Other Worried I did something terrible - Mistook 15yo for 19yo

Hi everyone

I want to prefice this by saying I've had longstanding issues with alcohol abuse, depression and severe anxiety/PTSD (mostly from abandonment issues on my father's side and being sexually taken advantage of by another boy over the course of at least 5 years between ages 10-15). I'm male in my mid 20s



I'm posting here because guilt/remorse/fear/disgust is eating away at me. About a month ago I was on a particularly bad drinking session where I had a LOT to drink. By about 10pm I decided I'd go out to buy more alcohol and cigarettes. Unfortunately on returning I realised I'd forgotten my keys and my housemate wasn't due home until closer to midnight.

I noticed one of my neighbors that I'm friendly with was still up putting their bins out, so I asked if I could come in while waiting for my housemate (Apologising like hell for the rude disturbance etc.) They said I was welcome and we shared some of the beer I bought from the store and talked. The neighbour has 3 daughters - 1 is my age and moved away, one is 19 and one is 15.

I was chatting with the mom and two younger daughters who were the ones home. Anyway one of the daughters was sitting next to me on the couch and offered to share a blanket as it was cold, which we did. Long story short, I must've thought in my drunken lizard brain way that she was into me instead of just being polite. I remember (or think I remember... I was very drunk) putting a hand on her knee and lightly stroking her leg at one point. Probably for like 10 seconds or so (but again, honestly cannot remember and everytime I try to I seem to get more muddled). Later on that night the sisters were arguing over something with the one who WASN'T sitting next to me in the blanket saying, "[NAME]... you don't know what you're talking about, you're only 15".

I sobered up pretty quickly at that point.

We end up talking for another couple of hours til my housemate comes home and I can get in to my place.

Needless to say next day I felt physically sick with what I'd done and the ramifications of that (less so for me - I'm the idiot in the wrong here - more so for her as I know first hand the impact this kind of thing can have on a child). I brought some flowers to the family to say thank you for being so kind in having me, and apologised for coming to their place in that drunken state, and if I made anybody uncomfortable. The mom told me "Don't be stupid" and "I'm welcome anytime - everyone enjoyed having you just make sure to drink lots of water today!"


So I'm wracking my mind here. I find what I did completely abhorrent and would never dream of doing something like that 'normally', and yet it happened. It's given me the final push I needed to get sober to be honest, and I haven't touched alcohol for a month since. But I feel so so terrible, and I guess I just don't know what to do as I've been having panic attacks, not slept, been sloppy at work (and I'm a mechanic I can't make mistakes it puts people at risk), not eaten properly. Of course I'm not the victim here - I've seen them since and just been polite and friendly and they've reciprocated. I just don't know what to do...

Sorry about the long message. And sorry if this triggered anything for anyone.
 
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Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t know how to respond to you in this without potentially opening myself up to a thread battle. You were sitting next to a girl that is 19? Legal age of consent. You didn’t ask permission, but she also didn’t necessarily tell you “no” or pull away. She could have been frozen, but she shared a blanket with you. It seems to me that she may have been a little into you—but maybe she wasn’t. Who knows? I’m glad you are getting help with the alcoholism. Reading signals is hard. I’m from a different generation and have been molested and raped, but I don’t think that this is something to overly beat yourself up over. You could always talk to the girl and apologize?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
@Skywatcher The way I'm reading it, he thinks it was the 15 year old he was sitting next to.

//

Ok, what you did isn't good. You know that. You are doing what you need to do, in working at getting sober and working through things here. Are you in therapy, because that would be important too. I think you are conflating this with your own abuse. Own up with what you did, but try to think of yourself as your abuser.

As for what to do? You can't undo what was done. When you brought the flowers over and apologized if you made anyone uncomfortable, was younger daughter there?
 
I don’t know how to respond to you in this without potentially opening myself up to a thread battle. You were sitting next to a girl that is 19? Legal age of consent. You didn’t ask permission, but she also didn’t necessarily tell you “no” or pull away. She could have been frozen, but she shared a blanket with you. It seems to me that she may have been a little into you—but maybe she wasn’t. Who knows? I’m glad you are getting help with the alcoholism. Reading signals is hard. I’m from a different generation and have been molested and raped, but I don’t think that this is something to overly beat yourself up over. You could always talk to the girl and apologize?

Hi Skywatcher. Thanks for the reply. No the one next to me is the one I thought was 19, but was actually 15. That's the main reason I'm absolutely mortified by this and why I said I "Very quickly sobered up" after that info was shared.

@Skywatcher The way I'm reading it, he thinks it was the 15 year old he was sitting next to.

//

Ok, what you did isn't good. You know that. You are doing what you need to do, in working at getting sober and working through things here. Are you in therapy, because that would be important too. I think you are conflating this with your own abuse. Own up with what you did, but try to think of yourself as your abuser.

As for what to do? You can't undo what was done. When you brought the flowers over and apologized if you made anyone uncomfortable, was younger daughter there?

Exactly right. Thank you for the response. She wasn't there at that time but she did see me walking my dog shortly afterwards and was playing with him etc. and seemed ok.

Edit: Oh and yes now I'm off the booze I've spoken to my doc and they've prescribed me different antidepressants and I'm being referred to a counsellor (takes a while unfortunately)
 

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
It’s pretty bad and I’m glad it gave you the push to get sober. It could’ve been worse. I can see how a close call like this would give you the push to straighten up so to speak.

From the way you’ve reacted I can see this is out with your normal behaviour and alcohol was a key reason you found yourself in this predicament. Which is good and bad but you’re doing it! A whole month sober is not to be sniffed at and it’s an amazing accomplishment. You are going to feel pretty shitty anyway because you’re sober it takes a while for your brain chemicals to find and equilibrium again. Plus FEELING your feelings rather than self medicating. This will pass.

That’s really good that you’ve been to the doctor and got the ball rolling with getting a counsellor. I highly recommend an AA support group. I know a lot of people don’t feel like they’re alcoholic enough for it, but there will be people like you who maybe just can’t have one or really kick the arse out of it every time they drink. Sobriety is hard af and no one should have to do it alone. They’ll be able to help and support you.

This wouldn’t even fall in a top 100 run down of scary situations I’ve had with men. Which is sad. Still it could’ve been better especially if you know in your heart you’re a better person than this type of behaviour. Even if it was the 19 year old it’s a bit sketch considering your neighbour let you in her home while you were drunk and locked out. Trying it with her daughter is no way to thank her for that. We all make mistakes but learning and actually changing from a mistake takes a lot of courage and self determination.
 
I'm glad you are remorseful, and hopefully this will be a major wake up call for you. I'd highly advise that you stop getting drunk. In fact, come back to this thread whenever you feel like drinking, because that shit is not going to go well for you.
 

Gatha

New Here
Sorry to say, I hear alarm bells. I was routinely groped by my best friends mother at 14. An upstanding member of the community, but too much booze and she became a shameless sex pest, like she actually believed that she was the same age as us kids. She had her own abuse story, but her self-medication had totally messed up her head. Hopefully in your case it was just something and nothing. It might not even have happened! But that's the thing with being drunk. You need to get that sorted ASAP and yes, stay clear of those situations until you've talked it over with a professional.
 

LuckiLee

MyPTSD Pro
NineTEEN is too young, too. How old are you? Stay away from teenagers and now would be a great time to get sober.

Sending support your way. Good luck.
 
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