Wow... Do I Have Trauma...?

J

Jsnet

I feel like trauma impacted everything in my life. My first family loss was my sister when I was 11 years old. My mom went into a coma and subsequent vegetative state when I was 14 and left paralyzed from the neck down and in a nursing home from 1991 to 2013 when she actually died.

My family didn't support me and the people at the church I grew up in judged me and casted me off as not wanted. I lost so many people including family. Our house burned down on Christmas night of 1992 while all but me were at church (faulty electrical wiring). I was blamed for the fire by family. Thought I was smoking in my bedroom.

I got into sex, drinking, and marijuana just to escape my hell. It never helped. I mistakenly thought sex meant love. Boy, was I wrong!

No one understood me. By 17-18, I was being abused by a man. Raped several times by two different men, and by 19 I was married to a man who became a tragic figure in his own right and fathered my first child. By 22, I gave birth to my second child and things got so bad. My first child was angry at my second child for just existing.

Eventually she went on to abuse all of us. Emotionally, mostly and eventually become hospitalized in the psych unit over a dozen times. My first daughter was given different diagnoses, but by the time she was an adult - landed on borderline personality disorder and delusional disorder persecutory type. We tried everything. Social workers, therspy for our family and for her, everything was chaotic. My eldest daughter was trying to break up my marriage with my husband (not her father) whenever she could. I had a cardiac arrest by the time I was 33 (my birthday, actually). I had surgery to put an internal cardiac defibrillator since my family had history of unexplained death or near death. By the time I came home, my oldest daughter fought with me over using the phone and when I said no, she punched my near my incision of my most recent surgery.

We tried everything to protect her sister from her and tried everything to get my oldest daughter help. Two day treatment programs, JIPs petition, psych stays, social workers(as previously mentioned), police intervention during suicidal ideation episodes, shelter care and eventually placing her into foster care at 16 1/2 years old. I maintained visitation and attempted to heal my youngest daughter. Which she resented btw. Obviously because now the focus was on her, and I got that. I knew why. My youngest tried to project this strong and vibrant side. It was of course a facade. She got pregnant, miscarried, and eventually died on December 15th after being hospitalized for (come to find out) our family curse. She laid in that bed at the hospital with very little brain activity and eventually we had to let her go. It was like my mom, all over again.

We found out through my brother and my youngest daughter that our family has gene that mutated to cause cardiac arrest.

My eldest daughter posted a video on Facebook live saying my husband and I killed her sister. Over time blaming me for her homelessness in various locations because I wouldn't let her live with us.

I'm traumatized by so much that's happened in my life. I'm still grieving my grandson's death last October. He wasn't even nine months old. I had been estranged from my eldest daughter up until that time. She seemed so... Nice when I brought her to the funeral home to make arrangements. (I really didn't want to... Because of previous mentioned Trauma regarding her) I did it so that he could be laid to rest, and she was postponing everything... Potentially denial. I'm not sure.

I made the best of things and almost gave her my phone number. I resisted because I knew she'd start it all over again. She contacted me on 52 different Facebook accounts that she created, and eventually I disconnected my account. I started an Instagram account and she found me. I've made intentions known to my contacts. If you are friends with her, you're not with me. I cannot do this. My oldest daughter has had two children adopted out in another state (because of neglect and not achieving success with reunification). I hopefully someday will meet them when they're old enough. I've put my DNA out there for them to find me, hopefully.

I'm 44 years old and while I've made significant progress with my life I'm still really struggling with the people in my youth that ignored me when my life was falling apart around me and the part one of my uncles played in that. Let alone the fact that my aunt basically didn't have anything to do with me - and I wanted her more than anything. The church members just walking away and how that impacts my view of religion and how angry I am at God. It's really tainted me. That and my eldest daughter. She traumatized me and her sister. After her sister died, she proclaimed to anyone that listened that she loved her sister. Accusing past friends of hers of not being there for her sister in her time of need. And just overall coming up with this tale that she did nothing wrong.

I can accept mental illness being part of the problem. I just cannot accept how my life has changed because of it. I'm trying not to be bitter, but I cannot seem to understand it.

anyway, thank you for reading.

J
 
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Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
You really have been through a lot. I'm so sorry for all the struggle and pain. I hope you can find support here. It's a pretty great group, especially if you value honesty. Being angry is ok and reasonable given all you've experienced. I hope you can work through your emotions and find a path towards healing.
 
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