bea12

Iinside me.The only thing my parents did was to stop picking him up. What makes me so angry is because it happened over and over and I can't believe no one noticed it. My mother was in the front seat and sat catty cornered to me and that boy. Guess I am more angry at her for not even protecting me and not noticing. I just recently started having flashbacks because of some meds I am taking that caused me to be aroused and my mind just went back there. Because the feelings were intense even when I was 5 and the feelings are similar. I am ashamed because I have fantasized about being molested by him. I feel like a low down person for thinking about what happed to me during sexual relations. I will be going to group therapy soon for help and I see a doctor for depression and anxiety. Later on, when I was 10 years old I was taking a nop with my Dad and he touched me where he shouldn't have. When he went to sleep, I got up and left and never napped with him agian and distanced myself from him. Other things wee going on which I didn't realize before that. He always wanted me to take off most of my clothes and he would hold me up again was molested by an older boy when I was three years old. I remeber it vividly. I always wondered if what he did means I was molested. I was on a sesaw with my sister and she was bigger than me so this boy asked if he could sit behind me to help me because my sister was just holding me up in the air. We let him sit behind me. He asked me something, but I didn't understand or know what he was talking about. The next thing I knew he had put his hand in my shorts and under my panties. He started touching my private parts. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't understand what happened. The next time I was molested was also by an older boy when I was 5 years old. My father gave him a ride to church and the car was crowded with my parents and siblings so I was supposed to sit in the boys lap. I am 60 years old and back then girls were always supposed to wear a dress or a skirt and blouse. Well, he got under my skirt and into my panties soon after I sat in his lap and we were off to church. After that it happened over and over. Little kids do have sexual feelings in their private parts. I remeber that. I told my mother after he started to hurt me with his finger and trying to push it up st him. I also blame my mother for allowing me from being with him at a nap time because of my age and because she knew he was getting me to take off most of my clothes. I am angry with both of them. My father passed away about 10 years ago and I had a feeling of relief. It's because when we all got together he would try to hug me up close and I didn't ever want to. I always denied to myself that any of these molestations bothered me but they do and have affected me most of my adult life. Questions I have are:1.Did my father really molest me because he barely touched my privates and that was the only incident. But I know it did impact me. The next question is: is it horrible that I fantisized about the molestation by the older boy?