire school year, and although that summer he said he was SO proud of me for making it out, he did confess that he was worried that I wouldn't have "made it" with my mental health intact in any sort of way. I asked him what that meant and he said that he was actually afraid that he was going to end up having to recommend hospitalization, which is how close I got to losing my mind at one point. It was bad, and I'm still working through it.

My therapist said because of my existing PTSD it made the trauma harsher, and again reiterated how proud he was that I was able to get through it.

Anyways, I'm digressing. The trigger happened and I'm panicky now because I was questioned on my hours, which is a NORMAL thing for a supervisor to do today. However, during my internship I had multiple weeks of working 60+ hours trying to complete the demands asked of me, and when I would complete them my supervisor would give me more to do, and then denied to me and my school that she believed that I had worked so often, and made me delete hundreds of hours of work off of my internship log, and my school agreed that it seemed ridiculous that it was "taking me so long" to do things, even though it was not a normal amount of work she was giving me (my professor later told me that's how she felt so I was somewhat validated).

So right now I have some major panic about being questioned on my 30 minute status for 6 meetings, and I agreed with the supervisor that it would be agreeable to me if I did 15 minutes every other meeting and 30 minutes for the rest so that it averages out to about the middle, and she seemed fine with that, but I'm still getting the adrenaline fallout and I'm not really sure how to deal.

My therapist is on vacation for 3 weeks so I can't talk to him.

Ice cubes didn't work, I don't have citrus, does anyone have any other grounding strategies or anything to break the rumination/panic cycle?

does anyone have any other grounding strategies or anything to break the rumination/panic cycle?

The “and then what?” game... where I say f*ck it, and put to words my fears, so that I can chase down the possibilities.

Including? Worst case this sup is just like your last one?
- You’ll recognize it rather than be blindsided by it. And then what?
- You decide if you can work under those conditions or seek new employment. And then what?
- You’ll either get a new job & quit -Or- Stay. And then what (x2, 1 for each possibility stay/go)

^^^It’s often a monumental waste of time/mental energy, as it often takes me hours to really parse out the possibilities... it can also take as little as 20 seconds. And then what? This or that. And then what? This or that. And then what? This or that. Okay. I’ve got this. That fast, done/finis.

...The reason why I consider the longer versions a “waste” is that I don’t believe in hope, and this is essentially an exercise in dealing with hope // IE I’ve gotten all emotionally invested in something that hasn’t happened, yet, and durn well may not happen, and worse often get emotionally invested in THAT as well :banghead:. So it annoys me, getting all spun up about things that aren’t real, and then having to spend time “closing the loop”, by answering the questions spinning around in my head, with their attached emotions, so I can move forward. Sure, “hope” usually entails feeling good about something that hasn’t happened, yet, and then feeling bad when it doesn’t happen, when reality is that nothing has changed. But I find the reverse to be equally true, feeling bad about something that hasn’t happened, yet, and then feeling good if what hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t happen. :confused: It’s like racking up credit card debt, by spending money I dont have, on things I don’t want... rather than spending the money I do have on things I do want. I like my emotions spent on real things.

My emotions often have other ideas :rolleyes: (if you think hope is bad, you should see me start to care about someone, so then I have to go and grieve their death, before I can truly care about them. :facepalm: But if I don’t grieve their death? I can’t care about them. Because my emotions don’t believe in this whole linear time construct. So I work with what I’ve got. Time wasted, or no : P

Alternatively? Benzos.

Or having one of those kickass friends who cuts though all the bullshit and noise in my head, with something like 3 words. “Whatcha gonna do?” Shrug. ((f*cking A, I miss having those practical as f*ck people in my life & back pocket. Although attempting to replicate that is how the “and then what?” game was invented! :roflmao: What AM I going to do??? Okay. Let’s chase that down. Voila. Action plan = Anxieties sorted. In no small part probably because it takes the ruminations and points them in a useful direction. Or 17. Rather than attempting to stop to go all King Canute, and sweep the tide back out once it’s started coming in. Like going to the gym to burn off an adrenaline spike out of my blood, or putting insomnia to good use by changing my work hours. Working with the thing, instead of fighting it.))
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I forgot to reply to this completely. Thank you for your well thought out response. It helped loads, and I appreciate you.
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