Younger Me & Abandonment

LeiaFlower

Confident
After talking with a fellow member I’ve been trying to be more compassionate to younger me, and she opened up to me. She said “I feel sad again, about my friend not being home in the morning. (she just got in a relationship this past year and when she moved in with us over time she started staying over his house) I think I’m so use to the routine of waking up or coming home, and her being here. So when the routine was broken it made me feel replaced again and alone.” I at first tried to get younger me to understand that people grow up and move away, that their lives change and so does relationships. It sucks but it’s just how it is. “It just feels like everyone is leaving me again that I’m too immature to understand and I’ll only burden them if I tag alone. But it’ll be okay. One day I’ll find someone who won’t leave. Or maybe I’m being childish and it’s my attachment disorder for that makes me want them to stay.” I don’t really know much about shooting her, nor if isolating myself is the right move. I’m new to this. But I’m currently sitting in our favorite slippers and holding tightly to our stuffed animal so we can cry. Adult me wanted to read the attachment style book but I think it’s best to just let the feelings exist? I don’t know. I’m trying to make sure she feels safe and heard. She deserves to have someone care.
 

prynne

MyPTSD Pro
I think it’s best to just let the feelings exist? I don’t know. I’m trying to make sure she feels safe and heard. She deserves to have someone care.
I think this is a good move. You're right that she deserves to have someone that cares and I'm glad that you're helping her. I used to try to read self-help type things to try to "fix" my problems, but really it was just me trying to make the feelings go away without actually feeling them. In my recent experience, actually sitting with my emotions and trying to soothe myself works way better than accumulating more knowledge that I wasn't actually ready to do anything with. Not saying reading the attachment book is a bad move. I think it definitely may be helpful, but the emotions need to be acknowledged and felt first.
I don’t really know much about shooting her
I'm assuming you meant soothing😳😆 I think you're doing a great job of soothing her by trying to compassionately explain things to her, wearing your fav slippers, holding your stuffed animal, and reaching out to other people for help.

You're doing great. You're doing the right things. You'll make it through this, even though it sucks right now. Have you considered spending more time with other friends or meeting some new people? I know, easier said than done.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
I think this is a good move. You're right that she deserves to have someone that cares and I'm glad that you're helping her. I used to try to read self-help type things to try to "fix" my problems, but really it was just me trying to make the feelings go away without actually feeling them. In my recent experience, actually sitting with my emotions and trying to soothe myself works way better than accumulating more knowledge that I wasn't actually ready to do anything with. Not saying reading the attachment book is a bad move. I think it definitely may be helpful, but the emotions need to be acknowledged and felt first.

I'm assuming you meant soothing😳😆 I think you're doing a great job of soothing her by trying to compassionately explain things to her, wearing your fav slippers, holding your stuffed animal, and reaching out to other people for help.

You're doing great. You're doing the right things. You'll make it through this, even though it sucks right now. Have you considered spending more time with other friends or meeting some new people? I know, easier said than done.
😂 yeah I meant soothing not shooting my younger self. Do recommend anything else to reparent myself and to help with younger parts that feel unheard and misunderstood? I know I still want to work on this with my therapist. I would seeing if there’s anything I can work on at home while I wait for my appointment with her.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
Younger me came out again. My friend was arguing with her boyfriend. At first it was just annoying but then I started feel uncomfortable. He said her emotions were dramatic and she was acting stupid. It reminded me of my parents and how small I felt with them. I had to get out the car to get away. I though when she did too that it was finally over. But they continued to argue loudly over the phone. Then a small voice said “Can you stay back there please” I kept my distance from her until the argument was over. Then she found me. I was quiet the rest of the shopping trip. Once we got in the car I told her I felt small but when she said why her tone was still off as if she was mad. So stayed quiet. But I knew the best way to soothe younger me was to speak up about her feelings so I held a cold drink and I said her arguing was triggering. Even though she said it was a debate I explained why it reminded me of fighting my parents did. And why I felt so small with the words they both used I feel a little bigger after speaking up but I still feel like she’s mad at me for speaking about my emotions.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
Adult me wanted to read the attachment style book but I think it’s best to just let the feelings exist? I don’t know. I’m trying to make sure she feels safe and heard. She deserves to have someone care.

my eldest foster daughter (currently 6) suffered severe and sudden onset of attachment disorder with the domestic blowout which landed her and her 2 siblings in protective custody. that was nearly 4 years ago. she is coming up on her 3rd anniversary with us and has come a long old way in healing that attachment disorder, but it still resurfaces on occasion, mostly in the form of shadowing where she follows me everywhere, as closely as possible. i don't even get to take a leak without her bearing witness through those deep brown, sad and timid eyes. a request for privacy is enough to send her huddling in a corner, too scared to cry.

Adult me wanted to read the attachment style book but I think it’s best to just let the feelings exist? I don’t know. I’m trying to make sure she feels safe and heard. She deserves to have someone care enough to be a witness in the silences when words are not enough.

insert beatles tune here. let it be.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Not sure if it will be helpful at all, but I used to drive around in the car with my 1 year old self picture by the stick shift. It helped me a ton in learning how to integrate the two. My car is my adult power place. So, I would 'show her' what it was like to be an adult. One that had choices. I'd get kid things for her - just randomly go into a store and grab something, look at the picture and say - hey, I'm not so old as to not enjoy this. Encouragement. Inclusion. Connection. Empowerment.

Just like if she was my own real life child.
 

prynne

MyPTSD Pro
Do recommend anything else to reparent myself and to help with younger parts that feel unheard and misunderstood?
I'm not the best at this yet, but I have found a few things that help. Just being willing to listen to my younger parts without shaming them or wanting them to go away. Doing some of the things that they want to do (one of my young parts will always request that we watch a specific youtube video to go to sleep, like a bedtime story). Recognizing when they're upset and doing my best to comfort them and explain what's going on.

At the recommendation of my therapist, I "built" an imaginary house in my mind where all of the parts live. It's a safe and fun place to be. They all have their own private rooms that they can decorate however they want and shared spaces where they can interact. No one is allowed to hurt themselves or others and I gave them all magical powers to protect themselves in case someone tries to hurt them (I don't know how else to phrase it. They can change themselves and change the landscape to defend themselves, like they can go invisible or become untouchable and everything goes through them). Any time I have a flashback or one of my parts is in distress I reach out to them and try to convince them to come to the house with me so they'll be safe. So far they've always said yes after some convincing.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
I'm not the best at this yet, but I have found a few things that help. Just being willing to listen to my younger parts without shaming them or wanting them to go away. Doing some of the things that they want to do (one of my young parts will always request that we watch a specific youtube video to go to sleep, like a bedtime story). Recognizing when they're upset and doing my best to comfort them and explain what's going on.

At the recommendation of my therapist, I "built" an imaginary house in my mind where all of the parts live. It's a safe and fun place to be. They all have their own private rooms that they can decorate however they want and shared spaces where they can interact. No one is allowed to hurt themselves or others and I gave them all magical powers to protect themselves in case someone tries to hurt them (I don't know how else to phrase it. They can change themselves and change the landscape to defend themselves, like they can go invisible or become untouchable and everything goes through them). Any time I have a flashback or one of my parts is in distress I reach out to them and try to convince them to come to the house with me so they'll be safe. So far they've always said yes after some convincing.
This sounds nice, did your therapist help with your build this world?
 

prynne

MyPTSD Pro
This sounds nice, did your therapist help with your build this world?
Yes, a lot of the things that are in it were her suggestion and it was her idea that I do it in the first place. But I had to visualize adding every detail to the world to make it "real". It was only an idea before that. But now it seems like the others in my head actually spend time there instead of living in the darkness or in the memory that made them. They seem a lot less upset now that they have a decent place to live. Feeling like a crazy person typing this all out but I'm trying to reassure myself that other people have similar experiences lol
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
Yes, a lot of the things that are in it were her suggestion and it was her idea that I do it in the first place. But I had to visualize adding every detail to the world to make it "real". It was only an idea before that. But now it seems like the others in my head actually spend time there instead of living in the darkness or in the memory that made them. They seem a lot less upset now that they have a decent place to live. Feeling like a crazy person typing this all out but I'm trying to reassure myself that other people have similar experiences lol
😂 not crazy it’s really cool. I have a lot to work on with my therapist this upcoming session
 
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