Young and Angry - Why So Angry?

[anthony]

This is YA's post from within "[DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread201/3.html#post1326"]how's your day[/DLMURL]" thread:

Oh I know why I'm so angry... it's frustration.
Frustration at the fact that I'm deemed unable to work at the age of 22,
frustrated that I have to rely on someone to take care of me,
frustrated that I can't stand to look in the mirror because of the scars
frustrated that I need at least 2 more surgeries to try to fix my face
frustrated at the way everyone around me handles "the accident"
frustrated that I have PTSD, and somedays it just seems way to overwhelming.

That's why I'm so damn angry,
and everytime I try to sit down and "fix" some of my frustrations,
I realize that most of the issues are to huge for me to deal with right now

wow... that's a load off my chest...

Frustration ha? How about (emotions in bold):

• Helplessness that your physically fit to work, but not mentally?
• Possibly feeling hurt, rejected or sense of failure because of your mental health at age 22?
• Helplessness that you need someone else to help look after you? Possibly feel guilty that your not in control?
• Embarrassment of your physical looks? Possibly your self esteem is humiliated by your scars?
• Helplessness that you are waiting to have your further surgeries?
• Helplessness that you have PTSD, being something you cannot control?
• Others controlling each situation around you to not upset you, tip toe or walk on egg shells?
• Vunerable to show your true self in fear of more pain as a consequence?
• Vunerable to let others get close too you, and really share what your feeling in fear of breaking?
• Lack of understanding of the effects off PTSD, and loved ones support of your PTSD?

I could go on, but will let you think about some of those, even if one or two hits a nerve as accurate, more so than just frustration. This just gives you something to think about I guess, as to the application of other underlying emotions to what you have outlined as only frustration YA. I hope something above has helped, and it may possibly make you angry, but you will find the truth in any of the above statements.

I know I hated this when approached with it, and given alternatives to my one or two emotions I thought where the problem, when in fact many others actually contributed to my anger. I was primarily driven by anger, and now, only a little over what could be classed as normal, compared to near pure rage I expressed previously. Whilst some things I may mention could hurt, they are meant to help, and you will find those yourself.

I would love to get more of what you believe is underlying, underpinning your anger YA. Its not about providing you answers, but just possible solutions to some of the issues that are creating your anger.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

• Helplessness that your physically fit to work, but not mentally?
• Possibly feeling hurt, rejected or sense of failure because of your mental health at age 22?
• Helplessness that you need someone else to help look after you? Possibly feel guilty that your not in control?
• Embarrassment of your physical looks? Possibly your self esteem is humiliated by your scars?
• Helplessness that you are waiting to have your further surgeries?
• Helplessness that you have PTSD, being something you cannot control?
• Others controlling each situation around you to not upset you, tip toe or walk on egg shells?
• Vunerable to show your true self in fear of more pain as a consequence?
• Vunerable to let others get close too you, and really share what your feeling in fear of breaking?
• Lack of understanding of the effects off PTSD, and loved ones support of your PTSD?

I feel so damn helpless... it is a more accurate definatition of how I feel.

Ever since I was a 'lil girl, I've had it in my mind I was going to college/university... make something of myself.... get a great paying job and not have to rely on someone to pay my bills.

My accident happened 2 weeks before I had my college grad ceremony...

I spent 2 years of my life learning about computer programming, coding, networking... everything I did was somehow supposed to help me get my career off the ground... extra after school projects, promoting the college through presentations I would do at local highschools, volunteering and setting up gaming competitions for the youth in my city... all to raise awareness, gain knowledge, and earn a good reputation for myself.
I had a job already lined up, and I was all set to make my dreams a reality.

Now... its been a little over 1 year since my accident.
I still cannot even look in a *ucking mirror without feeling disgust/humilation at what I see.
When I constantly repeat myself to the same person...
or find it nearly impossible to carry an intellectual conversation with my old college classmates ...
I feel so embarressed.
I am afraid that people are noticing and labeling me as "stupid"...
which probally isn't the case, but that's the evil my brain is making me think is reality.

Right now my emotional state is way to unbalanced for me to be able to work.
Besides, even if I didn't feel crazy... the cronic pain makes sitting for too long, bending my neck, or lifting anything, really painful.
I could always go back to the painkillers... but then that can cause a whole other battle if you get hooked (been there... done that with T3's)

... I'm so exhausted just thinking about all this...
Anthony, your comments did hit home...
and I need a breather before I continue

 

[anthony]

Ever since I was a 'lil girl, I've had it in my mind I was going to college/university... make something of myself.... get a great paying job and not have to rely on someone to pay my bills.

My accident happened 2 weeks before I had my college grad ceremony...

I spent 2 years of my life learning about computer programming, coding, networking... everything I did was somehow supposed to help me get my career off the ground...

I had a job already lined up, and I was all set to make my dreams a reality.

YA, I want to tell you something that is very important for your own self needs, and you really need to read this again and again if required, so that you fully understand and comprehend the full scope of your past.

All this hard work, everything you have done, IT IS STILL WAITING FOR YOU. None of it has gone anywhere... it still exists, and is just pending your post accident recovery, nothing more, nothing less.

Your accident is only a hurdle within your life, its not rewriting your entire life as such, just a small portion of it until you get yourself better. Once you are mentally and physically fit again, you can always go back, sit an exam for pre-qualification entry (or something similar / past credits), maybe have to redo the last six months of your graduate degree, then qualify and graduate. This should be something you look forward too actually, and not look at as negative, as this is really the phase that will give you some scope on how you will handle work with PTSD.

If you can go back and finish your degree, graduate and are feeling a bit sick because of it from PTSD, then you stop again, have a break, do some self work for another few months / year, whatever it takes for you, then continue on and find a job, whether part-time, full-time or maybe you have to setup your own business and work for yourself, thus having full control over and around PTSD.

Its not over, its just a hurdle.

The aim of this thread was definately to hit you with the truth that surrounds you from your own admissions and writing here, and I think from just your one reply, reality of your issues is surfacing and hitting you hard. At the end of the day though, this is what it takes to recover from PTSD and live and work with it, instead of it controlling you.

YA, we will get through this, you will get through this, and see a better side to yourself and life once again, then continue on with your studies, future aspects and goals, career and so forth. I know you want it, because I can pick it from your writing. Your stubborn, you won't just lay down and take this crap, which is exactly what it takes to get through it and too the other side. I am on the other side waiting for you and others, and you will reach it, that is near guaranteed. Its not easy, and I have always said it is a very tough struggle to learn how to control, but your ready to fight, you have the anger and rage, now you just need to control those and focus them where it counts to beat the shit.

Your doing very well, let me tell you, and if you continue on the path you are, in six months, a year or two, you will find the other side, and then you just maintain yourself to control PTSD, and not let it rise above you again and control.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

• Vunerable to show your true self in fear of more pain as a consequence?
• Vunerable to let others get close too you, and really share what your feeling in fear of breaking?

Basically that sums it up right there...

I can't talk about what happened to me without breaking down...
...therefore I avoid talking about it at all costs....

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Well... I typed out that last post before I had read your reply (yes I respond slowly... takes me forever to find the right words)
I started to quote your post so I could respond...
well, basically I was gonna end up quoting the entire message,
so I thought I'd just respond to the whole thing...


Well I had managed to graduate,
I only had 1 minor exam to write, and the college allowed me to do the grad walk even though I hadn't written that exam yet (sufficient to say it was under special circumstances)
Hell, I don't even remember my grad day...
I was so drugged up on painkillers, the whole day is a blur to me.
At least I got some good pics of my classmates before I went into isolation and stopped talking to everyone. :( Sad but true

Anyways... yeah, so I managed to pass the exam (just barely, but I blame that on the drugs, lol)
So at least if I choose to not continue my education further... I still have a diploma to fall back on.

My problem is physically and mentally I cannot even perform desk work right now.
I have a huge issue... k, let me rephrase... I feel useless and humilated to have to rely on my partner and parents for financial support.
Although I know they wouldn't want me to feel this way.. I have to work through it... 'cause it's stuck in my brain pretty damn good.
I've talked about going to work... asked what I might be able to do,
so far I've just been told to try and volunteer somewhere once a week, and see how that goes.
That's fine and dandy.. I've always volunteered in the past, I think it would actually help me to feel like I'm helping others...
problem is... volunteering doesn't pay shit....
so that wouldn't help me to contribute to the household (which is basically why I want to work)

And you are right... I am very stubborn,
that's probally why this disorder has hit me so hard.
I hate feeling out of control, and I know I've put some high expectations on myself.
I think alot of us do

Every doctor I've had so far has felt postive about my recovery,
as I just want to get better, and they can see that.
The meds they have me on are just to calm me down abit...
...allow me to sleep and eat and stuff...
I've been VERY adimint (sp?) about not being prescribed anything really addictive, don't want to go down that road... just want to get on with my life.

Thanks

 

[anthony]

Well I had managed to graduate,
I only had 1 minor exam to write, and the college allowed me to do the grad walk even though I hadn't written that exam yet (sufficient to say it was under special circumstances)

Good stuff, so your qualified and that is something you DON'T have to worry yourself over anymore.

My problem is physically and mentally I cannot even perform desk work right now.
I have a huge issue... k, let me rephrase... I feel useless and humilated to have to rely on my partner and parents for financial support.
Although I know they wouldn't want me to feel this way.. I have to work through it... 'cause it's stuck in my brain pretty damn good.

Ok, lets work on this shall we. You are qualified on programming, networking, etc etc, all of which can be done from home! So, why don't we exploit your talents whilst you can't physically handle being at a desk and make some money from home. Who cares how much, $100 a month is atleast some contribution, which might just help you get past your feelings towards being supported by your loved ones whilst your sufferering.

I understand you can't sit at a desk for long periods for pain, so... do you have a notebook computer? Can you get a hold off one? If so, then you could work anywhere around the house that is more comfortable for you, and not be upright in a chair at a desk.

You can pickup your type of work and work from home, a little cash in hand type work, or declare it if you desire (not sure how the USA tax system works) from sites such as:

• http://www.freelanceauction.com
• http://www.allfreelancework.com
• http://www.allfreelance.com/jobsites.html (big list)

Now, saying all that, be careful with those sites, as many will entice you to try and do something before money is handed over. Big no no, regardless how sweet and broke they sound, money first, then work. Maybe that type of stuff suits you, maybe not, just another idea that you may not have thought about.

so far I've just been told to try and volunteer somewhere once a week, and see how that goes.
That's fine and dandy.. I've always volunteered in the past, I think it would actually help me to feel like I'm helping others...
problem is... volunteering doesn't pay shit....
so that wouldn't help me to contribute to the household (which is basically why I want to work)

Yes, but if volunteering yourself one or two hours a week even gets you out of the house, mixing with other people, having no stress from expectations or demands, and makes you a little happier at this point in your life, then you would actually be contributing to the house, because you are helping to fix yourself, which if you hadn't noticed already, your mood can make or break a house of people! Just some food for thought.

YA, you need to stop putting such high expectations upon yourself during this part of your life. You are trying to recover from something that has not only impacted your life and scared you, but has impacted every one around you, and will continue to impact yours, and your families life whilst you are in recovery. You can be in recovery for 2 - 3 years, or you can be in recovery your entire life. Which do you choose? I already know the answer, the first. It takes atleast a couple of years to fully recover from PTSD to a point where you can manage it, with only slight repercussions from the illness at spiratic periods. Obviously even when on the other side of PTSD, if you go and stress yourself or put yourself within high stress situations, then your PTSD will jump out at you again and bite you on the backside again, quite hard too. Hard enough where you might need a month or two to get yourself squared away again.

It is managable, but it is also ongoing. Instead of constantly thinking about each and EVERY aspect of your traumas, why not try and just focus on one! One step at a time, not ten... which means whilst your brain is running wild with ten different things, ie. your scars, your financial situation, your anger, your pain, etc etc, pick one and hit it hard, then the next one only when the first is atleast hit hard enough to not bother you for a while.

What is your biggest cause of grief? For example:

• Is it more important to manage your anger first, or your financial situation and the feelings associated with that?
• Is it more important to manage your anxiety first, or deal with your depression?
• You get the idea.

Isolating one thing has followon affects to other areas, ie. manage your anger and get that under control, suddenly your relationship become easier, because your no longer biting the heads of everyone around you for little to no reason. From this, you may then find you have less dreams and better sleep. From all this, you may then find it easier to work on what is making you anxious. What are your triggers, and what you do need to avoid for the sake of learning to deal with anxiety at low doses first, then how to lower anxiety when it does rise. See how recovery follows suite?

Note: Apart from yourself telling yourself that you don't contribute to your household, do you actually contribute in other ways, ie. cleaning, cooking, looking after things, doing some of the running around choirs, etc? These factors are just as important as financial contribution. They exist in both a social and legal matter, ie. divorce where one works and the other looks after children, the person who looks after the children is legally just as supportive of the household as the one who provides the money to it. Take one away, it all falls down. So are you really beating yourself up about something that is not as big as you may be making it? You will contribute again financially, I have no doubt, but you first need time to sort yourself out. Your actually very lucky, in that Piglet is doing the opposite, where she is forced to work and deal with what you are dealing with. Maybe something above has given you a little scope to not beat yourself up as much? You can see what happens from Piglet having to work and try and deal with initial PTSD... much much harder.

What I hoped to achieve from the above, is atleast throw some ideas at you that are more realistic, and not sceptacism or fictional that you have told yourself. Maybe none of the above apply... but only you know that YA.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Thank you for those links... I just get so overwhelmed... those are some good ideas as I hadn't realized there was freelancing available.

I try to contribute by cleaning, doing errands, etc.
Just can't feel good when I know other people are paying for everything I use/eat/need.
Its the high expectations I have of myself that don't allow me to rest and relaxe.

Oh I know I'm very lucky to be able to take time-off from a career right now.
It just feels like this time off is wasted with me feeling like shit.

Maybe with help I'll be able to address some of my bigger issues soon.

 

[livelysue]

Hi Young and Angry,

I understand your frustration. Sometimes just saying things rather than waiting for just the right words will work. It will help you to get everything out of you. I too sometimes want to think things through before I say them but then I analyze things to much and not always get out what I really want to say because I have analyzed things to death.

I sometimes speak without thinking too which is not always good. You really need to take it one day at a time. For me if I am tired or depressed my speech goes. I am a very intellectual person and this is a struggle for me. I am working on this and many other things currently.

I was so frustrated about things for so long that I made things worse. My frustration made my speech impediment worse. Trust me try talking to someone who is trying to say something to you but you cannot make out the words they are trying to say. When this happens to me I have to slow my brain down so I can function and talk to others. This is not that easy but I am getting there. I have not had an episode in a while.

I wish I could say to you that tomorrow you would be better but that unfortunately is not how this condition works. I am doing fine today but know that if something traumatic happens in my life I may end up 20 paces back again. I am learning to accept this which is not easy.

I know that I can heal emotionally but still there will be times where something will happen that will trigger everything again. I know now that I can cope with this where as a few years ago I would have fallen apart. An example happened this past week when a 9 year old was electricuted in my community. It brought back a lot of feelings for me as my son is also not with me. The child was a boy. I so feel for this family as I know the difficulties that lie ahead. I know all the stages this family will go through and I pray for them each day. This child was also my coworkers nephew which makes it hit home even more.

I am just taking it one day at a time and letting tomorrow handle tomorrow. Take care of yourself Young and Angry and remember it will get better in time thought right now it does not seem like it will.

 

[YoungAndAngry]

Sometimes just saying things rather than waiting for just the right words will work. It will help you to get everything out of you. I too sometimes want to think things through before I say them but then I analyze things to much and not always get out what I really want to say because I have analyzed things to death.

I can definatly relate... I think that's why it takes me so long to type out a reply sometimes... and often I cannot even find the right word to express the way I am feeling.

This is basically the reason that I kinda think I was avoiding this thread.
I'm scared to express the way I feel because I'm afraid of sounding like a lunitic.
As I sit here an analyze what I just wrote...
I realize how silly that sentence is... seeing as most people in this forum are going through similar feelings.

On the outside... I put on a smile for strangers (cashiers and doctors)...
inside... I just want to scream

I'm gonna end this post and start a new one...
try to see if I can reply to some of those statements Anthony wrote
:wall:

 

[piglet]

I have also had problems getting my words out. I chose to turn it into a joke with my students though - just testing to see how much they are listening! I always make a point of telling them to speak up if they don't understand. This starting comment is even more appropriate these days!!! Quite often, I resort to writing something on the board. I tell the students not to copy it down until I'm done editing! I can then read it to see if it makes sense. It's weird how many things I have changed in the way I teach since having problems with my memory and concentration. I think that my students are mostly benefitting from it, particulalry as I choose to laugh with them at my errors, rather than getting embarrassed or taking their laughs personally.

I am very lucky that I have a good relationship with my students. This has helped me greatly with my return to work. I still have the same, or even more motivation to teach, but I find it much more difficult to handle all the crap from the management. However, I already had a reputation for disregarding policies and procedures before my recent increase in ptsd difficulties, so I can't blame the ptsd entirely!

 

[anthony]

However, I already had a reputation for disregarding policies and procedures before my recent increase in ptsd difficulties, so I can't blame the ptsd entirely!

Now your talking Piglet. You do understand that not everything is PTSD related, and you MUST identify which is which, ie. yourself or PTSD! I like that admission Piglet... anymore? When people are often still in denial about many aspects of PTSD, this one is generally one of them, ie. everything is PTSD's fault, never their own! Self admission is good... now just keep going please. I know you'll feel much better the more you get out of you.

You should give yourself a pat on the back Piglet for admitting that. Its not what you admit, but that you admit something outright. Admission is a good sign your on the way out of denial.

 

[piglet]

The difficult thing is, when I have to make decisions, I'm not always sure if it's me or the ptsd talking. A lot of the time I take the cautious route and stay quiet instead of speaking up. That's not necessarily a good thing, as it lets people get their own way far too often, and I end up wondering if I should have said something after all.
:dontknow: