Worried

[recoveringfromptsd]

First I need to put this in context, my most troubling hypervigilance is where I cannot function outside a comfort zone of certain. Uncertainty makes me unsafe. I understand why this is, it goes back to my particular situation with abuse.

I recently was hospitalized because after my sister died, all my therapy paths were vague and had not defined goals, or targets, and the answers I got to the question of whether my form of hypervigilance can broken, never clearly answered the question, leaving me with less than before I asked. I suspect the trauma T did not want to leave me with promises or hopes that might not be realized.

The problem this created was all the therapy was a lot of work, and stress and I had nothing that show me it would change me significantly to want to be around this world, as I can't tolerate life as it has been. Basically all of it represented the one thing I can't cope with and that is uncertainty.

I tolerated this because my sister was my anchor of certainty. When she died I was left with the uncertainty of it all, plus added on top of it, financial uncertainty, and mourning.

I was sent to PIW, and was on a regular unit which was very triggering (at times it felt like torture because I could not get away from it). The good thing that did happen there was I got the answers to the same question there trauma therapist (they have a trauma unit) about breaking my form of hypervigilance, and was even showed how it was done.

I am worried about being let down, that's all i have seen before. As all I have right now is the hope I now have gained from being told and shown my form of hypervigilance can be broken. And in the past others in similar fashion have let me down or betrayed me.

Unfortunately, I have a lot of cognitive distortions in general, and even more around this. So I have trouble trying to think through this. Worse, is even with current people in my life, I feel betrayal even though its not real, so I am at a real disadvantage.

 

[joeylittle]

Can you get more specific about your own definition of 'uncertainty'?

For example, you say your sister provided you with certainty.

There is no getting away from the fact that life contains unknowns. But there are ways to manage how many of them one is dealing with at any given time.

So - what is certainty/uncertainty, to you?

 

[Rumors]

So often I think we tie certainty/uncertainty to safety. What we know, we can control, yes? If we can see it, touch it, taste it, or hear it then we can control the outcome, or at least we think we can. It is too hard to think that we can maintain safety with uncertainty.
I can't tell you it's easy or that I have even mastered uncertainty, but there are days where I venture in to unknown territory and do so without knowing where it will lead me. All I can tell you is that you do survive. I have a 100% success rate of surviving and so do you. Sometimes I am better at it than others, but I always seem to deal with whatever happens. Is it scary? Hell yes! However, in the end it always seems as if it was much more scary in my mind then what actually transpired.
I am really sorry about your sister. It sounds as if she was a security blanket. Maybe you could get a comfy shirt of hers or even a blanket and when you feel uncertain you could wrap up in it. Hang in there!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@joeylittle Its hard to describe uncertainty, it is easier to describe how it became a problem. In 1977-78 I had severe abuse, all 3 forms, DSS had retained me as a juvenile so I had no choice about being where I was, when I reported the abuse, my DSS social worker told me nothing would be done, and live with it. At the time there was a nationwide placement crisis, and the place I was at solved that for many counties, and when abuse was reported DSS ignored it because the DSS higher ups were happy there crisis was solved. The lower level social workers operating on a don't rock the boat framework. They were shutdown in the 80's after the murder of tammy agee a client in there care.

I had asked for help many times, only to be betrayed, I told a medical clinic in Maine when they injured me at their camp there and nothing was done, and in 1978 I ran away from there camp in Clarksville, and sought the help of a church in falls church, only to be returned to that place.

I had learned to do what DSS said, LIVE with the abuse, because all efforts to get help led to betrayal. So for me anything where I can't judge as being within a zone of safe certainty is unsafe and uncertain. If it's out of my reach in any way (where I can't use manipulation, manage, influence, see and hear, controlling, refusing, etc.), it's the unknowns factor that drive my uncertainty.

Uncertainty literally drives me crazy, Situations that I don't have a hand in that affect me are an example. My recent hospitalization is a prime example, I was doing three different therapy paths (Life Crisis, EMDR which is on hold for now) , (my regular T), (DBT) and with all there I had not defined goals or targets, just the promise it might make me better, but that was vague. So this fell into uncertainty for me, as I had nothing to really pin my hopes on or strive for in the process. My sister gave me the certainty to tolerate it, but when she died I was left with just the uncertainty thus i became unsafe. When the PIW Trauma Therapist told me my form of hypervigilance can be broken and even showed me how its done. That brought certainty into my state of mind. And thus safety. Thus breaking my form of hypervigilance is my master goal. Several things I can't do in DBT because my hypervigilance won't allow it are my new long term goals, and short term goals I expect to be set collaboratively by myself and my T's. I had none of these until I was at PIW, all I had was my past experiences to go by, distorted cognition becoming a factor, and a feeling that all that I was doing would not give me what I need most, and that is to break my form of hypervigilance, as that hypervigilance has given me nothing by an existence of misery.

to give you an example of just how disabling this is for me, In the DBT module Emotion regulation the Willingness vs Willfulness homework I spent 6 hours trying the find a way to do it, it made me unsafe trying, reason being is the homework is asking my hypervigilance to allow uncertainty and unknowns thus essentially stepping aside. My hypervigilance clearly tries to protect me by being on the willful side, where my world is certain and controllable.

I hope this clarifies your question, I don't know how else to approach it, How would you define uncertainty?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@joeylittle I know that life contains unknowns and uncertainties, that does not change the fact that because of what happened in 1977-78 changed me in a way where I can only safely function with certainty situationally. Why do you think breaking my form of hypervigilance is so important to be an absolute necessity to want to live. Until now it has brought me nothing but misery.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

So often I think we tie certainty/uncertainty to safety. What we know, we can control, yes? If we can se...

It's not as easy as you propose, for one I was my sisters care giver, so she needed me, but she gave me purpose to set aside the misery I felt, she was not a security blanket, I was her protector, not the other way around. But she was an anchor of certainty in my daily situation, as her needing me was clearly a certainty, that it gave purpose was clearly a certainty, so when she was alive I was able to do the therapy being as uncertain as it was on the hopes it would help me. The certainty oh her situation and my role allowed me to function as I had some certainty with her. When she died I was left with just the uncertainty of both my own living situation, but also therapy.

I don't need a to wear something of hers, to get comfort, we both were the same size, and wore each others cloths all the time, so doing something I already do now does not change anything.

What I need to is to be able to function like the rest of the world, and be able to tolerate uncertainty and unknowns. If I can achieve that life is worth trying to achieve it. If I can't life remains as misery and is not worth living.