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Writing a 'no send' letter to my dad.

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PTSDisaster

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My therapist wants me to write a letter to my narcissistic dad who sexually abused me. I always feel guilty to my dad when I don't call him because I don't want him to feel alone or whatever and I need to stop feeling guilty. Meanwhile he never aknowledged my pain and he thinks I'm a bit of a poser that I can't function like a normal person.
So now I wrote this letter where I need to express my anger towards him, and I really did write down all the things he did to me. But I don't really feel any emotion? I feel that it bothers me but I'm not overwhelmed or something. Also I still feel a big urge to call my dad even though I just burned him in my letter. He had 2 personalities in my head, the small one is him being an abusive narcissist and the big personality is him feeling sad and abandoned.

Any of you know what to do or experience the same thing? Maybe anyone had an exercise like this?
 
I always feel guilty to my dad when I don't call him because I don't want him to feel alone or whatever and I need to stop feeling guilt
I'm going to take a guess here and that is that he more or less trained you, growing up, to feel like you were responsible for his feelings. So, two questions, what makes you think he feels alone and what makes you think that's your problem?

I'm making that guess because that's what narcissists tend to do. In their version of reality, all that matters is them. How they feel, what they want, etc. Other people, in their version of reality, only exist to fulfill their desires. When you grow up around that, it's what you learn to believe. You don't have a lot of choice about that as a child and it's hard work learning to think differently. He never acknowledged your pain because it doesn't matter to him. If he's really got narcissistic personality disorder, YOU only matter to him when and where you can serve his purposes and desires. That sounds harsh, I know, but that's why it's a "disorder". (I'll grant that the word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot these days, but, when it exists to the extent of actually being a disorder, it's a seriously messed up view of the world.)

I'm going to take a guess here that you're worried he feels abandoned and sad because that's the way YOU would feel in his situation. Most of the time, narcissists are pretty good at finding new people to use. They just move on without giving it a lot of thought. How does he treat you when you DO reach out to him? Does he ask what you've been up to? Does he seem to be seriously interested in you? Or is the conversation all about him? Maybe a little guilt trip for not being the person he wants you to be?

That letter sounds like a good first step. I'd suggest maybe more letters and more conversation with your therapist.
 
He had 2 personalities in my head, the small one is him being an abusive narcissist and the big personality is him feeling sad and abandoned.
Oh, this sounds exactly like my dad when he was alive. No reason not to call him, even if you did just dump on him in your letter - he doesn't know that, right?

The letter-writing is a really good idea. If you aren't feeling anything, just keep doing it. Don't overwhelm yourself, but try again. Also, it would probably help to read it out loud and maybe even to read it to your therapist!
 
i used this tool during the harshest of my recovery years. i still use it from time-to-time for more current conflicts to help me let go and find my way to forgiveness and/or healthier boundaries. i have various ways to "send" such letters. smoke and water are my personal favorite postal systems to use for the send off. to send them by smoke signal, my fave is to build a campfire for meditation purposes. i love meditating in front of campfires. burning "no-send" letters is a perfect add on for the meditation.

to send them by water, i fold the letter into a paper boat (plural, if needed), set the boat into a body of moving water and watch it until it sinks into the water. i prefer rivers or creeks, but a rainwater runoff stream seemed especially appropriate for some of my no-send letters as i watched them sink into the cesspools beneath the city.
 
Fire. That was my 'letting go'. After writing those letters to so many thru my 12 step years was pure bliss to watch them burn.Took more than one in many cases. But I smoke so I always have a lighter handy. But I got it out. And the more I got it out the more the fog of being manipulated by a father very like yours, the easier it became to 'not take care of him'. I don't hate him. But I am indifferent. That to me is so much more self empowering than hate. I don't hate anyone.

But unsent letter writing was one of many tools to stop hating myself. And getting my power back from him or anyone else that manipulated with guilt.

Sometimes it's the most simple things that are healing. Letter writing is very up close and personal. And I didn't have to stoop to any lower level to express my feelings. That old man taught me how to not trust anyone. I can tell you I DO trust today. Not blind trust. But slow and steady trust. And people have to earn my trust. Doesn't mean they have to do tricks and entertain me. Means they have to be real, attempting to live thier own purpose in life and be able to make me laugh. AND, they have to be able to laugh at themselves when they realize they are taking themselves way too seriously.

Only you can decide to call or not. Maybe you haven't practiced putting distance, emotional distance between him and you yet. It will happen. If you are able to get in touch with your gut, it will guide you. Thank you for sharing this. I had forgotten how many letters I have written on this journey that the person never knew about.

It's just one more way to get our power back that was stolen from us. Give yourself time. Be kind to you!!!
 
I'm going to take a guess here and that is that he more or less trained you, growing up, to feel like you were responsible for his feelings. So, two questions, what makes you think he feels alone and what makes you think that's your problem?

I'm making that guess because that's what narcissists tend to do. In their version of reality, all that matters is them. How they feel, what they want, etc. Other people, in their version of reality, only exist to fulfill their desires. When you grow up around that, it's what you learn to believe. You don't have a lot of choice about that as a child and it's hard work learning to think differently. He never acknowledged your pain because it doesn't matter to him. If he's really got narcissistic personality disorder, YOU only matter to him when and where you can serve his purposes and desires. That sounds harsh, I know, but that's why it's a "disorder". (I'll grant that the word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot these days, but, when it exists to the extent of actually being a disorder, it's a seriously messed up view of the world.)

I'm going to take a guess here that you're worried he feels abandoned and sad because that's the way YOU would feel in his situation. Most of the time, narcissists are pretty good at finding new people to use. They just move on without giving it a lot of thought. How does he treat you when you DO reach out to him? Does he ask what you've been up to? Does he seem to be seriously interested in you? Or is the conversation all about him? Maybe a little guilt trip for not being the person he wants you to be?

That letter sounds like a good first step. I'd suggest maybe more letters and more conversation with your therapist.
Well, your guesses are pretty right. I know that I'm not responsible for his feelings etc, but it really hurts me if I conciously push someone away from my life or count someone out. But I do think that you're right that it feels a lot worse because he teached me this way. I remember that as a kid, everything I did involved questions like 'Is my dad okay with this or will he get mad because I'm making noise'. I feel now like my existence as a child was already too much for him, every sound I made he screamed that he hated me and my siblings.
Now he treats my as if I'm equal and acts like he's interested, but it's an act I think. It never seems sincere to me.
Oh, this sounds exactly like my dad when he was alive. No reason not to call him, even if you did just dump on him in your letter - he doesn't know that, right?

The letter-writing is a really good idea. If you aren't feeling anything, just keep doing it. Don't overwhelm yourself, but try again. Also, it would probably help to read it out loud and maybe even to read it to your therapist!
Thank you for your reply, I will send the letter to my therapist to discuss this in therapy! :)
i used this tool during the harshest of my recovery years. i still use it from time-to-time for more current conflicts to help me let go and find my way to forgiveness and/or healthier boundaries. i have various ways to "send" such letters. smoke and water are my personal favorite postal systems to use for the send off. to send them by smoke signal, my fave is to build a campfire for meditation purposes. i love meditating in front of campfires. burning "no-send" letters is a perfect add on for the meditation.

to send them by water, i fold the letter into a paper boat (plural, if needed), set the boat into a body of moving water and watch it until it sinks into the water. i prefer rivers or creeks, but a rainwater runoff stream seemed especially appropriate for some of my no-send letters as i watched them sink into the cesspools beneath the city.
Thank you!! Will keep this in mind and I really hope it will help me as much as it helped you.
Fire. That was my 'letting go'. After writing those letters to so many thru my 12 step years was pure bliss to watch them burn.Took more than one in many cases. But I smoke so I always have a lighter handy. But I got it out. And the more I got it out the more the fog of being manipulated by a father very like yours, the easier it became to 'not take care of him'. I don't hate him. But I am indifferent. That to me is so much more self empowering than hate. I don't hate anyone.

But unsent letter writing was one of many tools to stop hating myself. And getting my power back from him or anyone else that manipulated with guilt.

Sometimes it's the most simple things that are healing. Letter writing is very up close and personal. And I didn't have to stoop to any lower level to express my feelings. That old man taught me how to not trust anyone. I can tell you I DO trust today. Not blind trust. But slow and steady trust. And people have to earn my trust. Doesn't mean they have to do tricks and entertain me. Means they have to be real, attempting to live thier own purpose in life and be able to make me laugh. AND, they have to be able to laugh at themselves when they realize they are taking themselves way too seriously.

Only you can decide to call or not. Maybe you haven't practiced putting distance, emotional distance between him and you yet. It will happen. If you are able to get in touch with your gut, it will guide you. Thank you for sharing this. I had forgotten how many letters I have written on this journey that the person never knew about.

It's just one more way to get our power back that was stolen from us. Give yourself time. Be kind to you!!!
Thank you so much, I think it is best to be indifferent. I would love to get there one day. Thank you for your kind and reassuring words:))
 
It can be cathartic and it can let you just get it all out. Sometimes if you won't see the person ever again it can be closure.

Letting it all out can help reduce your stress but oddly, it sets you up to deal with that situation again. If you ever end up in a similar situation you already know what to do, and that means less stress, better function, and you have a script to deal with them.
 
Maybe anyone had an exercise like this?
I usually find it more useful to write half a dozen to a dozen letters, rather than one.

- General
- Kind
- f*ck you
- Threatening
- Ending / Finis
- Humorous
- My fault to Your fault ((aka I shouldn’t feel guilty for what you did. But I do. So here’s what you should feel guilty for.))
- About his other victims
- Loving skips a beat / record screech ((If you were NOT a pedophillic asshole? I’d really like to tell you about XYZ, & ABC. But you are. So you don’t get to know about 123, or 456, either. Because I share those things with people who did NOT rape me. Which is <fill in emotion here> because a thousand high-fives, or how amazing you were at $$$ & £££ or €€€ & ¥¥¥ means I’ve also lost out on … Because you’re a pedophile who sexually assaults his children. )) Remove all the reality checks? And it’s a really glowing/lovely letter to send to a loved one, or confidante, or mentor. But the reality checks of why he doesn’t get to know, or comment on, or be involved creates a tooooootally different thing.
- Please don’t be angry/disappointed/happy/proud of/dismissive/etc. with me /// why do I care what you think-feel-do? Much less about me?
- Imagining life without you // how f*cked up are you?
- How I judge men/fathers by you.
- How I judge myself by you
- Etc.

It suits different moods/mindsets… even with anger as the central theme…and the reason I like doing it that way is typified by the whole you finished one letter and then immediately wanted to call him. Because you didn’t say ALL you had to say. Whether that’s the anger+fear, or anger+guilt, or anger+longing for comfort, or anger+void, or anger+Anything.

Anger isn’t a one dimensional thing. It colors faaaaar more facets than most people give it credit for, in my experience. Playing with those facets? Giving them the recognition they’re due? As well as seeing where it’s bridgi 2 or more totally unrelated things, linking them together? Is one of the things that I’ve found actually moooooooves the whole “I know it intellectually, but don’t know it know it… or still feeeeeel like I need to xyz becuase I’m supposed to/should/shouldn’t/am not supposed to” distance between head & heart.
 
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